Caught in the Middle
Retirement was not what I envisioned, just more work to do
Where is the freedom of retirement? Since my mom got to the point that she can’t care for herself, I have been stuck in the middle. I care for her eight hours a day, then go home and care for the grandson that my husband and I are raising.
My days are the same. I take care of everyone, it seems. My mother can’t walk, so she has to be transferred to a wheelchair to go to the bathroom and back. I have to give her medications and prepare food, which she rarely eats. She has Alzheimer’s, so she often calls me over to engage in a long conversation. She asks where this or that relative is. Often they are long dead. I struggle to find answers that won’t upset her. She moans and groans because she is in pain. I sympathize, but it is very upsetting and depressing.
After sitting with her for eight hours, I rush to pick up my grandson from school. Then we do homework. I pick up stray items and wash clothes while I am getting dinner done; I sometimes take a break to eat. Then I try to get dishes into the washer and gather things for the next day, do what cleaning I can, and finish washing the clothes. I have learned to ignore all the cleaning and maintenance projects that I don’t have time or energy to do.
Usually, I have a few minutes before my grandson’s bedtime. I try to read him a story or watch a short movie with him, then I shower and fall in bed. After all, I have to be up at 5:30 to start the day.
So, where are the golden years? Travel is out of the question. I can’t go far because Mom may have another emergency and my grandson has school. Spending time with friends? I have few because they are retired and do the things I always thought I would do in retirement.
Create culinary masterpieces? That would be possible if I could find the ingredients, which unfortunately is not so easy these days as the store shelves are getting bare due to complications of the ongoing pandemic. Not only that — I have both a husband and grandson demanding my attention.
There is some solace in imagining how it would be if no one needed me. That would be lonely. It is hard to switch gears between the slow pace of the elderly and the whirlwind that is my grandson. Yet, it keeps things in balance.
Keeping these things in mind helps for now. If I survive this schedule, things will eventually change. Maybe I will still be healthy enough to pursue some hobbies then. Or even just sit on the deck and soak up some sun. What a luxury that would be!
