The 3 Counterfeit Needs That Contribute to Poor Decision-Making
The following is adapted from Choose Better by Timothy Yen.
All people have needs. There are legitimate needs that must be fulfilled for our life’s work, and then there are counterfeit “needs” that cause more harm than good.
Counterfeit needs contribute to poor decision-making. I learned of these “needs” in a leadership development training by Klemmer and Associates, and they really changed my perspective.
Now, I am sharing them with you. According to Brian Klemmer, there are three major psychological needs that get people in trouble:
#1: The Need to Be Right
This is that strong, nagging pull in your gut that urges you to spew that verbal comeback. It is the need to persuade or prove to another person that you are right and they are wrong. It is unhealthy pride. Sometimes, it is not good enough for you to know that you are right. You want other people to acknowledge you are right. This is at the heart of most arguments and fights.
“I am right and this is the only way to see it.” The need to be right has caused ruptures in friendships, initiated divorces, and even started world wars. Have you ever fought with a spouse or friend, chosen not to speak to each other for days, and later forgot the reason for the fight?
It is our innate craving for our version of justice at the cost of the relationship.
#2: The Need to Look Good
Sure, you can call it vanity but this is a different expression of unhealthy pride. Some people fear public speaking more than death. Why? They do not want to look stupid.
There is such a fear of social disapproval and rejection that people make all sorts of inauthentic choices to appear acceptable. Social media is full of these cases. People post pictures they want other people to see to brand themselves in a favorable way, even to the point where the picture is clearly photoshopped and fake!
The need to look good keeps people from being real and is seen in a life-giving way. Timothy Keller wrote, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us” (Keller, 2016).
We all want to be seen and loved for who we are, but we are too deathly afraid that people will reject us if they really knew us. That is what keeps people from showing up and causes them to feel invisible most of their lives.
#3: The Cycle of the Three R’s
The three Rs are: Resentment, Resistance, Revenge. We enter this destructive cycle whenever people offend us. It comes from a legitimate need for justice, but it is expressed in an unhealthy way. For example, an employee gets humiliated by his manager at a meeting. He is pissed off but does not want to speak up because he will lose his job. Subconsciously, he begins to disengage from his work and creates emotional distance.
He finds ways to avoid the manager, and he looks away whenever they run into each other. His resentment builds up over time, and he cannot help but notice all the reasons his manager is a bad person. One day, he notices his boss being robbed in a nearby alleyway. Instead of calling the police, he turns the other way because he thinks, “My boss is finally getting what he deserves.” When he learns that his boss got seriously injured, he is filled with guilt and wonders how he turned into such a callous person. In the name of conscious or unconscious justice, people’s lives get reorganized into the three R’s and they become driven by negativity.
Sound Familiar?
Now that you’ve been introduced to counterfeit needs, you’ll be in a better position to recognize them when and if you feel them. It’s only through awareness that you can make better, more positive decisions.
For more advice on making better decisions you can find Choose Better on Amazon.
Timothy Yen is a clinical psychologist with a doctorate from Azusa Pacific University, practicing in the East Bay area and leading conferences and retreats around the globe. Between his years in private practice and another eight years as a Mental Health Staff Sergeant in the US Army, he’s empowered hundreds of individuals, families, organizations, and teams to develop authentic relationships and grow into their best selves. He currently resides in Northern California with his wife and son.
