9 Ways to Reduce Tension in Tough Conversations

The following is adapted from Get it by AmyK Hutchens.

Some of the tensest conversations start with the smallest incidents. Maybe they start with the dishwasher or, more specifically, the incorrect loading of it. It could conceivably be the high electric bill and all the lights you turn off every frickin’ night before bed.

Somewhere along the way, these seemingly harmless, unresolved disagreements lead to bigger, more consequential disagreements. These bigger conflicts, left unattended, cultivate into raw open wounds, passive-aggressive behaviors, or full-on battles.

Tense conversations are a part of life, but they don’t have to turn your relationships sour. When tough conversations arise, use these nine techniques to reduce the tension and come to a healthier, happier resolution.

1. Seek Connection, Not Power

In tough conversations, it’s common for people to want to “win” the conversation. In a power struggle, someone has to be “right.” According to this mindset, the wants and desires of the other person take a back seat because yours matter more.

When you seek connection, you must acknowledge that there is a separate sentient human being sitting across from you with his or her own wants and desires. The goal is to help the other person feel understood, accepted, and validated.

The best way to ease tension in a conversation is to change your goal. Seek connection, not power.

2. Recognize Why You’re Experiencing Disconnection

In many cases, conversations are difficult because we feel disconnected from the other person. It’s important to understand that that’s what’s going on, and then, to identify why you’re feeling that way. Do you feel unloved, left out, unsafe, disrespected, unheard, ignored, misunderstood, underutilized, or like your needs aren’t being met?

Once you’ve identified a specific disconnection (or several), ask yourself, “What do I want or need right now to feel restored? What actions do I need to take to get what I want?” Reconnection happens when we get clarity around what we want and take action to manifest it.

3. Switch the Focus to a Shared Commitment

Sometimes the people who love you don’t want you to get what you want because it conflicts with what they want. For example, your brother may not be 100% supportive of your desire to move because he still wants you as a built-in babysitter.

Switching the focus of a conversation away from competing commitments and focusing on a commitment you share is the fastest way to create a connection and move toward getting what you want. If you start with what you both value and where your values align, it makes it less painful to compromise.

4. Return to It Later

Sometimes you’re so shocked by someone’s words or actions that your own voice is momentarily silenced. Please give yourself grace. It’s so easy to have 20/20 hindsight.

Why didn’t I say this? Why didn’t I do that? What was I thinking? Beating yourself up makes you an innocent target…a second time. Once was enough.

What you may find more supportive and constructive is to remind yourself that you can choose to still address the issue once you’ve gathered your wits about you and regained your composure.

5. Ask for Help

When someone uses a deplorable power play against you, you may struggle to assert yourself. If speaking directly with the offender is too unsettling for you, ask for help. If you’re feeling uncertain about your own ability to respond, call for backup.

Ask for help from someone who can assist you in preparing for a conversation where you address the offender, or ask for help from someone who can get you the appropriate support you need. Asking for help is not weak; it shows that you know your own self-worth.

6. Get Clear on How You Want to Present Yourself

The emotions and energy you choose to display will affect your interactions. You will either feel heard, understood, and accepted or you won’t. They will either feel heard, understood, and accepted or they won’t.

Another person’s response is not completely within your control, but it is within your sphere of influence. Get clear on how you wish to present yourself and the emotions and energy you wish to display. Prepare for difficult conversations beforehand and decide which emotions are the most important. This prevents you from serving up an emotional tsunami during the conversation.

7. Show Up with Optimism and Willingness

When you’re close to someone, you might be tempted to jump into the conversation with your unmet wants. “I’m so upset. We never go out anymore. We never make love.” There indeed might be some truth to what you’re sharing, but how you share your truth is critical for establishing empathy and connection.

While it may be appealing to start with everything that’s broken and not working, or that you find offensive about the other party, showing up with an optimistic attitude and a willingness to own your piece will move you toward a heartfelt resolution more quickly.

8. Use “A Part of Me…”

One of my most favorite one-liners to reduce tension in a tough conversation and lower the other person’s defenses is: “A part of me…” This phrase is a brilliant way to express a negative emotion you are feeling while simultaneously creating space for other emotions and possible solutions.

In tough conversations, it’s important to not speak in absolutes. When you use the phrase, “A part of me…,” tension de-escalates because you’ve opened the door for other, more positive feelings, and you’ve created space for dialogue instead of defensiveness.

9. Be Direct and Clear With Your Asks

Hoping that your partner will miraculously intuit what you’re thinking and feeling is not going to get you what you want. Over the years, I’ve heard grown people utter ridiculously un-grownup phrases, such as “We’ve been together for twenty years. She should know what I need.” “If he really knew me, he’d know what to do.”

Asking for what you need is your responsibility, which means you need to verbalize it clearly: “I’m asking for… ,” “I need…,” “I really want…” Seeking connection also includes directly asking about their needs.

For more tips on how to reduce tension in tough conversations, you can find Get it on Amazon.

AmyK Hutchens is an international award-winning speaker, Amazon bestselling author, and has over nineteen years of experience in training and consulting with clients such as The Home Depot, Starbucks Canada, Comerica Bank, Expedia, Lockheed Martin, Securian Financial, Walmart, John Paul Mitchell Systems, and hundreds more. AmyK travels the globe sharing with executives, influencers, and go-getters how to navigate their toughest conversations. AmyK received her MS from Johns Hopkins University and has been a featured guest on numerous TV and radio networks including Bloomberg, NBC, Fox, and ABC. She resides in San Diego, California.