All the Me’s that I Am
We’re all combinations of various personalities and parts
Outwardly, I am a 71-year-old transgender woman. I’m told I don’t look as old as I am, but I certainly don’t look young. I don’t expect I’ll ever be mistaken as a cis woman, but the way I present myself should make it obvious to most people that I see myself as a woman.
I’ve only understood my gender for a couple of years, so despite my age, I’m a transgender toddler. I’m getting around, but I’m a little unsteady, and there’s so much of the world that I’m still trying to navigate. So far I *think* I’ve avoided the terrible twos, although I suppose people who know me should have the final say on that topic.
I’ve been on my current dosage of hormones for a little over a year, so that makes me a trans teenager, trying to figure out fashion, makeup, hair, and relating to a changing body. [I am very much aware, by the way, that grooming and appearance aren’t the most important things young girls entering puberty need to deal with. As with any analogy, this one is imperfect.]
Whether I think of my transgender self as a toddler or a teenager, my transgender life is going to be relatively short. I could live another 25 years or so, as my mother did, but not with the same mental and physical capacity I have now. As a result, I look at everything through a double lens. It’s all new and exciting, and it will all be over fairly soon.
As if this wasn’t enough complexity, all of my transgender selves interact with the various parts of me that I’ve identified within the Internal Family Systems construct. IFS helps us understand ourselves by identifying and personifying our tendencies and traits.
I have a free spirit part that eschews social conventions and expresses herself openly and without inhibition. She is the opposite of who I’ve been for most of my life, and I loved her the minute I “met” her. Until recently she was kept hidden away, but I’m giving her a little more room to express herself these days.
Then there’s the part I call “99 Rules,” who continuously reminds me of all the “shoulds” and “musts” that I might overlook. This part adapted quickly to my gender discovery, and started reminding me of the “rules of being transgender.” Of course, there are no such rules, but don’t try telling her that.
The worried child part, whom I call my little handwringer, is as her label implies. She sees and ruminates on pretty much everything — the mistakes I’ve made, or might make, how people respond (or might respond) to me, and all the possible catastrophes over which I have no control. If you look hard enough (and she does), there’s always something to worry about.
Another part embodies what I refer to as my social allergy. This part trusts no one, and as a result, is never relaxed in a crowd. Her goal is to avoid human interaction as much as possible.
Finally, there’s my Inner Critic (I bet most people reading this article are familiar with this part in themselves). She’s diligent in pointing out all my failings, oversights, and blunders.
“Me” is a combination of all my transgender parts and all my IFS parts. Sometimes one or another is more dominant, but in general, I’m a trans toddler, a trans teen, and a trans old lady, a free spirit, a stickler on rules, a worrier, an introvert, and a withering self-critic all at the same time.
Just as humans are enriched through interaction (don’t let my social allergy part hear me say that!), I am enriched by the interaction of all my parts. I’ve found that recognizing and getting to know my parts helps me understand why I react the way I do and helps me show them, and myself, more compassion, which opens the door to growth. The phrase “We’re all in this together” is never more true than when “we” are all parts of me.
