An Anxiety Experience
The words are very difficult today it’s probably one of the most frustrating things ever when you want to do something but your body is so afraid of nothing that you can’t do anything.
There isn’t anything to be scared of. I know this. I believe this. But my GABA receptors are all fucked up, so I feel afraid no matter what.
I want — need — something to fix this. Therapy is awesome, but it can’t change your genetics. Herbal remedies are also awesome, but the only ones for anxiety merely increase GABA, they don’t make your GABA receptors work right. So the waiting and whining and all the doctors until maybe they’ll find something pharmaceutical that helps.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt relaxed. My muscles are always tense, even after hours of deep-pressure massage. Even after soaking in a hot tub. And the more I work through the things in therapy, the less I have to distract myself from my body’s tautness.
Sometimes it hurts so much I just want to curl up under my covers and cry. Not just the physical pain from the anxiety, but the emotional pain of not feeling able to do anything.
Laying down hurts. Sitting up hurts. Walking hurts. Breathing hurts. Can I move enough to breathe or will that break me?
It isn’t the same as depression. When I’m depressed, my brain is fuzzy and I feel sad. Making decisions is hard because I don’t care about the outcome: I’ve already given up.
With the anxiety, I feel frustrated and scared but my brain works just fine. It’s easy to decide whether I want tea or coffee. It’s easy to pick what to wear. But moving enough to make tea or coffee, moving enough to change out of my pajamas hurts.
From my free-writing in 2022
