What Do Fairy Tales Have To Do With Love?

The following is adapted from Meditate to Date by Pattie Martello.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. Don’t get me wrong — I am not delusional. I have never believed for a minute that a handsome prince was going to ride in on his white horse and take me away to his castle. But I’ll admit that when I was watching Sex and the City and I heard Carrie Bradshaw say to her Russian boyfriend in the last episode, “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, ‘can’t live without each other’ love,” I couldn’t help but say out loud, “Yes! That’s it! That’s exactly what I want!”

If we are going to be completely honest with ourselves, isn’t this what most women want? So, I take back what I said earlier. Maybe I am just a tiny bit delusional — no white horse or prince, but perhaps looking for a modern-day version of a fairy tale. It’s easy to understand where these misconceptions come from — the fairy tales in which the prince saves the princess with a kiss; the romantic comedies that end with the man passionately kissing the woman in the pouring rain after he realizes that she is the best thing that ever happened to him; and Disney movies in which the princess transforms into an ogre to live happily ever after with her ogre soul mate.

Although quite entertaining and often heart-warming, the delusions created by these stories can be very harmful when searching for love because our desire for finding “the one” may compel us to do the following:

• Set unrealistic expectations for what a relationship should look like
• Settle for less by disregarding the “must-have” qualities that we need from a partner
• Make compromises we wouldn’t normally make
• Alter our authentic selves to please others
• Ignore red flags that provide useful warnings

To confuse matters more, we are bombarded with messages in books, magazines, videos, and on the internet that tell us how to get a man and make him fall in love with us in five easy steps or by whispering a magical catchphrase in his ear; what to do if he starts pulling away; and how to get him to propose marriage. Some of this information seems honest, enlightening, and useful, while some sources propose techniques that border on pure manipulation and dishonesty.

I’ll allow you to be the judge of that, but regardless of what you read or hear, dating should be a fun, enriching learning experience; not blindly feeling your way down a dark, dead-end corridor, sweating in anticipation of what’s going to jump out and scare you at any moment.

Fairytale delusions, misconceptions, and floods of mixed messages — it all seems to be a bit overwhelming. Why? Because most of what we learn about love borders on insanity. Picking petals off of a flower, “he loves me, he loves me not,” to know if someone loves us. Staring at the phone trying to will him to text or call. Asking our friends 100 times if they think he’ll call. Analyzing every conversation or action to find hidden meanings about what he’s thinking or feeling. Wondering if he’ll hurt us someday or worrying that the relationship won’t last forever.

So, how do you stop the insanity? If you are dating and not having luck, recovering from a break-up, in a bad relationship, or avoiding dating and relationships altogether out of fear of rejection or getting hurt again, it’s time to hit the pause button and regroup. Regrouping gives you the opportunity to admit that what you are doing isn’t work- ing and that something needs to change. Admission is not enough. You need to take it a step further by committing to change — going beyond lip service and taking action. But, before taking your first step, you need to start where you are — not where you were in the past or where you hope to be in the future.

For more dating advice, you can find Meditate to Date on Amazon.

Pattie Martello is a personal transformation expert, freelance writer, IT consultant, and organizational change manager. She has led change management initiatives in large federal agencies and Big 4 consulting firms, helping to transform organizations of all sizes in industries such as healthcare, information technology, and manufacturing. As a workshop facilitator, Pattie uses tools such as meditation, journaling, and self-examination to help women increase their self-awareness and find the love they’ve been searching for. Pattie is an advocate for PAL, her approach to dating that encourages women to Pause, Awaken, and Launch before they continue their journeys. For more information, visit pattiemartello.com.