Close a Window; Open a Door

The following is adapted from the book Becoming Unshakeable by Patti Montella.

***

James lay in the hospital bed, his eyes staring into some void. He could no longer see me or his other friends and family in the room. Moments later, for the first time, I witnessed the transformation of someone moving from this space to that space. Suddenly, my consciousness was lifted up to another dimension, which is now so obvious to me and so much a part of my daily reality, yet my eyes had been shut to it up until that point. The experience of James’s death changed everything I thought I knew about life. Unanswered questions raced through my mind. I wondered why I’d never thought about them before.

The staff, who had been so cruel when we had first checked James in as the hospital’s first AIDS patient, were crying uncontrollably, as was his father, who after years of estrangement had come to be by James’s side. With one final breath, his only son — so full of unconditional love and who had just turned twenty-four years old — was gone. Standing against the cold gray hospital wall as though it could somehow hold me up, I watched his lifeless body being wheeled away. In that moment, I realized how easily I’d taken life for granted.

Just a few months earlier, I was the one who had brought James to the hospital the day he received the crushing blow of his diagnosis, and — along with his partner — served as his caregiver from that moment until the day he died. I was in my early thirties, and the AIDS epidemic of the 1990s was sweeping the nation. James was but one of many dear friends who would lose their lives to the disease.

James’s passing came on the heels of the unraveling of my marriage and on the precipice of major career changes. Disillusioned to discover that the “perfect” life, which I’d worked so hard to create, left me empty and miserable inside, I felt like a part of myself had also died that day. It was a time of great uncertainty.

My faith — in myself, in the good of society, and in the presence of a Divine Power to guide and protect us — was deeply shaken. I had reached a tipping point. The experience launched me on a quest to discover the truth about life, before it all came to an end.

I walked out of the hospital in silence, passing a toddler, who was gleefully running away from her mother. Instinctively, the mother reached out and grabbed the child’s hand — leading her to safety. I vaguely remembered my own mother doing the same for me, the first time I ran away to explore on my own.

Becoming Unshakeable is an accounting of some of the twists, turns, and hurdles I encountered on my journey, along with the astounding spiritual revelations that unveiled themselves along the way. There were many times — like that of laying twenty-four-year-old James to rest — when my faith on the path was shaken to the core. What I now know in hindsight is that those were the precise moments that awakened me to the part of myself that is unshakable.

This is the path that I chose. It is not the only one, nor is it cut out for everyone, and it was undoubtedly made more difficult from the obstacles I placed in my own way. In the overcoming of these obstacles, I have discovered an inner self-reliance that is independent of anyone or anything outside the self; a reliable pathway back home to the love, joy, and peace we all are at our core.

***

To read more about Patti’s path to discovering inner beauty and divinity, pick up your copy of Becoming Unshakeable by Patti Montella on Amazon.