The Sense of an Ending
… looking back just a tiny bit
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You know, we all have limited time in our hands. It always seems less. Sometimes we postpone saying things that we should talk about at the very start — about things that hurt or the things that’ll make us standstill for a moment and look back. Why is that? Why do we wait for the last moment to say the most important things?
As another year in time drives by, I am stuck with all the commotion in my head about things that happened and things that coming. A strong sense of an ending is making me sit back, ponder and feel happy to be sad.
Little bits of 2016:
Getting back on my knees
I dislocated my right knee late 2015. It threw me off my life game and I saw myself hitting the rock bottom. With no job and now medical insurance debt, everything became a desperate move. I thought about quitting and going back to my parents but I’m glad that didn’t happen.
After millions of pain killers, joint strengthening medication and reframing my digital presence, I got myself a full-time job and a new set of wheels this year.
Hell, her roar gratifies me every god-damn time. I’m still recovering but I’m glad all this happened. Happy roars!
Customizing life, doing what I like
With a job, comes a new set of responsibilities. And a little green something. I tried to pick up (basically try and experience) a couple of side activities as well:
Doing these opened me up from my routine and that is a good thing because routine makes you form a shell around you. And shells are hard to break. It feels great to physically hold these resulting memories!
“Orphic”
After months of covert research and thinking, I found out the tattoo that rhymed with me. On my 25th birthday, I got it done. So much nervous excitement!
It is a cipher code that translates into the word “Orphic” which means mysterious, dark and entrancing. The pain felt amazing. #25.
Off to my roots and back here
I flew back to Delhi earlier this month to see my family. It was very different from the last time in the sense that I was looking everything from a different perspective. From an eye of someone who is now capable of talking responsibilities and standing up for himself.
Apart from feeling different, I heard more stories than I had to share. I also met a few really interesting girls. Somewhere within I felt the connection and then a weird fear (yeah, that’s fucked up). If you guys are reading this, thank you for sharing and listening. I hope our paths cross again. :-)
Punjabi aur Hindi gaane, desi girls, deep conversations, maa ke haath ka khaana, white butter, geyser on karna, ghar ke paas waala mall kabhi nahi bhoolunga, jab tak hai jaan!
Am I there yet?
I feel sad because I still find myself falling in a deep abyss of nothingness. As if I’m looking for something to pull me up and rescue me. I still feel like running away and unsatisfied. I don’t understand what this is.
Perhaps it is a mysterious point at the top of life’s bell curve or perhaps it is just another hope shit everybody keeps talking about.
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. — The Shawshank Redemption
I don’t know how to answer questions related to how am I doing or have I settled in or about my plans. I just know that I gotta drink black coffee (without sugar) every morning and wait for my next whim.
Welcome 2017!
This is the first post for Bona Fide Whispers. A place which shares my thoughts and experiences candidly. No bullshit.
