Redefining Trauma So We Can Heal
The following is adapted from Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Valerie Rein.
Over the years of my work as a therapist and in social conversations, I’ve been hearing women express the feeling of being stuck, imprisoned. Women talked about wanting more — more intimacy in their relationship, more impact of their work in the world, more fulfillment in life, feeling more comfortable in their skin, more peace and happiness. They expressed frustration, feeling like as they try to reach for this more, they are running into an invisible inner wall.
These women did not just spend their lives daydreaming. For years, they worked hard on doing everything our culture told us we’ve got to do to earn our happiness and fulfillment. Be a good girl. Do well in school. Work hard on your career. Get married. Buy a house. Raise children. Own nice things. Take vacations.
And when checking off these milestones on the map did not take them to the promised land, they looked within. They read self-help books, attended personal growth workshops, seminars, and retreats, tried yoga and meditation, as well as therapy and medication. And still they were not where they wanted to be.
Before my stroke scare, like all of my clients and other high-achieving women I knew, I was rocking the prison life. From the outside looking in, I had it all: a thriving private psychology practice in New York and a global coaching and consulting business. Two graduate degrees in Psychology (yes, I was that troubled) — a master’s from Columbia University and a PhD from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. I had a prestigious job at a major university and taught in a master’s in counseling program. I married a good man, had a wonderful daughter, and bought a nice house in a suburb of New York City.
The ER episode pierced through the nice facade of “having it all.” I was confronted by the fact that I did not feel as happy and fulfilled as I looked on paper. I finally began to catch the glimpse of my invisible inner prison. When one half of my body fell silent, I finally began to listen to the parts of myself that I had been too afraid to hear from before.
I began wondering: how come my clients were making these big shifts in their lives? They were transforming their careers, businesses, health, and relationships. From being at the mercy of anxiety, anger, and addictions — to joy, peace, and contentment as their new normal. While I still felt stuck. What was I doing for them that I was not doing for myself?
And then it dawned on me. With all of my clients, I was using mind-body tools for trauma healing. Even with those who did not think they had any unresolved trauma. Inevitably, when we took a closer look under the hood of what was driving anxiety, depression, feeling lonely in her marriage or trouble meeting a partner and creating a fulfilling relationship, difficulty with arousal and orgasms, unwanted weight gain or loss, self-soothing with food or alcohol and other addictive behaviors — we found trauma.
The reason I was not doing it for myself was…I did not think I had any trauma.
Ironic, I know. But you can probably relate to my confusion. In fact, you may be thinking that you don’t have any trauma.
The reason is that the conventional definition of trauma ties it to witnessing or experiencing a life-threatening event. It makes us think of combat, rape, and domestic violence. But why then did all these people who’ve never experienced or witnessed a life-threatening event have symptoms of trauma and respond so well to mind-body tools for healing it?
Because they’re human, like you and me. My experience of being human and helping humans heal has clearly shown me that all humans have trauma.
Others before me have recognized that most kinds of trauma, in fact, do not fit into the narrow conventional definition. Trauma-healing practitioners distinguish between the capital T and the lowercase t kinds of trauma. Among the latter are adverse childhood experiences and many other events humans commonly go through that often result in lasting traumatic effects.
My personal and professional journey has led me to broaden the definition of the lowercase t trauma even more. I define trauma this way:
Trauma is any experience that made you feel unsafe in your fullest authentic expression and led to developing trauma adaptations to keep you safe.
This includes any event that caused you to dim your light, any situation that made you withdraw from being fully yourself. This circumstance might have come in the form of an insult, a glare, an offhand comment that you’re too big for your britches, or unwanted sexual attention. If thinking of it now makes you shrink a little inside, it’s probably trauma.
Trauma adaptations are protective mechanisms that are created in response to trauma. They’re meant to keep us safe, and they do so by keeping us in an invisible inner prison. The prison walls are made of the traumatic experiences, and trauma adaptations act like prison guards. They operate in our minds, bodies, and actions — creating thoughts, physical challenges, and self-sabotaging behaviors that block us from moving forward and experiencing what we truly desire.
To learn more about finding healing through redefining trauma, you can find Patriarchy Stress Disorder on Amazon.
Dr. Valerie Rein is a psychologist, women’s mental health expert, and business consultant, helping people achieve the best ROI by achieving the best mental health — without therapy. Dr. Rein specializes in uncovering the hidden traumas that hold hostage people’s best work, relationships, and well-being, and effectively heal them with a powerful mind-body methodology. She holds an EdM in Psychological Counseling from Columbia University and a PhD from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. Dr. Rein is a sought-after speaker at conferences and companies committed to diversity and inclusion, leadership development, and unlocking people’s potential.
