Shopping At The Jew’s
My non-Jewish friends got the best toys because they already knew
I can’t remember a time when Chanukah came after Christmas. I don’t know if that’s even possible. How the Christians got the Gregorian calendar on the day of Jesus’ birth still remains a mystery to me, but who’s gonna argue with 2,017 years of history? It’s not even the point of this story.
Throughout history, Jews have been the guinea pigs of humanity. If someone ever wanted to try something out, he or she would have a Jew handy. The first roller coaster was ridden by Marvin Schultzman. On June 16, 1884 LaMarcus Thompson completed the first roller coaster and convinced Marvin to check it out. There’s no way LaMarcus was getting on that thing. It looked dangerous and his mother wouldn’t let him. His mother’s now famous words were, “Don’t you have a Jewish friend to try that thing?” Thompson dragged over Marvin.
This brings me to my point. Chanukah comes before Christmas so all of your non-Jewish friends can see what the Jews got, and they then knew what to ask their parents for Christmas.
Hungry Hungry Hippos was the worst. I don’t know a Christian kid who had Hungry Hungry Hippos. First of all…you can’t play it alone. Second of all, it had marbles. Within a week, there was only one marble left. And my siblings were so much older than me that I always had to play it alone. I always won!
There was one brief moment when my mother was overwhelmed with a maternal instinct and offered to play the game with me. So, we sat at the kitchen table and played. I don’t know how you picture it in your mind, but to me it’s a Norman Rockwell painting that would make you wanna blow your brains out.
She chipped a nail.
I never saw the game again.
Another wild animal based stupid game was Mouse Trap. I remember the first time playing it with some friends, it was all so exciting. I don’t even remember the point, but we were building something. It was all so labor intensive! Then came the payoff. That was the payoff?! The little plastic cage covers a plastic mouse?
I know. The name of the game should have been a tip-off, but needless to say, none of my non-Jewish friends owned the game, Mouse Trap.
By far, the worst of them all was The Game Of Life. How self-important of a toy company to claim that they have packaged the entire game of life? The game should have been called “Ruin Your Self-Esteem” or “Pathway To Adult Therapy.” Every Jewish kid I knew had The Game Of Life. They all have weekly appointments as adults.
I remember, my friend Denny got a curved hockey stick and a roll of electrical tape to tape up the blade. He got that for Christmas. That was the coolest gift ever.
Happy Chanukah.
