It’s Time We Dropped the Stigma Around Divorce
The following is adapted from The Holistic Divorce by Olga Nadal.
I like to say that relationships are separate entities from the individuals involved and have their own life cycles and expiration dates. For some, that date comes when they leave this world. For others, that date correlates with a variety of factors: they grew apart, became resentful, got bored, evolved at different speeds, wanted different things, could not agree on anything, betrayed trust, damaged loyalty, changed interests, had irreconcilable differences, or my favorite explanation to why a relationship ends, life happened. Whatever the reason, we need to start acknowledging that many — I would dare to say the majority — of us are not designed to remain in a marriage forever, especially the first one into which we enter.
We have to make peace with the reality that a bond that is outgrown, or in many cases, that has become far from beneficial, can be severed without creating a soul-shattering and traumatizing event. If you learn how to make the transition while minimizing the impact, the experience can be a catalyst for tremendous growth, emotional intelligence, and better alignment with your true self, meaning the self in the present moment, not the one who married years ago without fully knowing themselves or what they wanted from life. This is perfectly OK, and this article will show you how it is acceptable to want more and to not settle for good, but to instead seek extraordinary love.
Divorce has been villainized since its inception as the root cause for the disintegration of the family structure. I believe divorce is the remedy needed to stop a harmful bond from hurting the members of that family. The questionable belief that humans are supposed to form a long-lasting union with someone they chose at one time of their evolution — a union that can only be dissolved by death — has proven unsustainable for a high number of couples. For centuries, those who found themselves in loveless, or worse, abusive marriages had no recourse but to accept their fates and resign themselves to staying in damaging partnerships. We are fortunate to have the option to both legally and morally remove ourselves from the marriage and have a chance at a more fulfilled future, with or without a partner.
I have often said I am not pro-divorce nor pro-marriage, just pro happy people. Society perpetuates a damaging glorification of staying married at all costs, even to the detriment of the mental health of both the individual and their children. The fundamental takeaway, as we will explore, is that you have permission to do what is best for you, and what will inevitably benefit your children, and even your ex. This is not an exaggeration or metaphor. I have had many clients tell me that with time, their disgruntled spouses who were radically opposed to divorce have thanked them for taking the brave step they could not take themselves.
The biggest issues those considering divorce face are a lack of information tailored to their specific needs, a complete disregard for acknowledging the overriding influence emotions can play, and negative messaging about the process and aftermath that society has quietly accepted without questioning. It has been my mission to change every single one of these obstacles to clear the path for those who, in my opinion, are courageous and honest enough to admit when it is time to end a cycle. I have tirelessly researched ways to bridge the gap between what people presume divorce is and what it can be once you accept responsibility for your part in the unfolding. My clients were able to make decisions that they did not second-guess or regret later, thanks to becoming emotionally sober through our coaching before engaging in the legal process.
The core of the methodology I created around the Holistic Divorce proves that the advance of new approaches reducing conflict and need for litigation are the basis for a passage that completely transforms you into a better version of yourself. Gone are the days when divorce will invariably destroy your financial, emotional, and even social standing. The managing of emotions and the skills you can learn, if you choose to have a Holistic Divorce, contain the seeds for healing not just your current relationship but even previous traumas caused by interpersonal arrangements that you did not understand.
We used to be ashamed of wanting to leave, but now we are shamed for staying out of fear. I believe it is a step in the right direction to no longer receive recognition for staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the children or because “it is not so bad.” Wanting great, not just good, refusing to settle, and aiming higher are, in my opinion, all the reasons needed to pursue a future that truly aligns with you. When we remove the classic excuses to leave — the children will be traumatized, I will never find love again, I’m too (fill in the blank) to pull this off — all that is left are the emotions of divorce blocking our exit. Understanding those emotions and how to manage them so they do not spin the process out of control is what I have dedicated my work to.
The legalities of each situation are pretty straightforward once you remove the emotional drivers. For example, no matter how upset you are about your spouse’s infidelity, you have to know that child support and alimony payments will be determined according to established calculations that do not factor in your ideas of right and wrong. It’s better to handle those valid emotions in a setting outside of the legal system. Guidelines also differ from state to state and must be directly correlated to your particular arrangements analyzed on a one-on-one basis by your divorce coach and lawyer. Most of my clients end up saving thousands of dollars in legal fees because they only contact their attorney to handle the legal matters of the process instead of using them as a therapist, coach, or friend onto whom they unload their emotional burdens.
Divorce sometimes resembles getting blackout drunk, being handed the keys to your car, and being told to get yourself home. We either get in the car and have hope as our only strategy to make it there safe, or we hand the keys to someone else (usually a lawyer, friend, or relative) and trust them completely. My approach is different: as a Holistic Divorce Coach, I will sit with you by the side of the road while you purge everything that is toxic and help you sip water until you sober up. Once the poison has left your body, you can choose either yourself or someone else to drive home, knowing you will not get lost or taken advantage of on your way there. Divorce can be a treacherous transition or a beautiful rite of passage that teaches you lessons that will serve you for the rest of your life. You get to choose which path you take.
For more advice on navigating through a divorce, you can find The Holistic Divorce on Amazon.
Olga Nadal is the founder of Divorce for Love and CEO of The Holistic Divorce Institute. Despite feeling lost and grief-ridden during her own divorce process, she managed to achieve an enviable low-conflict divorce — one that allowed her to thrive in the next chapter of her life.
Wanting to save others the pain she went through, Olga used her experience to create the divorce coaching methodology that has helped her many clients achieve the same level of success. Now, she shares that process in The Holistic Divorce, expanding her mission to take the chaos and loneliness out of divorce and transform it into a catalyst for personal growth.
Connect with her online at www.olganadal.com or on Instagram @divorceforlove.
