When is Enough, Enough?
The following is adapted from Tidy Up or Simplify, by Brita Long.
You thought you were going to be happy when you bought that handbag. You just knew you were going to feel secure when you owned “enough” clothes or had $X in the bank. That feeling of not being good enough was going to go away when you finally purchased that new high-end luxury car. You were really, finally, going to be happy and secure when you moved into that big house, with the stone countertops and custom closets. You imagined you were going to be happy when you could afford that trip to Europe. If you just worked hard enough to make that extra whatever per year so that you could buy whatever — then, then you would be happy and content. You would have gotten there. You would have made it. You also would have shown the world that you amounted to someone; you were smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, popular enough, and worth enough.
Instead, year after year passes. We pursue income increase after income increase. We buy handbag after handbag, car after car, book after book, trip after trip, and house after house.
After Everything Is Said and Done, What Horrible Discovery Do We Make?
We realize that after the initial, far too short, high of possessing the thing, we just went back to being us. We return to feeling like the same person we were before we got the thing. That isn’t a comfortable feeling, and we don’t like it. So, what do we do? We almost immediately trick ourselves into moving onto the next thing. That will be the thing. We do this day after day, year after year, and most of us do it until we die.
For some of us, it is small, relatively inexpensive stuff such as books, kitchen gadgets, or clothing. In some cases, the less one has to pay for the item, the easier it is to justify having it. On the other end of the scale are people who collect real estate, companies, sports teams, or people in the form of employees or groupies/followers. Regardless of the price of the thing one is seeking, the thought process is the same and I would contend the feelings are the same. Whether you continually think the next car, home, or pair of shoes is going to make the difference in your life, the feelings of never having enough are all the same. The motivations are the same. We are all searching to feel accepted, valued, and, dare I say it, loved. We have been taught, and it is reinforced 10,000 times a day, that in order to get that feeling, in order to be successful, we need to own or possess X. And that X changes depending on what is being sold to us on that particular day. We generally know it’s bullshit, but we keep buying into it time after time without any real regard to the consequences.
Maybe you don’t have an issue with the volume of possessions you have, but you have things that don’t fit you. Literally and figuratively. You have things that just aren’t you. And you continue to buy things that aren’t really you. When you have possessions that aren’t you or that you don’t even really like, you know you shouldn’t have them in your life.
Deep down in the recesses of your heart, you know having too much stuff isn’t good for you, regardless of what those items are. You know keeping items you don’t even really like or use isn’t good. Maybe you haven’t really thought about the ways the cycle of having too much stuff has really hurt your life, but you know things could be simpler. You may have shame about how much stuff you really have, that you can’t keep that closet or room organized, or you have financial stress yet have a ton of crap. You know when you wear that outfit that isn’t you, it makes you uncomfortable. You know every time you sit in that chair, regardless of how pretty it might be, it isn’t even comfortable. Maybe you are highly educated and smart, yet you can’t seem to get control of this one area of your life. At the very least, you know that continually buying stuff shouldn’t be a pastime or hobby. You know having fifty cookie cutters is a bit much — right? You know if you died suddenly, someone else would be left with a huge mess to clean up.
The Issue Isn’t Having Things
The issue is being overly attached to things, and having your self-worth attached to things — especially things that aren’t serving you.
If something isn’t right with your life, things aren’t working the way you want them to work, or you are not happy and you aren’t sure what the problem is, I would suggest starting with simplifying your life and specifically simplifying your stuff. Why? Because deep down, we all yearn for simplicity. We yearn to have our world and our stuff fit us. We want our things to reflect who we are, what we love, and what we value — and have them work for us. What could be simpler than that?
Our gut, instinct, soul, or whatever else you want to call it, knows that we do better with simple. We are happier with simple. We are less depressed, anxious, and taxed with simple. You may not understand right now why you were drawn to this book, but my guess is that deep down you too are yearning for a simpler way of living.
Specifically, in this culture, we are constantly told we need the next shiny ball that will make us happy when we possess it. We will only be a good person, a good wife, a good father, successful, sexy, or happy when we own it. Unfortunately, we believe the message. I continued chasing the shiny ball for decades until I was so unhappy and frustrated that I knew something had to change — and not by a little bit.
Only when I finally accepted that the problem didn’t have anything to do with organizing the stuff or the stuff itself, but me — and only me — did things begin to change in my life. Only then did I break free from wanting anything that didn’t serve me or wasn’t truly me.
Who the hell am I to be teaching you about simplification and what you should or shouldn’t own? I am an attorney, a mother, a businesswoman, an author, a retired amateur trapeze artist, a speaker, and a mentor. I have wing-walked over the Salish Sea and have a ton of moxie and courage. I have practiced law for more than two decades and have seen behind the curtain into countless people’s lives and their relationships with stuff.
None of that is why you should listen to me. You should listen to me because I have been in the same place you are, more than once, and I found the way out. It isn’t the easy way or the fast way, but it is the way I found to get to the root of the stuff issue. It is the way to rid yourself, once and for all, of any desire to have anything in your life that doesn’t serve you. To get rid of any desire for excess. To only have the best in your life and to create a life that fits you.
Start With The Inner Work
Other methods only dealt with getting rid of stuff — not why you had it in the first place. My method is starting with inner work and one’s ego before we begin to sort through any stuff.
Just like everything else in life, there is no simple, quick, and easy fix to a complex problem. And you have most likely already tried some of the other quick and easy solutions to fixing your stuff problem and found that after a short time they didn’t work. Why? Because…it was never really about the stuff.
My method to simplify requires you to do some difficult inner examination before you even consider getting rid of your stuff. We are tearing down a weak foundation and completely rebuilding it with healthy beliefs. I need to warn you that this can be difficult work and you may get impatient with the process. When you start thinking, “Man, I wish she would just get to the steps on how to get rid of crap,” that is probably just your ego resisting the work that really needs to be done.
So, you can just tidy up, or you can do the work and completely simplify your life. However, the only way to free yourself from an unhealthy attachment to stuff is to do the hard work.
My hope is to save you from the pain that I had to go through, in order to get to the point of only having what serves you in your life.
My method is NOT about me, or anyone else, telling you how many items of property you should own — how many shirts, books, kitchen items, or anything else you should own or how to organize or fold clothing. Folding clothing nicely is lovely, but I would argue it has nothing to do with simplifying your life. Further, it is not sustainable.
Many people have tried to simplify in the past; maybe you have as well. Just like me, they want a simpler life. They want to get rid of their excess stuff. So, they buy a book, look at a video, hire an organizer, get excited, and immediately start to get rid of stuff. It is a lot of hard work, but they feel wonderful with a less cluttered home. Then, within a few months, new things begin to appear in their home. Just little things at first. The spare room starts to have things on the bed — temporarily. Then, within a year, they are back to having to clear off the kitchen table in order to have a meal or parking on the driveway as they can’t park in the garage again.
My method is about really getting to the root of the issue, not just continuing to cut back leaves only to have them grow back. There are no miracle cures, just honest hard work. In my method, we address the emotional issue first, and then everything falls in line. It is easy to get rid of what doesn’t serve you, once you have addressed your emotions around stuff. But until you address the emotions, you will always be in the cycle of having too much stuff.
So please trust the process and be patient.
If you are ready to get real, do the hard work, and reap the rewards, you can find Tidy Up or Simplify on Amazon.
Brita Long is an attorney, writer, speaker, and life coach. Additionally, she is a mother, daughter, sister, wife, business owner, and amateur trapeze artist who has wing-walked over the Salish Sea and saved two homes from certain death with full renovations.
After writing her first book in 2018 and discovering a passion for writing, speaking, and teaching, Brita decided to wind down her law practice of twenty-two years and pursue writing and teaching full time.
Brita lives in Austin, Texas with her dog, Bear. To learn more about Brita and how she can help you discover your best self, visit britalong.com.
