SELF-IMPROVEMENT
The Dreaded F-Word We All Try to Avoid: Failure
Making Friends with It
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you fail by default.” — J.K. Rowling
The mere thought of failing sends shivers down our spines and sounds alarms in our brains. Failure is expected, like breathing—even the best stumble on the path to success.
Think about how Michael Jordan missed more than 9,000 shots throughout his career. Also, imagine if they fired Oprah Winfrey from her first TV reporting job. Instead of staying in their comfort zone, successful people take risks to achieve greatness.
So why does failure strike fear into our hearts? Why do we hide our missteps and pretend they didn’t happen?
As a society, we’ve developed an irrational phobia of failure. But the truth is failure is a vital part of the learning process. It provides hard-won lessons in what doesn’t work so we can refine our approach. Each failure brings us one step closer to success if we dare to learn from it.
Rather than running from failure, embrace it. Mistakes, obstacles, and innumerable failures pave the path to growth and innovation. Personal progress and professional triumphs are waiting for you to grab. Redefining failure is the first step in conquering our fear.
Failure’s Hidden Gifts and Graces
Failure has gotten a bad rap in our success-obsessed culture. But when examined, failure contains hidden kernels of wisdom. It is not the villain it’s made out to be, but rather a wise teacher guiding us toward growth.
Failure introduces us to ourselves. It reveals our true character and resilience. Who hasn’t wondered how they would respond to hardship? Failure shows us how we react under pressure if we crumble or stand tall. It peels back our veneer of confidence to expose our core self-belief.
Failure also connects us to others. The most successful people have all tasted bitter defeat. Twelve publishers rejected J.K. Rowling before Harry Potter found a home. Steve Jobs was fired from his own company before he made Apple iconic. Failure humbles us by proving even our idols are not immune to its lessons. It reminds us of our shared humanity.
Failure unveils opportunity. It points out areas needing improvement and shows new paths forward. Each failure contains a puzzle to solve, not a condemnation of worth. Solving the puzzle leads to new skills and wisdom.
Failure fuels resilience. Dealing with setbacks builds mental toughness and grit. Lebron James says failure motivates him more than success. The courage to go from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm is what defines a true champion.
Failure is woven into the fabric of life. It waits to impart its hard-earned lessons to those bold enough to embrace it. Once we banish the irrational fear of failure, a world of possibility opens up.
Common Misconceptions
Our culture must shatter the damaging falsehoods about failure despite its lessons.
The first is that failure is permanent. In truth, failure is a temporary setback, not an identity. Just because you failed once does not mean you will always fail. Instead, it means you still need to unlock the solution. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before creating the lightbulb.
Another misconception is that failure defines you as a person. But one failure only negates some of your successes, skills, and worth. Failure is situational, not a fixed label. Henry Ford went broke five times before founding the Ford Motor Company. Did those failures define him?
The mistake persists that there is such a thing as perfection. Pursuing perfection is an illusion — progress requires failure along the way. As Brené Brown reminds us, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.” Excellence is attainable; perfection is not.
Some also believe failure means something is wrong with you or your goal. Failure is typical and expected when pursuing ambitious goals. The only actual failure is allowing it to stop your progress.
Some people think they must avoid failure at all costs. Innovation requires bold experimentation and risk, which will involve failures. Failure avoidance leads to stagnation, while failure acceptance leads to growth.
Once we banish these fallacies, failure transforms from foe to friend. Failure is not something to dread but rather a guide to success.
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” — Henry Ford
How Our Mindset Compounds Failure’s Sting
Failure may be an inevitable part of life, but how we respond to it is a choice. Our mindset and psychology surrounding failure are critical to how it affects us.
A fixed mindset views failure as a negative judgment of innate ability. This fosters a fear of failure that constrains growth. A growth mindset views failure as feedback to improve skills through effort. This promotes resilience. Developing a growth mindset around failure is thus critical.
Perfectionism also warps the psychology of failure. Perfectionists equate mistakes with personal failure, demanding flawless performance. But because perfection is impossible, perfectionism leads to chronic self-criticism. Combatting perfectionist tendencies by practicing self-compassion can ease the fear of failure.
Over-identifying with failures can be psychologically damaging. If someone’s self-esteem relies on achievement, failure threatens their sense of self. Maintaining diverse sources of self-worth beyond achievement helps protect against this.
Failures also conjure anxiety, stress, and depression for some. Viewing failure as a regular learning opportunity, not a catastrophe, helps manage challenging emotions. Putting failures into perspective prevents exaggerated psychological reactions.
Facing uncertainties makes action psychologically uncomfortable. However, avoiding failures by not trying leads to regret and perceived powerlessness. Sometimes, we must feel the discomfort of failure to learn.
Reframing Failure as a Compass, Not a Curse
Failure loses its power when viewed as a teacher rather than an enemy. By transforming our mindset, we can turn failures into guideposts on the road to success. Here are some tips:
First, failure should be seen as data rather than disaster—study failures to glean insights. Ask yourself, “What went wrong and why? What can I learn from this? How will I improve next time?” This growth-focused analysis prevents getting stuck in regret.
Celebrate small wins and moments of progress. Failure is part of a journey, not an endpoint. Recognizing improvements through failures keeps motivation high.
It also helps to study people who fail on their way to success. Read biographies of business, politics, and science leaders. Learn how they overcame mistakes, setbacks, and failures. Their stories provide perspective and inspiration.
Reframe past failures as learning experiences. How have previous mistakes helped you grow? What new skills have you gained by overcoming adversity? Reflection builds gratitude for the journey.
Don’t take failure personally. Failure is situational and does not reflect your worth or potential. Keeping self-confidence intact after failure allows you to try again.
Changing your mindset takes mindfulness, effort, and time. But the rewards are immense. Sometimes, failure can be a helpful friend. It can help us achieve success and fulfillment. Soon, failures start feeling like fresh starts rather than finish lines. With an open and growth-focused mindset, we can learn to cherish failure.
“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” — Johnny Cash
The path to success seldom runs straight. Mistakes, setbacks, and falls that feel like failures at the moment litter it. If we change our mindset, our failures can become growth opportunities. Each failure brings us one step closer to success if we dare to learn from it.
Failure is not something to dread but rather a guide that illuminates our path. The next time it visits you (it will!), greet it with open arms. Listen to its message, reflect on its lessons, and let it fuel your growth.
Release the assumption that failure means something is wrong or deficient about you. If you fail, it means you have yet to find the solution. But you will find the answer if you keep trying and stay open-minded.
Failure is one of our greatest teachers if we are ready to learn. If you have a positive attitude and keep trying, failure will help you succeed and feel satisfied. The path to success is paved with failure — walk it boldly and unapologetically.
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I published this article in Substack´s “Beyond Two Cents.” on October 2nd, 2023.
© Alejandro Betancourt, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
