Why Being Your Authentic Self is Essential to a Happy Life
The following is adapted from Even the Sidewalk Could Tell by Alon Ozery.
To me, “being in the closet” doesn’t resonate as an accurate description of what it felt like to bury my sexuality from everyone, including myself. It didn’t feel as if I was locked in a small space, banging on the door to get out. Instead, denying my sexuality felt as if I was stuck in a huge, dark, and foreboding building, filled with long halls that led to many rooms. Each room contained its own collection of secret desires, shames, and loves. Late at night, my spirit floated around through the hallways like a ghost, peeking into all the rooms and gazing at the locked-in desires and secrets. As morning approached, my spirit buried itself deep down to hibernate in layers of shame.
Since I spent most of my time pretending to be someone else, I didn’t have a North Star to keep me on track. I lived my life according to what I presumed other people thought I should be. I think that I’m quiet and shy by nature, but disconnecting from myself heightened that. I was hiding from myself, hiding from others, hiding from everyone. When you’re hiding, you have to be quiet and remain as close to invisible as possible.
In a recent conversation with one of my childhood friends, I told him that I was thinking of doing a podcast. He went silent for a second or so and then he laughed. “Alon,” he said, “that is the opposite of how you used to be. I can’t remember you talking at all in school. I literally can’t recall you speaking.”
Now that I’ve stopped pretending to live a life that isn’t mine as a person who isn’t me, I don’t care how others think I should behave. Quite the opposite, in fact. I want to be noticed and remembered now that I understand what it means to be in alignment with life and how that alignment impacts almost everything.
I feel a sense of lightness in my body and soul. I can talk with equal ease to complete strangers and those I love without caring what their response will be. Everyday life issues that used to require days and weeks of energy to deal with come and go in much shorter periods now. I’m able to brush off any comments or incidents that might offend me as opposed to allowing them to take root in a fertile ground of guilt and shame and blossom into even more negativity. I live a life that looks the way I want it to, do the things that I want to do, and say what I actually feel. If I’m at a dinner party and want to leave, I simply stand up, thank everyone, and leave. In recent years, I’ve been told that I’m selfish, but it’s been said to me as a compliment and with a sense of envy by others who long to be freer.
Whereas the suburbs once felt as though they were designed with the sole purpose of crushing my soul, since coming out, my negative feelings about them have subsided. I still would never choose to live there because they’re not me, but when I visit my friends who live in the suburbs, it strikes me as a nice, relaxing place to be.
Don’t get me wrong. Of course, life still has its challenges, but now I can deal with them much better and more efficiently.
As a kid, this act of putting on a façade came naturally to me. It’s not like I practiced not being me in front of a mirror. Acting like I was someone else was just something I did, to the point where I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I often found myself unsure about what to say, so most times, I just didn’t say anything at all. And when I did, my words didn’t benefit anyone because they weren’t really mine. They were just shallow thoughts stolen from people around me. I was like a tiny fish among a giant school, moving along with and mimicking the movements of the group.
Being like everyone else gave me a sense of safety. I figured that as long as I didn’t stand out, there wasn’t any risk. People wouldn’t notice me or talk about me, but I could still have a false sense of belonging. That’s what I wanted. We all need to belong to a group. Being part of a greater whole provides us with a sense of safety and familiarity; it gives us a sense of control over our lives. The majority of people achieve this sense of belonging by conforming (although not necessarily to the point I did). Of course, there is also a smaller group of people who define themselves by rebelling. They spend their energy opposing the norm, doing everything they can to look and sound different from others. They are not free either because they are defined by their opposition to the group. Then there are the artists, who channel the message that they need to channel. Many times, this message is stronger than the artists themselves, and suffering is involved. Finally, there is another group of individuals who do not conform to the group and who are colourful and unique, yet at the same time, they still love the group and want to belong. In my opinion, nirvana will occur at the point when all humans live in that way — when they can simultaneously embrace and bring into the world their authentic inner beauty while still accepting and loving others and being accepted and loved in return. I now understand that this desire, this need, was bubbling up inside of me for many, many years.
For more advice on the importance of being yourself, you can find Even the Sidewalk Could Tell on Amazon.
Born in Toronto and raised in Israel, Alon returned permanently to Canada at age twenty-one, earning his undergraduate degree in hospitality management from Ryerson University. He married at age twenty-four and raised three children with his wife.
Alon is the Co-Founder of Ozery Bakery, a commercial bakery that sells natural baked goods across North America. He also co-owns the successful Parallel Brothers, a restaurant and sesame butter brand located in Toronto.
Alon began exploring his inner self in his midthirties. He is still on that journey today.
