Finding Hope after Beating Cancer

The following is adapted from From Doctor to Patient by Diva Nagula.

Rock bottom is further down than you think.

I didn’t hit rock bottom when I was diagnosed with stage four non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma — at that point I was optimistic, if afraid of the unknown. I didn’t hit it when the oncologist told me I needed chemotherapy — at that point, I was furious with God.

I hit rock bottom when I went into remission.

After completing my last round of chemo treatment, I was completely depleted. I was so fatigued that my daily exercise goal was just to walk to the mailbox and back. I had gained weight because I’d been sedentary. It wasn’t just my body that was a wreck. During my cancer treatment, I’d become so angry that I’d alienated everyone. I’d exited my business just before my diagnosis, and within the same year I’d divorced and moved to a different city. I’d stopped reaching out to friends, who didn’t know what to do with someone who was so sick. I had no willpower, no drive, no reason to get up in the morning.

What was worse in remission was that I didn’t have the cancer to be angry at anymore.

My cancer journey had changed my identity. Before cancer, my identity was being a doctor. I had helped thousands of patients in my lifetime. With the news I needed chemo, it was official: I was very sick. My identity switched to that of a patient. Other physicians and oncologists cared for me, but I looked everywhere for answers about how I could recover my health. I didn’t feel I could lean on anyone for support; one by one I’d crossed everyone off my list. I isolated myself. It wasn’t just my physical body that had cancer. It was also my relationships, my mind, and my spirit.

After the diagnosis, the cancer and I became one and the same.

Then, after five rounds of chemo, I’d beaten cancer. I had been elated for just a moment when the doctor told me I was cancer-free. In the next moment, I wondered, “Who am I going to share this with?” Except for my parents and my immediate family, I was alone.

A few weeks later, I was in a parking lot, out of breath from the walk from the store back to my car. I looked up from the keys in my hand and saw a familiar face coming toward me. Holy crap, I realized, it’s Adam.

Adam was a personal trainer and a good friend of mine. I’d moved to North Carolina for the summer, and after my diagnosis I just lost touch. I never reached out to him when I got sick. He has such a positive disposition, and seeing his face instantly lifted my spirits.

As we exchanged pleasantries, I remembered how great I’d felt when I was working out with him. We would work on strength training and conditioning, but Adam also had boxing pads. Suddenly I said, “You know what? I want to do that again. I want to beat the crap out of those pads.”

I wanted to beat up on the cancer and on everything I’d just gone through.

I needed physical exercise, and I needed to release the emotions that had built up over five months of chemo and isolation. I needed to let go of the anger and animosity and mistrust I’d been harboring. I was ready to fight for my well-being.

That chance meeting with Adam started a transformation in my body, mind, and spirit. I was able to reconnect with him, and we had a great bond. My friendship with him allowed me to remove the label of distrust I’d put on all the people in my life. I began to heal my relationships.

As we trained together week after week, my body transformed. Endorphins finally flowed freely to my brain, which improved my mood. I lost weight and my clothes fit nicely. My self-esteem grew as I saw positive changes in my body.

I was filled with hope. Maybe there was a reason I’d run into Adam in the grocery store parking lot. Maybe there was a reason the cancer hadn’t killed me. I was given an opportunity to make something of my life. This journey has taught me so much about caring for myself, and I realized my story and my knowledge was now a gift I could offer to others.

In remission, cancer no longer defined me. I began to connect with something bigger than me.

To learn more about finding hope after cancer, you can find From Doctor to Patient on Amazon.

DR. DIVA NAGULA has been a physician for over twenty years. His proactive mentality during his battle with cancer led him to pursue further training in integrative medicine at the University of Arizona under the renowned Andrew Weil, M.D. Integrative medicine, a blend of traditional and alternative medicine, gave Dr. Nagula the tools to help heal his mind, body, and spirit during his cancer battle. Those tools also help him maintain his health now that he’s in remission. Dr. Nagula recently moved to the greater Washington D.C. area where he is close to his family and friends and owns and operates an on-demand intravenous hydration concierge business.