How Women Can Confidently Take Control of Their Divorce
The following is adapted from Move Forward Confidently by Patrick J. Kilbane J.D., CDFA ® and Caitlin Frederick.
Because you opened this article, you’re likely considering divorce (or know somebody who is) or are in the thick of it, and many of the questions on your mind are financial: How will I pay for college for my children? Will my lifestyle be dramatically reduced? What about alimony and child support? Am I going to be left with nothing?
Our goal is to provide you with a clear, comprehensive understanding of the divorce process. Think about the first thing you see when you enter an amusement park. A kiosk usually stands at the entrance with a map and a corresponding list showing where each ride is located. A big dot on the map displays your current position in relation to everything else. The dot is marked with the words “YOU ARE HERE.” Just like that kiosk map, we will show you where you currently are and how to get to the next place you need (and want) to go, as well as how to prevent mistakes — particularly financial ones.
We will break down the journey for you, step by step. Our intention is to help you create a plan for the future and gain the confidence and knowledge you need to navigate it.
Divorce Is Not Uncommon
It is important to know you’re not alone, neither the first person to go through a divorce nor the last. Approximately one-third of our clients, as well as prospective ones, are divorced. Recent government statistics show approximately 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. This number increases for second and third marriages.
Many women going through a divorce feel betrayed and hurt by the person they trusted most in the world. Others are the primary income earners or business owners who want to protect what they’ve built. Either way, they often feel trapped and want to exit the marriage as quickly as possible. Fears abound, including one of not being able to support themselves at anything close to the standard of living that they enjoyed during their marriage. (Millions of women have this worry; a 2013 study reported in Forbes magazine found that over 25 percent of the women polled with household incomes of $200,000 per year or more said they feared losing their money and ending up homeless.)
One of the biggest steps you can take at this moment is to view what lies ahead as a business decision, not an emotional one. By calling on your inner strength and taking control, you’ll lay the groundwork for a successful outcome. It is not easy for any of us to admit we don’t know something, especially when the stakes are high. We congratulate you on taking the steps necessary to successfully navigate your divorce and to educate yourself on the process. By doing so, you are on the right track to managing your future.
Discovering Yourself in Divorce
It is paramount for your lawyer — and all other professionals with whom you will be working during your case — to understand who you are, not only from a financial standpoint but from a personal one as well. We call gaining a deep understanding of a person the “Life Map” process.
The Life Map begins with an extensive interview. We ask detailed questions about your goals, values, interests, advisors, assets, and relationships. You explain your values as well as what — and who — is important to you. The Life Map helps us gain a deep perspective into what motivates you and what you would like your new life to look like. In many cases, it assists clients in learning more about themselves and helps in reevaluating priorities. The product of this extensive interview is your personalized Life Map, a one-page infographic to which every member of our wealth management team has access. It allows our team to get to know our clients at great depth. Further, the Life Map can be used in meetings with your lawyer and other members of your team to ensure everyone is on the same page regarding your goals and priorities.
In the beginning of the divorce process, and when creating a Life Map, many women cannot identify their goals and desires, and perhaps, at this point, you can’t either. This is normal. Insecurity, confusion, even bewilderment are by-products of divorce in its initial stages, as is the feeling of not being able to trust anyone. Occasionally, some women develop the false belief that they do not deserve a portion of the marriage’s finances because they didn’t “earn” it.
One of the most important things to do from the start is to surround yourself with professionals who will competently guide you through the numerous financial and business decisions ahead. Now is the time to make the most informed and educated decisions possible. In a divorce, once the assets are divided and a deal struck, it is generally irreversible. There is no turning back. Too many women going through a divorce assume they can “start over” — perhaps go back to school and train for a new career. They don’t ask or pursue enough financial resources to do so. Other women succumb to intimidation tactics or agree to not use attorneys — to their detriment. This is why it is extremely important to put together a competent team of professionals who will help ensure the most successful outcome.
Metamorphosis
When we think of a metamorphosis or a drastic change, we frequently visualize a caterpillar morphing into a beautiful butterfly. However, the truth is that before the caterpillar can take flight, it goes through a process of substantial growth and change inside the protection of the chrysalis.
In the same way, before your new life can begin, key components of the old one must be dismantled, carefully and deliberately. In this book, we will describe each stage of the divorce process — from the first moment to the final judgment and beyond. Further, we will outline the financial aspects of divorce and offer best practices for identifying a strong professional team of advisors. Even before the divorce is over, you should have a clear idea of the kind of lifestyle you’ll be able to live. Countless women go through divorce and come out on the other side with happier, more fulfilling lives. Transformation happens. The key formula is solid guidance, expertise, and a dose of optimism. We can provide you with all three.
For more advice on navigating divorce, Move Forward Confidently is available on Amazon.
Patrick Kilbane is a family law attorney, wealth manager, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. Caitlin Frederick is a Chartered Financial Analyst and a Certified Public Accountant. They bring over twenty years of combined experience in family law, financial planning, and wealth management to their clients at Ullmann Wealth Partners. Both Pat and Caitlin are extremely active in community service in the Northeast Florida area, where they both work and live.
