Parenting from Love Instead of Fear
The following is adapted from No Parent Left Behind by Dr. Candice Feinberg.
As a clinical psychologist with over ten years in private practice and running treatment programs for teens with mental health issues, I’ve seen every unhealthy behavior you can imagine (and a few you can’t). I’ve also seen families change and heal in radical ways. I’m not exaggerating when I say that 100 percent of my clients report improvement in their relationship with their kids. But this doesn’t happen by accident. Success depends on parents committing to make the changes that are asked of them and discovering how to connect with their kids.
Connection is truly the missing key in parenting today. It’s also a word that gets tossed around a lot, and it’s often taken to mean a feeling or emotional state. However, connection is not so much a feeling as a skill you have to learn and practice. It requires removing barriers of fear between your kid and you. Connection is about listening to your kid, allowing them to learn and grow independently, with the goal of launching them into the world.
Fear-based parenting, which, again, prioritizes ensuring your kid follows a “script” over helping them find their own way, values control over connection. When I help parents really dig deep into why they parent from fear, they often discover that it arises out of a reluctance to have their kids not need them as much as they used to.
As kids get older, they naturally start to pull away from their parents. This is a part of forming their own identity, figuring out where they fit in the world. While parental influence will always be a huge part of that, peer influence starts to play a bigger role. Kids start considering ideas they didn’t learn at home: becoming vegan, joining the Peace Corps, getting a tattoo.
Even if yours is the closest, happiest family in the world, by a certain time, your kid is going to need some space from you. They’re also going to try to engage you in arguments and ruffle your feathers with the things they do and say. This is all part of their growth process. They are learning to make decisions for themselves, question authority, and reason in the abstract. Naturally, they are going to try out these new skills on you — their parent.
When you’re parenting out of fear, you miss out on opportunities to gain insight into what’s really happening with your kid. Reacting to their behavior by trying to regain control to prevent what you see as catastrophe coming down the road ends up causing conflict and alienation. This is true even when you try not to show your fear, outrage, or disappointment. Kids are incredibly good at picking up any signal of disapproval from their parents. I’ve heard parents insist, “I never said anything to them about X,” and I’ve responded, “You probably didn’t have to.” Even if you and your kid have never had a talk about marijuana, college, or same-sex relationships, they know exactly how you feel about those issues and whether they can expect you to listen to them and try to understand if their ideas differ from yours.
Bottom line: connection always stops when fear takes over.
When parents come to the treatment program I run, they’re typically asking me and my team to help their kids. But what we end up giving them is an approach to helping themselves. If you’ve remained focused on “fixing” your kid, ask yourself: Is this working? If the answer is no, that means you have to work on you.
Changing a fear-based parenting approach doesn’t happen overnight. When parents come to us, they learn how to take a hard look at their own behavior and address their weaknesses, both in parenting and in personal coping skills. They learn to develop the strength they need to resist their children’s methods of emotional manipulation and fighting back, and they learn the importance of maintaining a unified front so that there isn’t a weak link in the family system their children can exploit to turn them against each other. Parents also learn about what’s appropriate behavior to expect from their children at certain ages and how to avoid imposing their values on them. Most importantly, parents learn how to reestablish connection with their children through listening and understanding.
There Is Hope — I Promise
If you’re in a place where your kid is struggling, you’ve tried everything, and everything is only getting worse, I promise there is hope for both of you.
Adolescence is a period every kid has to go through. It’s rough, exhausting, and confusing, but ultimately, the majority of kids come out of it just fine. As a parent, it’s important to remember that while you can prevent a lot of unnecessary turmoil by getting them help when they need it and by changing some aspects of your parenting, ultimately, your kid will find their way. As my dad always used to say, “You turned out all right in spite of me.”
It’s also important to remember that you did not cause your child’s behavioral issues by making some major parenting mistake. Whatever your kid has gone through, and whatever you feel you did “wrong” and now regret, you’re not the only one who has ended up where you are. Plenty of other parents have made the same mistakes and their kids don’t have the same issues. Actually, plenty of parents have done much worse and their kids are doing just fine. The reality is, each of us is responsible for how we respond to even the most unfortunate events of our lives. And that includes your kid.
This is the kind of thing that most therapists would never say to their clients out of a fear of offending or angering them. I’ve experienced clients reacting with anger, shock, and displeasure at the things I’ve told them. But I’ve remained committed to being honest and doing all I can to help because I know that it’s the only way my clients are going to get better.
It’s Not Too Late to Have the Love You Want
Parenting begins with an incredible feeling of connection. That new baby fits perfectly in your arms, smells good, and looks up at you with utter trust and dependence. Your child wants to be with you all the time, and your whole life revolves around taking care of all their needs. While you may have moments of anxiety or doubt, you know that you’d do anything it takes to keep your child safe, healthy, and happy.
I want you to know that you can get back to that place. Your kids don’t need you in the same way they used to, but they do still need to feel connected to you. This book will give you the tools you need to connect with your kids where they are now, to stop the insanity, and to restore your child’s chances for a bright future. Your kid’s life may not turn out the way you had imagined when you wrote the “script” for it, but you can get back to the place where you can parent out of love and enjoy a relationship with them. They’re going to be happy again, and you are, too.
Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.
You can learn more about parenting teens in No Parent Left Behind on Amazon.
Dr. Candice Till-Feinberg is a licensed clinical psychologist and a highly respected authority on mental health for adolescents, well known for her direct communication style and outside-the-box approach to treatment. Since 2007, she has guided hundreds of teens and their families through the stages of recovery. Dr. Feinberg has spoken at conferences across the country, has appeared on national television, and has had articles published in Psychology Today. She has spoken internationally on parenting and is a member of Young Presidents Organization, YPO. She is currently the CEO of ROWI, Teen & Parent Wellness Centers, in Thousand Oaks, Calabasas, and Encino California.
