The Greatest Gift My Grandmother Ever Gave Me
The following is adapted from Blooming by Carrington Smith.
From an early age, I was constantly compared to my sister, Tiffany. I was told by my parents that Tiffany was better at ice skating, tennis, writing, and singing.
Around age eight, I asked my father, “Am I pretty?” He scrunched up his face and spent a moment examining me more carefully. He replied, “No. I don’t want to give you false expectations or have you disappointed in life.” He reflected further, “But your sister? Now, she is beautiful.”
These words were soul crushing. I felt my self-esteem dissolve and evaporate. My father had told me “the truth” that I was not pretty — in order to “protect” me. He also used the comparison to my sister to set the standard for what beauty is. I was told that I could not be myself and be beautiful. I must strive to be more like her and abandon my uniqueness.
My sophomore year in college, our family went to St. Louis to spend Christmas with my paternal grandmother (Bahma), my father’s sister, her husband, and our cousins. My cousin, Michael, was a member of a fraternity at Washington University and he took my sister and me to visit his frat house, along with his friend Alex. After a few beers, it became obvious that one of his frat brothers was totally enamored with my sister.
As I watched her getting all of the attention, I found a couch to escape to. I pulled my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, trying to make myself small, wishing I could disappear. Alex came over to comfort me. “I don’t know how you do it. What is it like having a sister who is so beautiful? That must be so hard for you.” I felt myself wither. I wanted to die.
After Christmas dinner, my grandmother took me aside. She was very observant and saw that I was depressed and really struggling. She handed me a small box. Inside the box was a charm. It was a mustard seed encased in glass.
She said, “Carrie, you need to stop living in your sister’s shadow. You need to follow your own path. Pursue your own interests.” Taking the mustard seed out of the box, she placed it in my hand and rested her hand over mine. She looked me directly in the eyes and said, “Life is like a mustard seed. Have faith in yourself and you will grow into a strong tree and bear much fruit. But in order to grow, you need to plant yourself away from your sister’s shadow.”
This was the greatest gift that my grandmother ever gave me. The tiny mustard seed charm, my most cherished gift. I had spent my entire life trying to be someone else. Her faith in me that I could chart my own course and grow into a vibrant being saved me and gave me the courage to begin to forge my own path.
My grandmother’s words stayed with me, and over the years, I consciously chose to pursue interests and opportunities that were different from my sister’s. I spent time discovering who I was and what I enjoyed instead of just doing the things that she did.
I began to build self-esteem based on achievements that could not be compared to anything she was doing. (I went to law school. She went to business school.). Through these efforts, I reached the conclusion that one of us wasn’t better than the other one. We are two unique individuals who both are beautiful, but for different reasons.
Twenty years after my grandmother gave me the mustard seed, I was with a girlfriend who was a former Miss Austin. We were having coffee with a local CEO. When she left the table to use the restroom, he said to me, “What is it like hanging out with her? She’s so beautiful. It must be hard for you, her getting all of the attention all of the time.”
His words ripped the scab off an old wound. Really? Again? WTF?!
I looked him in the eyes and replied, “Wow, what’s it like putting your foot in your mouth all of the time? Saying thoughtless things must get you into a lot of trouble. And, by the way, I hold my own just fine. There are plenty of people who find me beautiful.”
I watched him realize his idiocy. As he turned beet red and began to sputter apologies, I excused myself and took my coffee outside. Sitting outside on a bench, I took some deep breaths. His words hurt, but after years of hard work, I knew my value. My tree was growing stronger.
For more advice on how you can discover your own innate worth and beauty, you can find Blooming on Amazon.
Carrington Smith is a single mom, attorney, business owner, and executive search professional. Despite being born with a silver spoon in her mouth, life gave her a hard kick in the tail. She has survived sexual assault, two divorces, piles of debt, abuse, religious mind games, the death of loved ones, and the loss of close friends. In her debut memoir, Carrington combines wit and wisdom to share her journey through the shit, with a positive attitude and a shift of mindset, into a life bursting with joy, opportunity, and purpose. A graduate of UT Austin and Tulane Law School, Carrington resides in Austin, Texas, with her two teenage boys.
