POLITICAL HUMOR
18-Year-Old Declares This the Most Boring Presidential Race Ever
Why can’t we just elect Obama again?
My name is Liam Parker-Stevens. I was low-key pumped to turn 18 so I could finally vote and go skydiving, but this election is so basic. Except for when that Apprentice guy beat up Obama’s butler in that television argument. Other than that, it’s just been, like, two boomers telling people to get off their lawns. This has to be the most boring president competition of all time.
I’ve studied a lot of political history. My cousin got to vote for Obama, and he said he hooked up with so many hot chicks who also liked Obama. Why can’t we just elect Obama again? He’s not doing anything. Plus, Beyoncé likes him. I don’t know any hot chicks that are talking about voting right now.
Then my other cousin fucking loves Bernie Sanders and followed him on his presidential tour thing once. She also saw My Morning Jacket 13 times on that road trip and said she was constantly baked. I know Bernie is old-as-fuck, but he’s got this young vibe. Like, he gives zero shits. Plus, Cardi B and Lizzo like him.
My cousin also told me that Hillary Clinton was the devil. I didn’t really get it, but I guess Bernie and Hillary are about 1% different? So my cousin and all her friends decided not to vote anymore when Bernie lost. My cousin lives in Michigan, though, so I don’t think that election mattered much there.
Anyway, my cousins, Beyoncé, Cardi B, and Lizzo, are the main reasons I’m so politically active. I have all kinds of ideas about things.
I think we need to hear some political stuff from Taylor Swift. Oh! Or maybe, like, an African-American woman should run for president. If someone like Ariana Grande or John Legend could give her an IG shoutout, that would be fire.
I should be an influencer, huh? Like a politics influencer. I could get paid to tell people how to do politics better. I can’t believe no one has thought of this before. Another bright idea by Liam.
Dude, I just got another one of these dumb-ass text alerts. Who’s Kamala Harris, and what the fuck is a Walz? Did they misspell that dance? It’s too much work to unsubscribe, so I usually just ignore them.
I heard someone say they were “disillusioned” with politics the other day. I looked up that word, and I think I’m disillusioned with literally everything.
I’m pumped to slay the future, though. It’s gonna be so lit when my generation is running this shit. We’re gonna fix everything. I’ll probably study psychology in college so I can figure out why my parents are so fucked up and then make hella bank cuz I’ll know all about brains. I’m gonna backpack around Europe for a few years after college before I think about getting a job, though.
My friend Noah’s older brother did that, and he said it was dope. He’s working at Starbucks now, so he totally hooks us up with the newest Stanley Tumblers for free. He said it’s because he’s a communist, but I think he’s just stealing them. He’s also got a side hustle dealing meth.
Ugh. My brain hurts from all this political talk. I’m gonna go take another nap. Maybe I’ll dream about a better future. Or Cardi B.
