How to Get the Support You Need from Family When You Have Cancer

The following is adapted from Cancer: The Journey from Diagnosis to Empowerment, by Paul Anderson.

You’re the first person in your family to be diagnosed with cancer, and when you share the bad news with your loved ones, you get the equivalent of blank stares in return. Or, perhaps worse, your family overwhelms you with oppressive support when what you need right now is space.

The truth is that many people don’t know how to react when they learn a loved one has cancer. They probably mean well, but often, family members’ reactions can be more harmful than helpful.

Fortunately, there are ways for you, the patient, to communicate what you need, like using “I” statements, reinforcing positive behavior, and protecting yourself from negative thoughts. Guide your family toward the right behaviors, and they’ll likely be more than happy to give you the kind of support you need.

Using “I” Statements

“I” statements can be an effective tool for communicating your needs without causing the person you’re criticizing to become defensive.

Thomas Gordon is credited for developing the “I” statement in the 1960s as a style of communication that focuses on the feelings of the speaker rather than the characteristics the speaker attributes to the listener.

For example, a person might say to their partner, “I feel abandoned and worried when you consistently come home late without calling,” instead of demanding, “Why are you never home on time?” It can help neutralize the request by focusing on your needs and not the behavior of others.

This is more critical with some people in our lives than others but can open and deescalate communication with anyone. With a cancer diagnosis, you have enough going on in your life that any advantage you can use to decrease stress in communication is important.

Reinforcing Positive Behavior

When trying to shift the focus of behavior, the use of “I” statements are powerful. The use of reinforcement phrases with our family and friends are also powerful.

This technique is essentially focusing on what we want to see in the relationship and, even if it’s something small, finding things the other person is doing well and pointing them out. This is often the opposite of what many of us learn, which is pointing out the negative we do not desire.

A reinforcing statement such as, “I love it when you ___” or “It makes my day when you support me by ___” can be incredibly powerful at showing others what helps us most.

If you were not raised using “I” statements or reinforcement, it can feel odd and forced at first. The benefit is that the communication around what you need is relayed in a neutral, nonjudgmental, and positive manner. This is normally a win for any relationship.

Protect Yourself from Negative Thoughts and Influences

Lastly, there are situations where you can’t quickly change another person’s behavior. Instead, you’ll want to protect yourself from their negative thoughts and influences.

Your health and healing depend on you distancing negative people because toxicity in human interactions can be more damaging to health than a toxic chemical. Is someone in your life manipulative or judgemental? Do they never apologize? Do you feel like you need to prove yourself to them?

If so, it’s time to cut those people out of your life, or at least distance yourself from them while you’re going through your cancer journey. Every human has some level of toxic humanity around them, but being able to recognize and deal with it increases your empowerment and control over your health.

Put Your Health and Yourself First

As you’ll learn firsthand, your family can be neutral, a healing force, or toxic. Ideally, you’ll be able to nudge them toward “healing” and get the support you need from your family. Use “I” statements and reinforce positive behavior, and they’ll probably get the message.

But if they don’t hear you, despite your best efforts, don’t hesitate to move to the protection step. Give yourself the distance you need to thrive. Your physical and mental health comes first in your cancer journey, always.

If a loved one wants to be a part of your journey, it’s on them to provide the support you need. Until then, surround yourself with the people who do support you and focus on moving toward a healthier, happier future.

For more advice on improving your quality of life when you have cancer, you can find Cancer: The Journey from Diagnosis to Empowerment on Amazon.

Dr. Paul S. Anderson is a nationally recognized educator and clinician who has decades of experience with cancer and complex chronic illness. As head of the interventional arm of a human trial funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health, Dr. Anderson oversaw research into integrative therapies for cancer patients. Dr. Anderson was the founder of a number of clinics specializing in the care of people with cancer and chronic illness and is now focusing his efforts on training other physicians and writing. He is the co-author of Outside the Box Cancer Therapies, with Dr. Mark Stengler and the anthology Success Breakthroughs, with Jack Canfield.