How To Start Making Peace With Food And Body Image

The following is an edited excerpt from the book, Within: Making Peace with Food and Body Image to Create a Healthy Family and Home, by Karen Diaz.

“It’s too late for me. Save her.”

Many women who suffer from eating/body image disorders feel they are beyond the point of overcoming them. They suffer in silence as they work, take care of the home, and raise their children. They don’t realize they are passing on the same food and diet beliefs and concerns to their daughters until, suddenly, the daughter is now a teenager with her own disorder.

That’s where I come in. As a registered dietitian certified in intuitive eating, I use my expertise to guide people in overcoming their disordered eating and body image issues. Not just teens but also their mothers, because it’s never too late to get started. You can absolutely have a healthy relationship with food and provide a healthy environment for your family. This book will show you how.

Establishing The Framework

The first step in the journey toward finding peace with food and body image is to truly accept the goal of health over weight loss. Most people don’t recognize that a number on the scale is not directly a reflection of their health. They want to have peace with themselves. They don’t want the chaos around food or to obsess about each bite they put in their mouths. When they come to me and follow the plan I set forth, they see results. They no longer obsess about food, they sleep better, they crave sugar less than before, and they stop bingeing. But often, if they don’t attain a magical, toned, perfect body, they think they’ve failed.

That’s what we’ve been sold as a society. Eat healthily and everything changes. Don’t get me wrong: you may love going to the gym, lifting weights, and attending classes. You may want to challenge yourself in fitness, but know that it won’t necessarily guarantee you will look like an ideal you were sold on. Everyone’s body is different, and the critical step is to realize you’re worthy of being happy, having fun, dressing nice, and feeling sexy — no matter what the scale says.

Changing Your Focus

Imagine that your daughter is meant to be a size ten. Do you want her to spend her entire life starving herself, avoiding nourishing foods, and trying to fight her body? No. This applies to boys as well. They may feel pressure to appear muscular to show they work hard or to feel safe from bullies. You wouldn’t want that, so why do you want that for yourself? Why do you tie your self-worth to your weight? Why is your happiness based on a number or fitting into a pair of jeans?

Food and body image struggles lead some people to alcohol, bad relationships, or a poor relationship with money. Let go of the idea that you need to look a certain way and be a certain size to be happy, because that concept will permeate your whole life. Instead of, “I need to be here in order to feel X,” rearrange your mindset to say, “I want to feel X, so what do I need to do?”

How do you shift your goal from weight loss to being healthy? Expand on the idea of how you want to feel. Adjust your mindset to keep it focused on your destination.

In the past, you’ve probably stepped on a scale and envisioned that when you lost the weight, you would finally feel at peace. That you would feel calm, accepted, loved, and worthy. But the key is determining how you can feel those things now. Today. You need to love yourself to heal. If you’re meant to lose weight, you will through that place of feeling peace, calm, love, and worthiness beginning now. When you intentionally delay experiencing those feelings, you do this through a place of deprivation, pain, and sacrifice, and you remain in a place of feeling empty, disconnected, and unloved. Even if you achieve some of your physical goals, these feelings will continue to have a negative effect on your frame of mind and impede your larger journey toward overall health and well-being.

If someone has a million dollars in the bank, the money alone will not make them happy. In order to enjoy it, they need to tie their fortune to a larger purpose. I know that I want freedom, to travel, and to donate to charities. That is how I feel empowered, loved, and connected. It’s what I do with money that makes me feel good about it. It’s not the money itself. The scale is in the same realm. You may have an idealized perception of how you’ll feel once you hit that goal number, but in reality, your satisfaction and peace will ultimately derive from the larger purpose you connect to your efforts.

Reject Societal Norms

Society still judges those who are overweight. We can’t escape the underlying belief that overweight means lazy while a toned physique means happiness and hard work. Whether it’s in person or on social media, people continue to make judgments about those they perceive as less than the ideal. The majority of people aren’t shaped like the actors on television, but we’re not yet to the point of feeling comfortable and embracing diversity as normal.

When people make reference to “being real,” it bothers me because a size two is real, a size ten is real, and a size twenty is real. And being a size two doesn’t mean the woman loves her body. She might judge her cellulite or dislike her body shape. I have often heard people confess that at the times they were in the best shape, they were the least happy. We can’t continue to judge or think someone is healthy based on their clothing size, in either direction. Knowing you are judged as beautiful and feeling pressure to maintain a weight, or being told you need to lose weight by a doctor due to your size without delving into the whole picture can be mentally stressful in either case.

A Pound Doesn’t Change You

When I worked at the eating disorder clinic, I used to lead a group of girls over to the scale and weigh myself in front of them. Afterward, I would step off, drink two cups of water, and get back on the scale. The number would have gone up a pound. Had my body changed? Was I different? No. The only thing that had happened was that I drank two cups of water.

I even performed this exercise when I was pregnant and weighed the highest weight of my life. The girls were shocked by the water-weight gain but even more by the fact that I would step on the scale in front of them. I asked them, “But do you look at me any differently now that you know exactly how much I weigh?” Not a single one did.

Think of a time when you were a smaller size. Were you happier then than you are now? Was your life perfect? Was it everything you wanted? Most people can relate to looking back at an old picture of themselves, whether five or ten years ago, and thinking they looked amazing, thin, and pretty. But if they think back to how they felt at the time, they remember that they weren’t happy. Maybe they didn’t feel great about themselves or wanted a better relationship, or more money. Maybe they wanted to lose weight and now they are thinking they wish they could be that size.

This has happened to me. I am not immune to it; I just have the self-talk to get around it and don’t let it linger. When I lived in Costa Rica, I felt terrible about myself because of the humidity. I felt sweaty all the time, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and hardly ever wore makeup. I didn’t want to work out and felt stressed because I was financially supporting our family. I gained weight and felt so uncomfortable. It really wasn’t the weight that made me uncomfortable. I was simply reacting to a lot of change at once. Recently, I watched a video of myself there and thought I looked awesome. What had I had to complain about? It was a good reminder that our weight and body can become an area of distraction for other things going on.

It’s important to challenge this thought process. Avoiding the mirror until we are happy with the way we look can make the discomfort worse and affect our food choices because we are not in a state of acceptance. Truly see yourself through kind eyes, not critical eyes. Instead of looking back and seeing your beauty, feel it now. Look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful. People love me. I have a purpose. I give back. I help people. I have a place in this world, and just because I’m picking myself apart in the mirror right now doesn’t mean that’s what’s true.” Get comfortable giving yourself compliments and fully receiving them. Start with one compliment. It gets easier the more you give yourself permission and choose this option. If not feeling good about yourself causes daily suffering, it’s a sign you need to take a step back and investigate whether underlying emotional issues are affecting you.

Change Your Mindset To Change The Goal

A diet has an end goal. When you get to a certain weight or size, you can stop dieting. You’re able to harness willpower and motivation because of the goal. You endure the pain for the promise of happiness later.

What if you decided to change your mindset? Identify the beliefs and underlying emotions that you are avoiding. From there, you can work on finding new habits that make you feel fulfilled and peaceful now. There is no end date; rather, it becomes a way of living every day.

Diets can be seductive because of that high hope for a better body and life. The lie in that is to say you can’t have that right here, today. Allow your best self to shine instead of battling to become something later on. The work involves many steps, but at the end, most say they will never go back to the way they were. They want to retain their new sense of calm with food. They want to release their focus on food and their weight. They want to be comfortable in their skin.

It is scary for people to let go of the weight-loss challenge because they fear that if they do, they will balloon out of control. In reality, however, once someone has shifted their mindset and has started looking at food and their body in a different way, it allows them to change. They can see social media posts and diet ads and not be swayed by them. They get to that place where they can enjoy that turkey sandwich and leave half of it on the plate, or they can opt to skip dessert that day. Food no longer rules their lives, and they can enjoy going for a run in the fresh air. Their focus is no longer about getting in that thirty-minute run because they have to get in shape but rather because they enjoy it. They never want to go back to how they were because they love how they feel when they’ve regained their energy. Would you rather hate your body as you wait to get thin and feel good, or would you rather feel good today, regardless of your size and shape, so you can set goals in your life from a place of love?

Living In The Gray

Almost everyone I work with tells me they are a black-and-white person. They’re either all in or all out. They’re on a diet, or they’re out of control. But that’s not how you were born. Seeing things in black and white is a trait you can change, and the process of listening to your body and trusting your intuition is not a black-and-white proposition. This is different for everybody, which is why I can’t help clients by simply giving them meal plans and telling them what to eat. Theirs is not a nutrition-education problem. It’s a mental health and diet-belief problem. And a critical aspect of addressing it is learning to live in and embrace the gray area.

This principle is relevant to various elements of this work, including choices made around food. Martha strictly believed she needed to provide healthy meals for her family and never stray from that goal. One dish she often served was a healthy version of chicken parmesan because her kids wanted it every week. The recipe involved grilled chicken with fat-free mozzarella and whole wheat pasta topped with fat-free marinara sauce. Almost every meal she cooked was a low-calorie, dry version of a classic, but she was losing control and bingeing most days.

We decided to make the regular version of chicken parmesan one day and enjoy it without guilt. She agreed to try the experience. She breaded the chicken and fried it, then topped it with full-fat mozzarella and sauce. On the side was white pasta with regular marinara sauce. The kids were thrilled.

Martha admitted she loved it as well. She also felt full faster, ate less of it, and was satisfied all night. Analyzing without judgment, she realized the fried chicken was too heavy for her stomach, and now it was a choice, not a rule, to avoid it. She chooses to feed the family the grilled chicken version, using a low-fat cheese blend, and serves the meat with whole wheat or white pasta depending on her mood. This is a good balance for her, a good gray area. Removing the “what I should do” and “what I have to do” helped her find and celebrate enjoying a meal.

June often made spaghetti for her family. Her thoughts were consumed with needing to lose weight, so she would make spaghetti squash for herself and pasta for her family. She was miserable eating the meal. She felt deprived and jealous watching them enjoy the pasta. She needed to be reminded she was allowed to dine on foods she wanted and had the ability to make those choices.

One evening, she decided to have the pasta with her family. After a couple of bites, she started to have stomach pain and felt bloated, so she stopped eating. She ended up making herself the squash and enjoyed it for how it tasted and made her feel. The key is that this decision came from a place of choice, not a place of deprivation. Her body had begun making good choices because it craved feeling good. Now she enjoys the spaghetti squash and has gone on to lose eighty pounds without dieting by making aligned choices with room for flexibility.

Mara felt bad about her body and was told she needed to focus on losing weight because of an autoimmune disorder. Her body was changing with age, and she was not happy. With a family wedding coming up, she was disappointed that her weight had not changed. I always encourage my clients to feel amazing where they are now and to buy clothing that fits them well.

It was time for Mara to go dress shopping, and she bought an outrageous outfit for the wedding. It was very unlike her. She was usually someone who blended into the background, and this outfit was red and flashy. She was so excited that she posted pictures to our online support group. When the day of the wedding turned out sweltering hot, she couldn’t wear the dress because it was more of a winter outfit. She pulled another dress that was the complete opposite — simple and casual — from the closet. At the wedding reception, the first thing she spotted was a sign on the wall that said, “Own it, bitch.” She took a picture of herself in front of the sign and said it was the most fun she’s ever had at a wedding because she wasn’t focused on food or clothes, only on people and connecting with family.

Celebrate Every Milestone

I encourage everyone to celebrate their successes and milestones, no matter how small. The sidebar showcases some new ways to judge your progress. Know that you’re moving forward, and you can choose how and with whom you celebrate. You can celebrate privately, with your family, with someone reading this book, or even publicly on your Facebook page. It doesn’t matter. The key is to celebrate yourself because these milestones are a big deal!

Which Milestones Can You Celebrate?

• First day you stop weighing yourself and trust the system
• First day you feel free from food thoughts
• Unfollow/unsubscribe social media/newsletters that make you feel deprived or less than
• First time you notice an urge to binge or emotionally eat and choose to delay reacting (even if you still give in)
• First time you leave food on your plate and consciously end a meal
• Organize closet and ditch clothes that don’t fit or are uncomfortable
• First time you schedule a daily routine, stick with it, and reflect on the benefits
• Create a vision or ideal day that feels exciting
• First time you pre-journal meals and/or batch cook for the week
• Eat a meal previously forbidden without feeling guilt and allowing satisfaction
• First time saying no or yes to something you normally wouldn’t because you are honoring your needs (e.g., going out with friends)
• Realize you want to change something in life and take action toward it
• Doing something that brings joy and allowing yourself to enjoy the moment
• Hear a negative comment and it has no effect or you don’t take it personally, and move on

These milestones are a reflection of the progress toward a life of trusting your intuition and body so you never have to overanalyze food again. When you are conditioned to praise yourself for following a meal plan or judge success by the number on the scale decreasing, the transition may feel confusing as you look for ways to know you are moving in the right direction. My hope is that these milestones will offer you peace of mind on the journey.

Choose tokens or events that are special to celebrate completing these milestones. They can be big or small, and completely personal. One person I know celebrated with her first-ever manicure. You may get manicures all the time and not think twice about it, but this was special to her. There was a nurse who wore the same pair of sneakers every day to work for years. She believed it was a waste of money to buy herself a new pair, so her way of celebrating was buying herself some new Skechers. Every time she looked at them, she remembered her progress and felt worthy with the reminder she deserved to be comfortable at work.

Whether anyone shares in your celebration doesn’t matter; you just need that moment of celebration for yourself. You might treat yourself to a movie or go on a girls’ night out. It’s nice to commemorate your milestones because they are a big deal to you. You’re committing to a new way of life that’s healthier for you and your family.

When The Going Gets Hard

Shifting your focus from weight loss to being healthy can seem hard, but I believe you have a choice in making the journey easy or hard.

First, define “hard” for yourself. Maybe you’ve spent your life trying to harness your willpower and restrict your food intake only to give up on yourself and spiral out of control. You judge yourself and say no to social invitations because you’re not happy with the way you look. You don’t stand up for yourself in relationships with friends or romantic partners because you don’t have confidence.

That is hard.

In my view, instilling your new mindset is not hard. It might feel confusing, but you’re reading this book for a reason. You have a nagging feeling that you are meant for more. You’re not meant to live a life bogged down by food, weight struggles, or body image. Listen to that voice and decide that this journey can be easy, because it can be easy. Give yourself the confidence to challenge your old mindset. Don’t believe every article you read. Trust yourself and your own instincts. If you allow the path to be easy, the shift happens so much faster.

Your past does not define you. It is not your identity unless you choose for it to be. Today, in the present moment, is where you can choose to move forward. When you think an action from yesterday dictates who you are today, it’s time to redirect your thoughts and lessen the pain. Pull the lessons you want to learn, then close the door to the past before you make choices today.

Focus forward. Get over that fear of “It’s not possible for me.” You have to decide that it doesn’t need to be hard. You absolutely can choose easy.

For more strategies on how to end the war with food and self-esteem, pick up Within: Making Peace with Food and Body Image to Create a Healthy Family and Home by Karen Diaz.