How to Define Healthy Emotional Boundaries and Carry Your Own Backpack

The following is adapted from Carry Your Own Backpack by Holly A. Schneider.

Imagine meeting up with a friend in a coffee shop for a visit. When it is time to leave, you would carefully take your items with you, leaving behind the items that belong to your friend. If I had my backpack (or belongings) with me, I would pick it up as I go on my way. I would not leave it behind with you. Nor would you leave your items behind for me to take home. We wouldn’t intentionally steal each other’s possessions as we left. However, we do this “emotional” taking all the time and justify it. For example, if you disclose what you are struggling with, it does not belong to me. It belongs to you. My thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and needs are not yours to figure out. Now, this doesn’t mean you stop caring about the struggles of others. If you are a loving person, of course, you care. Being empathetic and supportive is healthy. We care deeply, but we don’t have to give someone else’s experience repetitive “airtime” in our heads, carrying it as our hardship.

When we get caught up in the emotions of others, it leads to our own emotionality, often resulting in judgment and double-standard opinions. However, when we see others as competent individuals, we accept that they are capable of figuring out their struggles, just as we are capable in ours. The perspectives of others belong to them. And yours belong to you. Staying out of the extremes of overreacting (circling strong emotion and judgment) and underreacting (apathy and detachment) leads to secure, balanced emotion. It is challenging to give healthy support to others when we lack our own balance with emotion.

We understand a limited portion of others’ struggles but believe we understand it all when personal information is shared. Our opinions tell us this, leading us to believe that our “expert” roles as parents, friends, mentors, supervisors, family members, leaders, and teachers entitle us to share opinions. In reality, we have no idea what another person is dealing with in their personal situation, even after they disclose perspective on it. We do not know the complexity of their experience or circumstances. We know only what we see, based on our backpack experience. Having opinions about others is dangerous and often ignorant for this very reason. We see a snapshot of a big picture. Our perceptions, riddled with bias, come from our experiences (both good and bad), not from fact. Be careful about sharing opinions because you hold only your experience as perspective. This is why gossip is toxic and often inaccurate. When we share information that does not belong to us, driven by the need to be heard, we cross that line.

Perceptions are not reality. Although they are our reality, they are not a full reality. If you are passionate about your beliefs, it is sometimes challenging to understand why others have such opposing views. When we accept that others can have different ways of thinking, we reduce judgment and ask questions to understand. Curiosity about differences is more productive than merely sharing your opinion, expecting others to think like you. This approach is a gift that opens up your experience, humbles the self, and brings connection.

What belongs to you has to do with you. Remember your backpack contains your:

• Thoughts
• Feelings
• Beliefs
• Values
• Perceptions
• Standards
• Expectations
• Needs
• Goals
• Hopes

What belongs to others is exactly the same. Honoring this boundary feels intrinsically right. When we don’t honor it, it is carried in our backpacks in the form of emotional baggage. Worry, stress, irritation, judgment, and frustration are added weights that we need not carry. Operating from the notion of what belongs to you creates a paradigm that encourages healthy boundaries, particularly around difficult moments. This boundary dilemma can be observed in family relationships, as well as in organizations and larger systems. When this backpack concept gets applied, whether on a micro- or macro-level, it produces meaningfulness that changes who we are and how we interact with others.

Think about all the areas where you observe judgment. Consider your opinions on the following:

• How others spend time or money
• Career choices
• Educational standards
• Family relationships
• Religion
• Politics
• Sports

The list goes on. Assess for yourself when you get caught up in the backpacks of others. Do you experience this boundary violation with family and friends? If so, you can change it.

You Have to Define Healthy Emotional Boundaries

I recall a personal mission statement shared by one of my clients. It is a quote by Juansen Dizon: “Not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.” Deciding what you will carry is a choice, even if someone else tries to stick stuff in your backpack.

Let’s look at a benign situation like driving. If you observe someone driving in a way that you don’t like, think about how quickly you can find your way to frustration. Within seconds you might emotionally escalate, venting to others afterward, making assumptions about a situation that you know very little about. If someone else is driving poorly, does that belong to you? Do you need to have an opinion on this? Can sharing your opinions be a form of entitlement? The answer is yes.

A healthy person notices rising internal frustration in situations outside of their control. Accepting a moment of struggle while intentionally directing focus on what belongs to you is a learned skill. However, this is no easy task. Recognizing your mindset errors is critical to your emotional intelligence. Noticing your blind spots requires practice. What others think and do (even if it is about you) has little to do with you. It does not need your attention.

When faced with an emotional situation, beginning from this insight creates clarity. Before reacting, take a moment to reflect.

Ask yourself:

• “Which part of this situation belongs to me?”
• “How do I feel about it? Is my reaction warranted?”
• “What do I need in this situation?”
• “How can I communicate my needs skillfully?”

Creating clear solutions in the energy of your best self is centered on understanding perspective, rather than being right. This process promotes peace of mind. Best-self mindset is driven by connection and dual in nature.

It involves:

1. Doing what you know is healthy and right.
2. Speaking your truth clearly and calmly if/when it is warranted.

When we communicate based on what we feel is wanted by others, we lose our ability to operate authentically.

Take for example an argument with a loved one. Let’s say you disagree with something that they are doing. This practice creates an instant boundary for you to hold your tongue, unless the other person specifically asks you to examine what’s in their backpack for purposes of growth and connection. Your job is not to fix what you think they need to change. When you make another’s struggle yours, you add your own stuff for them to carry in their backpack. You are not entitled to be heard, even if that is what you want. The need to place your opinion on others is about you, not them. In this instance, your hands are in their backpack. Even though your opinion is disguised in “but I care” clothing, it is unnecessary unless requested. This is a hard lesson to apply in emotionally charged situations. Trust me, I am not perfect at it either. I just know that this boundary is healthy.

If someone brings you into their problem (asks for your help) and you are there willingly, walk next to them as they carry their backpack and while you carry yours. No one has a better or worse backpack. Each person has a different collection of items they carry around. Begin to notice when you attach to what others are feeling or doing. In these moments you are in violation of this boundary. Likewise, when you do things for others that they can do for themselves, again you are in violation. These boundaries are especially difficult when it comes to adult children, family members, and close friends. Walk next to your people. Don’t pull them, push them, or pick up their bag. They are capable.

To be clear, I am not talking about kind gestures that provide support or encouragement. I am referring to the frequent “giving” choices you do as a pattern or expectation because they are not living successfully on their own. For example, if you have an adult child, but you are cleaning for them, paying for things financially, or “taking care” of their adult responsibilities because you feel bad for their struggles, you are contributing to their skill deficit. This form of codependency disguises itself in love, but it is self-concerning at the core and reinforces the problem.

In some circumstances, when boundaries are defined, it upsets those around you. When this occurs, your loved one might resist or make guilt statements to let you know they are upset. I refer to this as getting hit with their backpack. As limits are established, your loved one may be angry or take it personally. This reaction does not belong to you, either. We can become emotionally skilled at accepting the reactions of others, pivoting in a new direction. By stepping out of the way, we create space to reset an unhelpful interaction pattern. It is important to clearly verbalize boundaries on what you will do and what you won’t.

The fear that we will make others upset when creating boundaries can be paralyzing. Most will accept boundaries if they are said in a peaceful and loving energy. Of course, there will always be those who resist limits, even when said beautifully. But again, that does not belong to you. It’s not your backpack. You can walk away from any problematic interaction with peace of mind, knowing that you followed your boundary, letting go of the reactions of others. You don’t have control over anyone else. Just you. See how that works?

For more simple tools to help you live peacefully, you can find Carry Your Own Backpack on Amazon.

Holly A. Schneider, LCSW, has twenty-six years of expertise in strengths-based systemic cognitive behavioral and dialectical behavioral clinical frameworks. Today, she works as an Organizational Life Coach and Culture Trainer for the employees of Delta Defense, LLC, in West Bend, Wisconsin, promoting mental health well-being.

In 2020, Holly won a moral courage award through the Wellness Council of Wisconsin for her mental health coaching in the workplace. Known by her clients as a “toolbox” therapist, her mission is to help others become the best version of themselves, regardless of what they carry in their backpacks.

She is married to her high school sweetheart, and together they have raised three daughters.