The More Options You Have, the Better Your Choices
Dealing with things that are yet to come can be a scary job since considering all the variables can lead to doubt and confusion. Through their <Millennial Lifestyle> project, married couple Haemin Lee and Hyunwoo Jung are gathering the stories of young married couples living life on their own terms. The myriad of questions related to marriage branch out to form even more questions. But one thing is for certain; questions lead to options which help us to choose our own path. Haemin Lee and Hyunwoo Jung are developing their own perspectives about marriage through this cumbersome process.
Haemin Lee / Contents Director for 900KM Publishing House, Editor/ 33yrs
Hyunwoo Jung / Designer at Game Company, Art Director at 900KM Publishing House / 34yrs
You held your own version of a wedding during your 42 day pilgrimage of the Camino de Santiago. You also wrote the book <The Longest Wedding March in the World>. What was your life like at the time you made these decisions?
(Haemin) We dated for 6 years and decided to get married because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but planning a wedding was much harder than we thought. We found that we had to pay more attention to secondary things such as the photos, makeup, and the dress rather than our values. We also didn’t appreciate how a wedding seemed more like a banquet for our parents and their relatives rather than a celebration of the bride and groom. We thought about breaking the mold by having a small wedding at a café or gallery, but that didn’t really sit well either. It somehow felt like we were giving in. We were pondering about how we could have a wedding that was true to who we were when my husband suddenly suggested having a wedding while hiking the Camino de Santiago. At first I thought he was crazy but as I imagined the two of us walking through the sprawling open fields, it just felt right. It kind of reminded me of a wedding march too.
Reality is, a wedding isn’t just about the two people that are getting married.
(Hyunwoo) You’re right. I’m the firstborn son in my family and so is my father, so my wedding was a big deal to everyone in my extended family (laughs). But I made sure to slowly brainwash my parents beforehand. I’d send them links to videos of Wonbin and Nayoung Lee’s wedding and Hyori Lee and Sangsoon Lee’s wedding and say things like “This is the kind of wedding everyone’s having nowadays!” So when I told them that I wanted to hike the Camino de Santiago instead of having a wedding, they just chalked it up to me being me. They had already sensed that I would want to do things my way, even when it came to my wedding.
(Haemin) My father is on the conservative side so I made sure to give him as detailed a plan as I could. In an effort to win them over, I submitted a proposal to my parents with details such as why I didn’t want to have a traditional wedding and how we were going to travel and how much it was going to cost. I poured over it day and night trying to figure out how I could persuade them in one go, but my dad carefully read over it and said “This proposal is very you.” Nothing he had said had ever made me as happy as I was in that moment.
You hiked the Camino de Santiago as a kind of declaration to live life on your own terms. What made you start <Millennial Lifestyle>?
(Haemin) It rained and snowed heavily when we were on the Camino de Santiago. As we fought our way through all sorts of problems and difficulties, we had several fights here and there, but they only served to strengthen our relationship. But once we returned, we realized that a wedding and married life were two completely different things. People started to interfere more in our lives rather than treating as separate entities. People would constantly say and ask things like “Now that you’re married, you need to stop travelling and focus on saving”, and “When are you going to have kids?” We went to my in-laws one day and they asked my husband about his life and what he was eating nowadays, but they weren’t interested at all in how I was doing. It felt like they considered me as just someone who supports their son. Even my own mother says things like “You should make sure to take good care of your husband since you work from home” and this kind of older generation talk makes me extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to create a tiny crack in that solid wall. Since my husband is a designer and I’m an editor, we thought it would be a good idea to turn my frustration into a project which led to the creation of <Millennial Lifestyle>.
(Hyunwoo) We were basically throwing out the question of whether it was possible to dream of a different life after marriage. We actually have more dreams now that we’re married but it felt like everyone around us treated us like we needed to grow up. I thought we’d be able to find courage and comfort in the stories of those who have gone before us and lived life the way they see fit.
Your interviewees are couples, not individuals. You’ve probably met all sorts of couples who were similar, different, or both. Are there any distinguishing qualities to couple interviews?
(Hyunwoo) They’re both heading in the same direction, but there is a difference in perspective. It’s only natural they would interpret situations differently since they are of opposite genders. The reason we wanted to interview couples was to find other couples like us who would bump heads, but we found there were couples that were worse than us. We were able to find little hints that we could apply to our own lives after listening to the stories of various couples.
(Haemin) In the case of Eunji Park and Jaeryoung Lim, aka the daughter in law that speaks her mind, the husband, Jaeryoung, didn’t really have much to say about the conflict between his wife and his mother. But it was only after I probed him about it that he confessed that he felt uncomfortable being in the middle and felt like he was getting caught in the crossfire. Eunji then seemed surprised and asked “Really? But you’ve never said anything”. You see a lot of this ping ponging when you conduct couple interviews.
Which interviews left the biggest impression on each of you?
(Hyunwoo) For me, it was the homeless couple that travelled all over the world. And they’re still travelling. Working and travelling without being tied down is pretty much my dream life. The husband takes photographs and the wife writes. They aren’t professionally trained, but after some time they managed to come up with their own content which generates enough income to sustain them. Listening to their story gave me the affirmation that my dream life wasn’t something that was unattainable or reserved for special people. So somewhere down the line, we’re going to establish <The Travelling Publishing House> and give it a go. I think it might just work!
(Haemin) On the other hand, it was the realistic stories that impacted me the most. There was a couple that talked about how they rented out a club for the reception and they really made you think about weddings in general. We chose to go another route because we disliked traditional wedding culture, but this couple pointed out exactly what was wrong with it and what needed to be changed. They helped to broaden my perspective. The interview that enlightened me as to why couples in today’s world need to study feminism also left an impression. They claimed that a basic understanding of feminism was essential for two people of the opposite gender coming together for life. They even recommended the book <Feminism is for Everybody>. The couple that had decided not to have children gave me a chance to think deeply about my personal stance on childbirth.
Were there any interviews that were slightly shocking or unexpected?
(Haemin) There was a couple who fixed up a shack that was over 100 years old in Jeju. They installed the heating system by watching Youtube videos and built their first house together with their own hands without any hired help. The first thing you think of when you hear the words first home is a medium sized apartment. But this couple went further than defying the norm. They broke the mold completely.
(Hyunwoo) I used to want to move to a new apartment or a stable living environment before I met this couple. But now I’m considering fixer uppers. I now have more options. My definition of a home has changed too. It’s easy to get discouraged when you think of a house as an asset because your standards become too high. The thought of everyone paying off a debt for the rest of their lives to live in identical square spaces also leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. But approaching a home as somewhere that houses my affection and taste eased my mind a little. Of course, it would be great if you could have both (laughs).
What are some similarities between the couples you’ve had on your show?
(Haemin) We started off by looking for couples in the same age group as us. We thought that people in their mid 20s to mid 30s would share the same concerns that we have. But age wasn’t the most important factor. The most important characteristic for living a Millennial Lifestyle is to plan and strive to live life in your own unique way without being tied down by convention.
(Hyunwoo) Most of the couples on <Millennial Lifestyle> are critical of traditional marriage culture, and they try to improve it in their own way. But even these people get puzzled when they’re faced with situations that challenge their norm. Our parents’ generation are accustomed to patriarchal culture but they didn’t raise their children that way. They respected our individuality regardless of our gender, so it’s bewildering when they expect us to go back to traditional roles after we get married.
I’d like to know more about the conflict and difficulties that married millennials go through.
(Haemin) It’s probably more confusing because the person you feel uncomfortable with is actually someone you love. Of course, you could choose to just cut ties with the person but I don’t think any of our interviewees wanted to go to that extreme. They continuously try to find a middle ground that works for both parties. Making someone uncomfortable could be a form of expressing affection to your family members. For example, if a daughter in law says “I’m sorry but I’m not a maid” to a father in law that is too comfortable ordering her around, it isn’t because she doesn’t like him. It takes courage to speak up. Keeping everything inside will push you apart which can eventually lead to resentment. It makes you think twice before opening your mouth and reminds you to be kinder with your words.
Why is it that the couples on your show seem like best friends or soulmates?
(Hyunwoo) The father is in first command followed by the mother and the children in a traditional patriarchal system. In other words, you’re a family, but there are definite ranks. But over the course of time, this hierarchy has crumbled and everyone has become equal. This has made it possible for couples to talk about things they couldn’t before, which has naturally led them to becomes friends.
(Haemin) The notion that the father was the head of the house was predominant in the past. But we no longer consider the husband as someone who provides for the family and the wife as someone who takes care of the house. The responsibilities of a household are now divided between the husband and wife regardless of gender. This blurring of roles has enabled couples to have frank conversations about in-law relations, childrearing, and expenses. I think this has helped to bring couples closer.
Do you think these interviews have helped to answer some of your questions?
(Hyunwoo) No. I think we have more now (laughs). We have more decisions to make. We now have a better idea of the things that we vaguely thought about before we started the project and we’ve realized that we have a lot more options than we originally thought. I guess it’s just a matter of us following the path that best suits us.
What were some of the big and small changes that you experienced after starting your project?
(Hyunwoo) We ourselves have changed, but I see a bigger change in the older people around us. We didn’t know but the older people in our lives have seen our show and read our book. They have all the right in the world to be disgruntled since we talk about them a lot, but I can see that they’re choosing their words more carefully when they talk to us now.
(Haemin) My side of the family tends to be a little more patriarchal and conservative, especially my father. He wanted the two of us to accompany him to to his family gatherings when we first got married. We used to try and get out of it by saying we had other obligations, but we didn’t feel good about it so we told him point blank why we didn’t want to participate in these gatherings. He has never asked us to come since.
I want to cautiously bring up the subject of childbirth. I don’t know if you’re planning on having any, but what would be your biggest consideration if you were to have children?
(Haemin) I want to have kids when we both have time to take care of them. I think this is really important. Spending 40 days together on the Camino de Santiago taught me this, and we wouldn’t have been able to write the book otherwise. The more time you spend with someone, the more you learn to understand them. The reason couples encounter conflict after having a child is because one of them is out making money while the other is stuck at home looking after the baby by themselves. They spend less and less time communicating and fail to live up to each other’s expectations which leads to disappointment. But it takes more than everyone just fulfilling their own roles for a family to function well. Couples need to care for each other and cater to each other’s emotions to maintain a healthy family.
(Hyunwoo) I think childbirth needs to be discussed in the context of social structure rather than the individual. I have a problem with a social structure that forces parents to live with the guilt of asking the grandparents to look after their children because of the lack of childcare services. I believe that conflict stemming from having children would greatly decreased if we were able to create a society where all parents can afford to look after their own children; for example, a culture that guarantees parental leave until the child is old enough to go to kindergarten or mandatory institution of workplace childcare so women can work without worrying about their working hours. But I’m not just going to sit and wait around for society to change. I’m looking for ways we can make a dent in this situation. For instance, I need to make sure 900KM goes big if I want to quit my job and look after my kids (laughs)! I want to be more financially stable before I think about having kids.
I feel like there is a need to talk about uncomfortable issues and things that are yet to come in advance.
(Hyunwoo) I think that just talking about a variety of subjects can help bring a couple closer. It’s likely that you’ll get confused and not know what to do when something happens if you don’t have preventative measures and a response manual in place beforehand. Your relationship could fizzle out or even take a turn for the worse. Taking the time to think about each other’s point of view will help you gain a comprehensive understanding of the situation.
(Haemin) Most people think about what kind of wedding they’ll have, what kind of house they want to live in, and what kind of furniture they should get when they decide to get married. But like I mentioned before, marriage isn’t just about what the two of you want. There will always be external factors that complicate your relationship. The only way you’ll be able to live life the way you want to without being swayed by other people is to constantly think about what kind of choices you want to make before you get married.
What is your idea of a perfect couple?
(Hyunwoo) A couple that is considerate to each other without demanding sacrifice. It’s a fine line between sacrifice and consideration and it’s only when there is a strong connection between a couple that consideration becomes the natural response. You voluntarily begin to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. But if your actions spur from peer or societal pressure, it will become a sacrifice. And that is what causes conflict. That’s why I believe that consideration is only possible when you are able to spend plenty of time with your spouse. It takes more than just willpower.
I heard you’re planning another project.
(Haemin) The theme is LiveAndEatism and we want to tell the stories of the way millennials eat and live. Each generation has a shift in mindset and perspective as they go through the different phases of life and we wanted to see how viewpoints on work were changing. In our case, my husband has a stable job while I’m incubating our dreams by running 900KM. Most people view my husband’s job as the main source of income and mine as supplementary, but we don’t see it that way. We’re merely adopting a dual track strategy similar to how a company generates steady revenue and invests it future endeavors (laughs). I think that something that isn’t generating any income just yet can still be your dream and the main thing in your life. We want to hear the stories of other couples that have a different view regarding work like we do. We’d also like to find some answers that we can apply to our own lives.
And finally, what do you hope people take away from your project?
(Hyunwoo) I hope they realize that they have so many more options and destinations than they previously thought. I hope they see that they don’t have to blindly follow convention when it comes to their wedding, childbirth, childrearing, or even housing and that they live life the way they see fit.
(Haemin) Living life on your own terms isn’t something that’s reserved for just famous and influential people. Being able to make a drastic choice when confronted with situations that everyone has to face takes courage, and the more stories around you that help you make those kinds of decisions, the more courage you’ll have. The people we’ve interviewed so far all had a strong rebellious streak. That is the only way you can open people’s eyes to all the different options they actually have. I hope our project becomes a useful reference that shows people about the different ways people choose to live their lives.
* Search for <yozmsa> on Youtube to find out more.
