Last night I cried myself to sleep
Thursday night I laid in my bed and things felt heavy, very heavy. Honestly things have been feeling heavy a lot lately for me. Anger, hopelessness, fear, shock and sadness are some of the feelings I am often left with. Because being Black in America comes with so much trauma. I remember I was living in New York with my family and 10 days away from turning 17 when Amadou Diallo was murdered by police in New York. I remember knowing this was a big thing and it was horrible but I really didn’t fully understand it. The next police shooting of a black man that I remember vividly was that of Sean Bell in 2006. I remember thinking how sad this was. He was out celebrating his bachelor party when he was murdered by police. But still I didn’t understand this hate that is targeted towards Black people. I didn’t even know that racism was really still a thing at those points in my life. I grew up with friends of every race and nationality and was never treated differently because of the color of my skin. And while I’m happy that was my reality that isn’t the reality of a lot of Black men and women. 22 years later since my first memory of a Black man being killed by the police and the narrative hasn’t changed, it’s gotten worse. The killing of Black men and women at this hands of the police is triggering AF. It leaves you feeling confused, outraged, scared, sad, angry, and mad. There has been too much of “he looks suspicious” and “I thought he had a gun”. I am tired of that narrative and hearing people that aren’t affected by this say “he should have just complied”. I’m left with so many feelings, so many emotions and thoughts that are so hard to get out. What can I do to help? How many more hash-tagged names will there have to be before there is change? I’m scared out of my mind for myself, my family and friends. Scared for anyone to get stopped by the police. And mostly I’m left feeling sad for all of those families that have been affected by racism, and police brutality. I find myself randomly feeling sad or crying and this is exactly what happened as I was laying in my bed Thursday night. I was up thinking about the George Floyd trial and the fact that is also triggering plus thinking about the recent killing of Daunte Wright. I read a quote recently that resonated with me “ I am grieving more than the loss of #GeorgeFloyd, #DaunteWright, and #AlexToledo. I’m also grieving the loss of my faith that things in this country will ever change”- Angel Jones. If you are still reading at this point maybe some of this resonates with you. I wrote a short piece below because I needed an outlet. I’ve been silent for too long while trying to find my words.
Last night I cried myself to sleep
As I felt hopeless, lost and afraid.
I was thinking about Duante Wright and his 2 year old son that wont have vivid memories of him.
I thought about Breonna Taylor and all that was taken from her when she was killed at just 26 years old.
I cried for George Floyd, thinking about how it must have felt to be helpless, on the ground, crying for his mother with a knee on his neck for nine minutes and twenty-nine seconds.
I thought about all the missing memories that was stolen from Tamir Rice’s family. Things like, no graduations, no idea what career he would have had, who he would have married and grandkids they’d never get to meet.
I cried for Rayshard Brooks because many of us have been intoxicated in our twenties, just trying to get home and never imagined his fate would be ours.
I mourned for Eric Gardner and his six children that no longer have their father around to give advice, offer hugs, walk them down the aisle or just hear that “I love you” reminder from him on tough days.
I cried for Sandra Bland as I imagined how her 4 sisters must feel, as I have sisters myself.
I thought about Oscar Grant, twenty-two years old when he was murdered and I prayed for his baby girl living in this world without him.
I cried for every Black man and woman with mental health issues, hoping and praying their lives wont end like Elijah McClain’s.
I cried for the 4 year old little girl in the back seat that had to watch as Philandro Castile was killed in front of her and her mother left to deal with that trauma.
I cried and prayed hard for the mother of Alex Toledo, just 13 years old. Wow, and honestly I’m left with no words.
Last night I cried myself to sleep
As I felt hopeless, lost and afraid.
I thought about all the lives that were murdered at the hands of the police unjustly and never caught on camera or made it to the news.
I prayed for all mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, friends and family that lost their loves one that way.
I cried for all people of color that are now afraid of the police, and no longer feel they “protect and serve”.
I thought about all the hash tagged names that are still yet to come.
I cried for all of us that are far removed but close enough to be traumatized by these current events.
I prayed for all my family and friends, especially my nephews, uncles, male cousins and my black boyfriend.
I cried for myself. Because let’s be real, I’m black and in reality this could be my fate.
Last night I cried myself to sleep
As I felt hopeless, lost and afraid.
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I read this to my cousin a few days ago and she asked me “what do you want this to do? like what is your purpose of this writing and sharing it? And I appreciate her asking and making me think about that. My hope is that maybe my words are understood. Maybe someone that is struggling to find there words will use my words to express how they are feeling. I hope that my words help you to find your words. I hope that you feel that this is a safe space where you can share your feelings towards topic and any other tough subjects. I hope that you know you aren’t alone in your feelings. And lastly I hope that maybe this reaches or touches someone who has had the privilege to ignore what’s been happening and maybe realize how real this is and how affected we are as black people. And Maybe they will extend some empathy, grace, solidarity and understanding to their black friends. But more importantly help their non-black family and friends understand how they are needed for there to be a change.
