Good Grief
How creating a place to honor our losses transforms them
As we reach the milestone of 700 thousand people dead of COVID in this country, I’m thinking about the families coping with their pain.
Of the empty places in their beds, at the table, or the other end of the phone.
When someone you love dies, the loss is hard to bear as the sense of unreality and numbness give way to heaviness, pain, sadness, anger maybe, anguish, emptiness — all feelings we don’t particularly like to feel.
The reality is that everyone grieves in their own way, and no one else can tell you how.
So why write this “how to?”
While there is no right way to grieve, some things can help. Researchers have found that those who perform private mourning rituals are more resilient in the face of loss — even simple gestures such as playing a song the dead person loved and crying, or washing a husband’s car once a week as he had done for years. Private everyday rituals, it turns out, help people cope in meaningful ways.
It may seem counter-intuitive, going against our “get over it, don’t dwell on the hard things” culture, but practices that encourage remembering and expressing grief, giving this feeling it's due, can provide solace and healing.
While there are as many rituals as there are people, here are a few common ones you can engage in:
- You can cook your loved one’s favorite meal and invite others to share both the food and the memories.
- You can carry a remembrance item: I wear my dead sisters’ socks, holes and all because it reminds me of their love, and I imagine them laughing while holding my feet.
- You can honor your loved one in creative endeavors, such as art projects, a song or piece of music, or a dance in the deceased one’s memory.
- You can write a letter.
- You can keep a grief journal.
One ritual that I’ve found particularly helpful is creating an altar.
It’s a way to honor not just the person who is gone physically, but your own feelings, and to fill the empty place with reminders of your love and connection. Altars offer a physical symbol of a person’s legacy, a specific area for remembrance and reflection.
An altar doesn’t have to be religious, although it can be. It doesn’t have to be complicated. A shelf or little table is all you need.
Then collect:
- A photo or photos of your loved one.
- Decorate it with flowers or plants — something that reminds you of that person.
- Candles, miniature lights, incense.
- A piece of art or stained glass.
- Chimes or bells.
- Elements from nature: earth,water, rock, sand , leaves, pinecones or shells— especially if those were in some way unique or remind you of time with that person.
- Personal objects that connect you to your loved one, such jewelry, cards or letters, items of clothing, favorite books or something they used, sunglasses, a favorite comb or cup.
- Religious or spiritual objects that speak to you, statues, photos, symbols.
The ritual alter involves participation and creative action, which allows for a sense of control instead of victimhood.
Thinking about and designing a ritual altar takes us on a journey of accepting and integrating loss. It’s also a journey that takes us from personal loss towards whatever is next for the deceased and to the new self we will be without that person. The ritual also allows us to become more fully present with our feelings, which in times of stress we may ignore, often to our detriment.
It’s possible the ritual of creating the altar is enough, or you might want to create a daily check-in by burning a candle, singing a song, or saying a prayer. You may want to refresh the natural objects like flowers, and you may write notes to your beloved and place them in a little box, basket or special container.
You might play music that speaks to you of your loss or of that person. You might observe a few moments of silence, and if you are religious, say a prayer or chant a mantra. You might invite others to remember with you, to light a candle with you, share memories with you.
If you are keeping a grief journal, notice the changes inside you as time passes. If you have a good imagination, you might wonder what is next in that person’s journey.
One particular practice that I like: To mourn who you were with that person.
And in saying goodbye, reflecting on what you learned from their presence in your life, but also what you have learned from their passing. Whether those lessons were hard or easy, appreciating their gifts to you may help you to know that love is never wasted, but lives inside us.
And if it feels right, maybe you can find a way to pass on that gift to others.
