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More Than Meets the Eye: The Fluidity in Knowing Others
Our Prejudices Collapse When We Open Our Minds And Hearts.
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” — Wayne Dyer
We’ve all been there — you take one look at someone and think you have them all figured out. Maybe she seems like a hipster snob, or he looks like a meathead jock. But then you talk to them and realize you were way off base.
This kind of snap judgment happens to all of us, even so-called “experts.”
Once, I was leading a seminar, and a man wearing an expensive suit and a smug expression walked in. I immediately thought: “This guy will be a pretentious know-it-all.” So, right off the bat, I was curt with him, assuming he would try to dominate the conversation.
Boy, was I wrong!
It turned out he was shy and unsure of himself — the suit was to boost his confidence. His input was humble and thoughtful. If I hadn’t prejudged him, we could’ve connected much sooner.
We all have these biases and shortcuts baked into our brains. Back in primitive times, they helped us identify threats. Now, they lead us astray.
We let first impressions, labels, and rumors shape our opinions of people instead of facts. I once wrote off an actress based on her film roles before hearing her thoughtful conversation. We pigeonhole public figures into simplistic caricatures when their inner worlds are as complex as anybody else’s.
Our friends, even those we “know” intimately, can still manage to surprise us. This shows we can’t know everything about a person, but relationships can grow and change.
How and Why We Prejudge Others
Humans have all sorts of built-in biases that lead us to prejudge others. There’s confirmation bias — we notice and remember details confirming our beliefs. The halo effect causes us to assume someone’s personality matches their looks or job title. Selective perception leads us only to see what aligns with our preconceived notions.
These mental shortcuts once served an evolutionary purpose. When you needed to size up a friend from an adversary on the savanna, there wasn’t time for nuanced thinking. But today, these biases often lead us astray.
We make all kinds of snap calls about people based on limited data. If someone seems nervous, we assume they’re weak or hiding something. If they’re attractive, we assign positive traits like intelligence and kindness. We see a flashy car and think, “Show off.” Notice an unusual accent? Our instincts say “outsider.”
I once decided my neighbor was anti-social because he failed to smile and wave. In truth, he was just distracted and rushed when I first saw him. We later became good friends once I dropped my biased first impression.
Another common pitfall is relying on rumors or labels, like: “He’s an Ivy Leaguer, he must be an elitist.” Or, “She grew up poor, so she must have street smarts.”
When we boil people down to simplistic stereotypes, we do them and ourselves a disservice. Every person is a complex blend of qualities and quirks. But our prejudging brains can fail to see that richness.
“It’s an universal law — intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” ― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn
The Gap Between Our Prejudices and Reality
Research shows our prejudices often diverge wildly from reality. In one study, the researchers asked students to rate their professors before and after taking their classes. Across the board, the professors were rated as more likable and competent after the course.
Exposure over time, not first glimpses, revealed their true selves.
I’ve experienced this myself as a life coach. A client, let’s call him John, struck me as lazy and unfocused. But as we worked together, I saw his struggles with depression and low self-esteem. My coaching approach changed once I learned the honest John beneath the surface.
We misjudge people we think we “know” well — like public figures. We only see a little of what celebrities, politicians, athletes, and artists are really like.
We can’t equate perceptions with truths.
The truth is, we can’t ever fully know another person, even those closest to us.
Our spouses, parents, kids, and best friends are far more complex than we can fathom. There are whole swathes of their inner lives — past pains, secret dreams, quiet struggles — invisible to us.
Allowing for that mystery can strengthen our bonds. As the saying goes, no man is a hero to his valet. But when we recognize everyone’s intrinsic humanity, heroism abounds.
Prejudices build walls. Curiosity opens doors.
Although first impressions are essential, holding off on judging others is also beneficial. This allows us to learn more about the intriguing and intricate individuals around us.
“People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.” ― Blaise Pascal
Overriding Our Biases
The first step to overcoming our prejudiced reflexes is self-awareness. We can only intercept biases once we accept that we all harbor biases. Be alert to snap judgments about people’s appearances, backgrounds, or group identities.
Ask yourself, “Am I interpreting cues through a biased lens?” “Why am I focusing on this?” “How does it serve me to see them this way?” This humility allows us to catch ourselves in real-time.
From there, consciously reserve judgment — don’t let first impressions gel as permanent perceptions. Look past surface traits to see the complex person beneath. Ask open-ended questions to take your understanding deeper. Avoid leading with assumptions when you interact.
Try walking in the other person’s shoes, literally or figuratively. Seek shared experiences that invite empathy and nuance. Look for common ground — you may share values, challenges, or dreams.
We are more alike than different under the surface.
It also helps to expose yourself to many types of people. Varied social circles prevent insular thinking. Read books and watch films about those less familiar to you. Immerse yourself in new environments and cultures whenever possible. This expands our compassion and clarity.
Rewiring our biased mental circuitry takes diligence. But when we override our impulse to prejudge, we enrich our lives.
This path leads to seeing each other, finding truth, making connections, and having breakthroughs.
Valuing Openness and Understanding
Cultivating openness and understanding unlocks so much potential.
Curiosity should be our default mindset when encountering new people and fresh perspectives. Empathy, that powerful ability to connect with others’ feelings, is too often lacking and needed now more than ever. And giving people a fair chance before writing them off brings us together.
We must apply this open approach not just to individuals but to groups and cultures, too. Prejudging an entire race, religion, or country breeds harmful divisions. Dig deeper, and you’ll find inspiring individuals doing good work in every community.
Seek the humanity in each other, no matter our backgrounds.
Self-awareness is crucial in overcoming our barriers. Knowing ourselves — shadows and all — helps temper our impulse to invalidate others. Bringing biases into the light removes their control over us.
We can’t drop our preconceived notions, but we can open our minds.
Imagine how society might evolve if we let go of hardened perceptions, listen more than judge, and embrace each person’s uniqueness. The world needs such healing. And it starts with each of us adopting a more open heart and mind within our own lives every single day.
“Even god doesn’t propose to judge a man till his last days, why should you and I?” ― Dale Carnegie
Our brains are wired to prejudge others based on limited cues and biases. But these snap perceptions often miss the mark.
When we get to know people more deeply, the rigid assumptions in our minds fall away to reveal multidimensional individuals.
Even those we think we “know” have intricate inner worlds invisible to us. The truth is, we can never know the complexity of another person.
We can move past prejudices by becoming self-aware of our biases, reserving judgment, and opening our minds and hearts. When we meet others, we create genuine bonds, caring communities, and essential discoveries.
The next time you encounter someone new, silence that impulse to categorize. Listen and discover who they are beyond your preconceived notions. When understanding our fellow humans, we must judge less and listen more. The rewards for doing so are immeasurable.
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I first published this article in “Beyond Two Cents” on September 25th, 2023.
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© Alejandro Betancourt, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
