Availability is Not the Same as Accessibility. It Pays to Know the Difference.
Hint: One is passive, the other is active.
When I was a kid, I loved playing Monopoly. The box was stored on the top shelf of what my family referred to as the “game closet.” Whenever I wanted to play, I had to track down a grownup to fetch it for me. While the game was always available for me to play, it wasn’t easily accessible.
I find there’s a parallel with how we connect with others — particularly those we hope to influence or support: children, work teams, subordinates, partners, etc. We can be available, but are we fully accessible?
When my kids were teens, I desperately wanted to keep tabs on how they were doing, what they were up to and how they were coping in the world. If I recall anything from my childhood, there’s nothing easy about being a teen.
I was vocal with my kids about always being available to help them navigate a bump in the road of their academic, social or personal life. But this rarely seemed to prompt them to track me down and open up about any of these important topics.
So, I adjusted my tactics.
I started occasionally wandering into their bedroom after dinner. They may have been in the middle of homework, reading a book, playing a video game or simply doing nothing. I’d just plop onto their bed or sit against the wall, without saying much at all, and just hang.
On the one hand, I felt I may have been invading their space, but I did my best to not interfere with what they were doing. I’d greet them in a normal, casual way, but I intentionally restrained myself from trying to initiate a conversation. I was trying to provide total access. For them; on their terms and their timing.
Many minutes would tick by. There would be a mix of casual chat and silence. Mostly silence that, surprisingly, never felt awkward. They would continue with whatever they were doing and I would just be there.
Almost without fail, they would eventually bring something up and just start rattling on. It ranged from transactional issues like schoolwork to weighty topics about social struggles and related dynamics. Usually, the latter.
I recall one time in particular that one of them opened up about an extraordinarily pressing concern that my wife and I were completely unaware of. It was painful to realize they had been carrying this around, solo, for weeks — and who knows how much longer it would have been before we were invited in for support — if ever.
“Hey kids, you can ask me anything, anytime you want.”
“Hey team, my office door is always open.”
“Here’s a link to my personal calendar; book a time whenever you need.”
Making yourself available like this is great. It’s important to realize, though, that these offers don’t always make you easily accessible. Sometimes, just the requirement that the other person needs to initiate the action is enough of a barrier to prevent valuable engagement.
Are you sure you’re as accessible as your availability suggests? Are you ever surprised to find someone didn’t reach out to you when they needed your support? How might you adjust your tactics to ensure you’re more accessible?
I find it helps when I remember that availability is a passive posture and accessibility is active.
Dan Parodi is a badge-carrying executive coach. He writes on topics that emerge from client calls or related reflections to encourage others to pause and recalibrate. It’s easy to get distracted from the life-path we want, so hopefully these trigger deeper, personalized consideration…and maybe action?
