Everyone Experiences A “Moment”

The following is an edited excerpt from the book Pivot: Embracing the Moments That Change Your Destiny by Jody Ray.

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We do not remember days, we remember moments. — CESARE PAVESE

Not everyone experiences the death of a loved one, a divorce, job loss, or another life-altering event, but everyone has a moment. We all have dark seasons of life. Part of being human is experiencing the full spectrum of thoughts and emotions. When we encounter the difficult, painful ones, we can’t keep asking, “Why me?” We can’t play the blame game, wanting others to bear the weight of our problems or take responsibility for them.

Most of us don’t set out with the intention of wrecking our lives. We don’t plan on encountering difficulties or walking down a wrong path, but certain situations change our circumstances. Oftentimes, these changes occur unexpectedly. My divorce wasn’t planned. I woke up one day, my life was different, and I had to respond accordingly. I had to live through the difficulty. Similarly, many of our crises and dark moments are outside our control. We can’t dodge them, run from them, or pretend they don’t exist.

How we respond in a dark moment determines our direction. We can’t give up and think, “My life is terrible. I don’t have a future. I’ve made too many mistakes.” We can’t throw ourselves away. If we reach out to God in those moments, He will respond to us.

David’s Psalms

David, a prominent figure in the Bible, was a shepherd boy with no significant lineage. He didn’t appear to have a bright future, and surely, he would never be chosen to be a king. However, David was called by God to do great things. From childhood to adulthood, his life was filled with events that prepared him for his future.

David was destined for greatness, but he made mistakes — huge, irrevocable mistakes — and some had fatal consequences. But God didn’t give up on David or toss him aside. He didn’t move on and choose someone else because he thought David was too far gone or no good. In the midst of David’s messed-up life, full of adultery, murder, and brokenness, God was still faithful to David. He still used him. Even after all his mistakes, God said David was “a man after His own heart.”

David also had struggles in his life that were not a result of his own choices. David had faithfully served a man named Saul, but Saul turned against David and wanted him dead. Saul relentlessly pursued David to the point that he had to spend time in hiding. He lost his home and community and had to live in caves.

David experienced life — what it means to be human. When plagued with situational depression and anxiety, he poured his heart out to God by writing psalms. He asked why this was happening to him — why were these his circumstances? He tried to do the right thing by serving Saul, but he found himself in a dark place and didn’t know where to go or what to do. Here are several verses from the book of Psalms that clearly express David’s anguish:

Psalm 18:6 (NIV)

“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help.”

Psalm 69:1–2 (NIV)

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.”

Psalm 86:1–3 (NCV)

“Lord, listen to me and answer me. I am poor and helpless. Protect me, because I worship you. My God, save me, your servant who trusts in you. Lord, have mercy on me, because I have called to you all day.”

David openly expressed his pain in his writing, but he also turned to God and praised him within his psalms:

Psalm 43:5 (NLT)

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again — my Savior and my God!”

Psalm 46:1 (NIV)

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

David’s situation began to change when he cried out to God. The Lord promises to be faithful. He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when our love for Him fails, His love for us remains the same. He is always present and ready for us to come to Him. There is power when we turn to God, and He meets us in those moments.

Crisis Moment Emotions

Anxiety and Fear

When we first enter into a life crisis, we can’t see beyond it, and we often think it’s going to last forever. We wonder what we are going to do, because there seems to be no way out of the situation. We think we are stuck, and we begin to feel anxiety and fear about the future.

Over time, anxiety and fear begin to control us: they evolve into worry, which is chronic. Worry creates an unhealthy thought pattern I call “circular thinking.” We go around and around, fearful about the same thing over and over, expanding the scenario in our minds.

For example, if you lose your job, you might think, “I’m not going to get a job. I can’t find a job. I won’t have any money. I’m going to lose my house and my car. What if I get a job after I’ve lost my car? How will I get to work then?” This spiral of negative thoughts played out similarly for me when I got divorced: “I’ll never get married again. I’m damaged goods. I’ll never have kids.”

Circular thinking is a waste of time and energy. We exaggerate the negative; we think much too far ahead and create a future in our minds that most likely will not happen.

You have to stop circular thinking in its tracks: don’t give in, and don’t give up. If you find yourself in this thought pattern, say, “Stop. This isn’t going to happen. I’m not jumping to these conclusions.”

Situational Depression

Situational depression is a form of depression that occurs because of a crisis in our lives. When we experience stressful situations, we often react with symptoms of sadness, fear, anxiety, or even hopelessness. Situational depression often occurs when we have problems adapting to a new situation. For example, a job loss, divorce, or loss of a loved one can trigger situational depression. It’s important not to ignore these feelings, because situational depression could develop into major depression.

Loneliness

A recent Cigna study of twenty thousand US adults reports that almost five out of every ten people suffer from feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is a state of mind that causes a person to feel empty and alone. People who are lonely desire human contact, but their state of mind makes it difficult for them to make connections. Loneliness is not necessarily about being alone — it’s about feeling alone. It doesn’t matter if a person is by themselves or in a room full of people; they can still feel lonely.

Loneliness is a complex emotion because it is unique to each individual. For example, a lonely teenager who struggles with making friends at school will have different needs than a person who is recently divorced or one who has lost their spouse of many years.

If left unchecked, anxiety, fear, depression, and loneliness can impact our outlook on life and the choices we make. Some of the decisions we make under the influence of these powerful emotions can have difficult consequences. We may end up feeling worse than we did before, or we can negatively affect those around us. A friend of mine — let’s call him John — experienced the consequences of this cycle.

John’s Story

John came from a great family, and he was a handsome guy. He also had great athletic abilities. His good looks and athleticism made him very popular in high school and in his fraternity in college. John lived in a world full of opportunity, and he appeared to have everything going for him. However, in college, he made some unfortunate mistakes. The fraternity and party scene were too much for him, and he began to drink heavily. At first, it was only on the weekends, but it became an everyday occurrence. His heavy drinking led to drug use that became an addiction. He eventually lost his scholarships and was forced to leave school.

John began to spiral downward. He thought, “I’ve completely screwed up my life. I’ve lost my scholarships. I have no future. I can never get back to who I once was.” The spiral of negative thoughts led him into depression, and he isolated himself from others.

John’s parents tried to help him, but John didn’t respond well. He continued to lie, manipulate, and even steal from them. He was no longer connected with his friends from school, and he even found himself living on the streets for a time. He felt as if nobody would listen to him or understand his situation — nobody could help him. He continued to medicate himself to numb the pain. Since John felt like a failure and didn’t think there was a way out of the situation he had created, he continued further down the dark path of addiction.

You might think John’s downward spiral was natural. He made choices and was living with the consequences. But it doesn’t matter whether we’re hurting because of a choice we’ve made or an external circumstance outside of our control; the emotions of the downward spiral are similar.

Susan’s Story

Susan was forty years old when her healthy and athletic forty-one-year-old husband was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away six months later. Susan was beautiful inside and out. She had much to enjoy in life, but she couldn’t get over her husband’s death. All she could think and talk about was his death. She was stuck in the pain of that moment and couldn’t move past it.

Susan loved her husband and was fully devoted to him; her pain was overwhelming. The life she pictured for herself and her family disappeared when he died. Five years later, she still hadn’t accepted her circumstances.

Both John and Susan were in the midst of darkness and couldn’t see the light: they were stuck. They needed help to move through their season of crisis and to see the greater future God had for them.

Moving Beyond The Moment

A crisis can be overwhelming. It can overtake you. When we are hurting, we want the pain to go away, and we’ll do whatever we can to make that happen as quickly as possible. Instead of waiting for God, listening to Him, and pursuing Him, we seek other solutions. We might rebound into a new relationship or medicate the problem, but those are only temporary fixes. They don’t heal the pain. By working on ourselves and allowing God to work in us, we can move out of our situation. We can come out of a dark season and move into a new one.

If we want to maneuver through a difficult moment, we need to define where we are. You’d think that would be easy: just define the crisis. But many of us don’t even get that far. We continue to make excuses, keep asking why this is happening to us, or think that God is “punishing” us. If you are still thinking these thoughts, you’ve yet to define the moment.

Our circumstances are never as good as we think they are, but they aren’t as bad as we think they are, either. Your life isn’t over, and when you find yourself falling into circular thinking, you must recognize it and put a stop to it. Once you’ve reached this point, you will be able to assess the reality of your situation and see your circumstance from a different perspective.

If I were your coach, I’d listen to you and try to understand your story. Then, I’d help you define where you are. Without minimizing the pain or pushing it aside, we’d identify the starting point as “ground zero,” and then we’d discuss where you’d like to be. I’d ask you to paint and describe an ideal picture of your life — what you want it to look like. What are your goals and dreams?

Then, starting with where we are at the present moment, we’d set goals and chart a course for achieving them. We wouldn’t strive for perfection; we’d simply create a plan to move forward and get closer to the picture you described. You might already know the steps you’d need to take, and it’s just a matter of getting started. Or it’s possible you won’t know what the second step is until after you take the first one. The important thing is that you take the step and make progress toward finding your purpose.

Finding someone who can help you embrace your present reality and, by faith, move into your future is an important part of moving forward. You could seek out a counselor, a pastor, a trusted friend, or a family member — anyone who can help you move forward. Choose someone who would be a helpful, positive influence and can keep you accountable to the process. Just know you have to do the heavy lifting. It’s up to you to move forward.

Remember this: a mistake is an event, not a person. You aren’t defined by your circumstances, and the crisis is not the end. The crisis is the beginning of something wonderful and new if you put your faith in God, trust Him, and believe He can and will meet you in your moment. He can turn your life around. You can begin this process of healing with a person you trust, but you must work through it for yourself, with God’s help.

Faith In Action

So, what does it look like to recognize our crisis moment, move beyond our pain, and seize our God-given future?

John’s Outcome

John had been in and out of several rehab programs. He wasn’t complying with them and kept getting kicked out. Eventually, he realized he had to commit to a rehab program if he was going to get better. He wouldn’t be able to move forward if he was stuck in the cycle of drug and alcohol addiction, and he needed outside help to overcome it.

John didn’t come to this realization instantly — there were setbacks. He and I began spending time together. We read Scripture and talked about life, and I could see he was slowly releasing himself from the prison of his crisis.

To make progress from that point, John had to create a plan. His next steps were finding a job and a place to live. Then, he wanted to go back to college. He had lost his scholarships when he was a freshman, so he had to start over from the beginning.

John completed the first two steps of his plan. When he returned to school, he began dating the girl who would later become his wife. John took the initiative to leave the past behind and move on with his life, but he couldn’t do it alone. He placed his faith in God, and God helped him move beyond the crisis.

If you saw John today, you would never know he had a rough past. He is married with two children, and he is a respected businessman in his community. He is on fire for Christ and doesn’t hesitate to share the story of what God has done in his life. John recognized he had much to live for. He saw that God wasn’t finished with him yet.

Susan’s Outcome

Susan and I met, and we defined where she was. She had spent the last five years of her life reliving her husband’s death over and over. She hadn’t made any progress toward healing. All this time, she thought she was honoring her husband by mourning him, but she finally saw the light. Loneliness and dwelling on the past were not only affecting her, but they were also affecting her son.

Susan had to surrender and embrace what had happened to her. It was unfair and it certainly wasn’t her choice, but it was her reality. She knew she needed to move forward, not only for herself, but also for her child. She said she wanted to move forward in life, fall in love and have a family, and have a father for her son.

After she expressed her desires and decided where she wanted to be, it was time to take the next step. It was fine for her to meet with me initially, but in order to truly open up and move past the pain, she needed professional help. Her next step was seeking out a counselor who could help her process her grief.

Susan recognized she had an opportunity to begin a new life. It was a pivot moment. Once she believed she had a future, things began to change. It took some time, but today Susan’s life is a wonderful example of God’s ability to transform. She went on to marry again, and she and her husband have added children to their family. The healing that has taken place for her is beautiful.

Not An Accident

During hard times, we may feel as if we’ve done something wrong; we’ve done something to “deserve” our difficulties. I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen to us. I don’t believe I was predestined to get a divorce and Susan’s husband was predestined to die at a young age. I don’t believe God causes our crisis moments, but I do believe God can use them for our good and His glory. I believe God can take those difficult moments in our lives and use them to help us see Him more clearly and understand His purpose for our lives.

I’ve learned there is a deep relationship with God that can only be experienced in the midst of a dark season in life. It’s difficult to understand and even more difficult to describe, but there is a deeper level of intimacy with God that we can only experience when we walk with Him through times of crisis. Even though I shudder when I think back on all the pain I experienced over the span of ten years — and I would never return to those days — I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world. Without the pain, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I leaned on my faith in Jesus during the hard times, and by doing so, He led me to my destiny. I truly believe God will do this for all of us, if we let Him.

My prayer for you is that you will put your faith in God, no matter the circumstances or crisis you may be facing right now. You will begin to look for and find the opportunities that exist in your pivot moment. You will embrace your failures, your situation, and your heartache. When presented with opportunities, you will seize them, and you’ll move forward into the purpose I believe God has for you.

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To keep reading, pick up Pivot: Embracing the Moments That Change Your Destiny on Amazon.