Should I Stay or Should I Go — Helping Military Leaders Transition
The following is adapted from Beyond the Military by Jason Roncoroni and Shauna Springer Ph.D.
This is perhaps the most frequently asked question at every juncture of the military journey. When you finished your initial service obligation, you asked yourself this question. When you received your most recent assignment orders, you probably asked this question. Each time the military wanted to uproot your family or send you on another deployment, you asked this question. The fact that you’re reading this is probably a good indicator that you’re asking yourself this question now. How do you know when the time is right to remove your body armor, unlace your boots, and remove the uniform that shaped your identity for most, if not all, of your adult life?
The first time that I left the army, I did so for all the wrong reasons. First, I worked for some toxic leaders. I assumed that what I had experienced in those first few years of service was the only possible outcome for every subsequent assignment of my career. Second, I thought that leaving the army would magically solve any and all problems in my personal life. Third, I did it for the money. Recruiters love hiring junior officers, and on the surface, my first job offer was for a lot more money than what I was making as a young captain in the army. I transitioned from the military for the wrong reasons, and as you might expect, my life didn’t unfold in the ways I had hoped.
So, what are some of the right reasons for leaving the military? From my mistakes and the many conversations I’ve had with veterans across the country, I’ve discovered three signs that tell you when it’s time to hang up the uniform. The first reason has to do with your health. The second concerns intentions: the distinction between what you want and what you think you might need. The last consideration is about your level of attachment to the uniform and your perceived sense of self-worth. Ultimately, these three reasons are related to your potential for continued growth over the course of your life.
Reason 1: Continued Service Compromises Your Health and Wellness
This sounds obvious, but I’m not talking about the usual suspects for health and wellness. Naturally, if you can no longer perform your duty because of an injury, combat action, or other significant change to your health, the military already has protocols to remove you from the line of duty. Since the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq began, we’ve developed more aggressive interventions to identify cases of traumatic brain injury (TBI), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other issues related to a service member’s state of emotional and mental wellness. Unfortunately, the cycle of deployments has created a revolving door between varying states of peace and war with unknown consequences to the long-term wellness of our military and veteran populations.
The hard truth is that we still don’t know the enduring health implications of post-9/11 military service. The few studies that do exist suggest that the likelihood of succumbing to PTSD is three times more likely after the second deployment. Unfortunately, we have men and women who have served in combat for as many as five or more deployments. Like it or not, this is the way of the future. We don’t have a standard to recognize the limits of human endurance when it comes to combat deployments. We don’t know when enough is enough. By default, we are learning as we go. It may be some time before we have proven treatment strategies for some of the more salient health conditions from repeated combat deployments.
The military may not recognize how many deployments are too many — but perhaps you might. Have the courage to be honest with yourself. The signs may be subtle, but both you and your family will notice the changes. You might feel detached from your partner. You might have chronic sleep issues. If you’ve already served on multiple combat deployments, you have to consider the impact of yet another deployment on the mental and emotional wellness of you and your family. This isn’t a character issue. It is not a function of personal bravado. It is a matter of your physiology and psychology. Your health and wellness are the most important factors in the decision to leave the military, so have the courage to make the right choice before exceeding your limits.
Reason 2: The Things You Need Replace the Things You Want
When I was a lieutenant, I wanted to be a company commander. After company command, I was looking forward to battalion command. These positions were guideposts along my career, but I wasn’t focused on any specific role, position, or job title. I truly believed in the work that I was doing. I was excited to serve. I didn’t mind putting in the extra hours or weekend time because I felt like I was making a difference. My intentions were growth related and based on my aspirations for personal achievement and organizational impact.
I was mindful not to overstay my welcome in the military. I didn’t want to be that proverbial oxygen thief stuffed away in a corner office on a division-level staff. Sure, I would have been serving the institution that I loved, but honestly, I would have only been doing it for the paycheck, to pad my retirement pay, or to avoid my transition from the military. I would have been doing it for selfish reasons and not for the men and women with whom I served. When you focus on yourself, you behave contrary to the military values of selfless service and integrity. You start politicking assignment managers for easier jobs. You look for ways to get out of the tough assignments. It’s hard to authentically serve others when you are too worried about serving yourself. I didn’t want to be that guy. When I was no longer willing to run headstrong into the fray, I knew it was time for me to leave.
Scarcity and the inherent fear of transition encourage us to stay for the guaranteed paycheck and the incremental increase to our retirement pay. We compromise our future potential for a false sense of security today. The price you pay for that fear is the lost opportunity of doing something else that you might enjoy even more. The time spent getting another percentage point in retirement could be spent building an even better life after the military. Again, be honest with yourself. If you look at your career in terms of time-based benchmarks (needs) and not future opportunities (wants), maybe it is time to leave. The moment you feel like you can’t walk away from the military might be the very moment that you should.
Reason 3: You Can’t See Yourself in Something Other than a Military Uniform
The uniform is a responsibility, not a security blanket. Military leaders with more than ten years of service have had their formative years of adulthood shaped by the military culture. In his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about the neurological pathways that are formed and reinforced through years of conditioning that results in a fully developed framework of behavior by the time we reach the age of thirty-five. Through years or even decades of military service, we become attached to the uniform, but sometimes that attachment metastasizes into an unhealthy condition at the expense of our personal identity.
When you allow the uniform to define your state of being, you lose your sense of self and all of the compassion that goes with it. Your personal identity becomes an abstraction of the uniform. It infects every aspect of your life including your role as a spouse, parent, sibling, neighbor, and friend. You harden into the arbiter of standards who becomes increasingly disconnected from the very people you are charged to lead. You compel compliance based on rank and title, but fail to truly connect and inspire the men and women in your formation (or in your family). In short, you become the toxic leader. People avoid you because they believe you don’t care, and truthfully, you don’t. You focus so intently on the mission that you lose sight of the men and women who volunteered to stand alongside you to accomplish it.
With each passing year, you grow more distant from the people in your life. The more you “attach” to the abstract military identity, the less you feel “attached” to your family. The inevitable withdrawal you will suffer upon separation or retirement becomes cataclysmic. If you struggled to connect with men and women while wearing the uniform, imagine how much more difficult it will be to connect with men and women who never wore the uniform. The excavation necessary to rediscover your sense of purpose and personal set of values becomes a massive undertaking. Remember, the uniform doesn’t make you great. You make the uniform great. When you fail to see that distinction, you may want to consider removing the source of that unhealthy attachment.
You can learn more about helping military leaders transition in Beyond the Military by Jason Roncoroni and Shauna Springer Ph.D on Amazon.
JASON RONCORONI is a retired Lieutenant Colonel and former aviation battalion commander from the United States Army. He served 33 months in combat and has the unique distinction of having transitioned from the military twice. He departed as a junior captain only to return to the military after 9/11, and he most recently retired after 21 years of active duty service. He advises military leaders, policy makers, and government officials on military transition and civilian reintegration. The founder of Ordinary Hero Coaching, Inc., Jason helps prepare transitioning leaders for meaningful opportunities after military service.
DR. SHAUNA SPRINGER is a licensed psychologist and nationally recognized expert on initiatives that benefit the military community. Known as “Doc Springer,” she is a trusted advisor for a vast network of veterans, military families, and fellow thought leaders. Her uniquely perceptive insights have helped thousands of veterans and their partners thrive after military service and she has personally helped hundreds of warriors reconnect with their tribe, strengthen their relationships, and build lives driven by their values. Dr. Springer’s work has been featured on NPR, NBC, CBS Radio, Military Times and Marine Corps Times.
