Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?
The friend zone doesn’t have to be a bad place
My mother doesn’t believe men and women can just be friends. This came up one day when she was asking about my friend JB. She was certain that he wouldn’t spend so much time with me unless he were interested in being more than friends.
But she’s wrong. JB and I have been good friends for sixteen years or so. We really are just friends. It’s something we’ve talked about — how his ability to just be friends with a woman makes him a bit of an anomaly among men (among straight men, anyway. This is why gay men make such good friends — you get the benefits of male friendship without the awkwardness of having them try to make it into something more).
JB and I exist very comfortably in each other’s friend zone. His friendship is an absolute treasure because I know that he has no ulterior motives. Quite frankly, I am not his type — and he is not mine. And we are happy to be in each other’s friend zone.
Unfortunately, too many men hate the friend zone. They dread the words “I just want to be friends.” And, all too often, they press to know why.
Recently, a neighbor asked me out — a man I consider a friend. To add an extra layer of awkwardness, he asked me out in front of my sister. To her credit, she held in her laughter. (Although, afterward, she laughed for days).
The conversation went something like this:
Neighbor: “This might seem forward, but we should go on a date some time.”
Me: “No. I don’t date.”
Neighbor: “Well, I just meant I’d like to go out to dinner some time and I need someone to drive.”
Me: “Oh. Okay, I can do that.”
My neighbor, who is considerably older than me, is practically blind. So, yes, he would need someone to drive him to a restaurant — but that was just his way of saving face. Fortunately, he didn’t press the matter. I hate it when men act as if I owe them an explanation. I don’t. No means no, and I shouldn’t have to give a rationale. I didn’t ask to be asked out. And sometimes my reason is that they’re repulsive — but I’m too nice to say so, and so I have to come up with another story, some kind of “it’s not you, it’s me” variation.
And now my relationship with my neighbor will be forever awkward. If I do end up driving him to a restaurant, I’ll worry the whole time that he still thinks he has a chance to be something more than a friend. He’s friendly and neighborly — but I can’t even imagine being attracted to him. It’s not so much his age as his condition. He didn’t age well. Also, I suspect the only thing we have in common is that we live in the same neighborhood. And I’m also pretty sure he’s an alcoholic.
I can’t blame a guy for trying, I suppose. And so long as he accepts my refusal, I can move past the awkwardness. The thing that makes friendship difficult between men and women is when one of them is dissatisfied with just being friends. They either keep flirting or they distance themselves. Of those two options, I prefer distance. Still, it’s always sad when a friendship dies.
What do you think? Can men and women just be friends? Or is such a friendship rare?
