Defining the Meaning of Life: Expectations, Uncertainty, and Laughter
Beth’s Story
Elizabeth Vitty was born in Saudi Arabia in 2001. Two weeks later, Beth, her brother, and her mom moved to Mumbai, India. Her father stayed in Saudi Arabia to work. While living in Mumbai, Beth’s mother applied to be a nurse in the United States. At the age of five, her family of four moved to Santa Maria, California.
“When people talk about immigration, I feel like they have their own stories about their struggles with racism, etc. I never feel that way. Immigration was my parents’ story rather than mine, because at five what do you really know? Everything is the same to you. I feel like I was born in Santa Maria and raised here and travel to India to see my family.”
Beth’s only struggle with immigration was the difficulty that came with learning English. Thankfully, her elementary school experience eased the challenge. Up until 5th grade, Beth attended a public school in Santa Maria, where most students also came from immigrant families. The prevalence of English language programs offered and the amount of other students also learning the language made Beth feel included. She found a quiet solace in growing up with kids who were in similar situations as her.
After switching to a private Catholic school, however, things changed drastically. In this new environment, most students were in advanced stages of basic subjects like grammar and math. They had also grown up with opportunities and extracurriculars like music, P.E., and even student council which Beth had never been exposed to. Her new peers had spent their early academic years learning more than just the English language, and as a result, she struggled to keep up in classes.
“I became more competitive in my transition to private school. More competitive with everyone around me. I was never competitive before because everyone was the same. But at private school I wanted to beat everyone, because everyone wanted to be the best.”
A tight-knit family and a close relationship with Catholicism helped Beth succeed in both her academic and extracurricular endeavors. Beth’s parents quickly established an Indian community in Santa Maria after they arrived in the United States, and soon became frequent churchgoers. They kept close to their cultural roots and continued to practice religion, deeply influencing Beth’s own beliefs.
“Religion is my main motivator to how I live. Growing up in a religious household, even if I’m sad or don’t have a direction in life, religion is what I lean on. God always has your back and that makes me feel less lonely. I think if I hadn’t grown up religious I would have been a very pessimistic person. I’m optimistic because you let the universe and God guide you. Even when I feel the worst moments of my life, at the end of the journey you look back and see the reason for everything. Because of religion, I really see those reasons.”
Though Beth always had her parents’ full support, their traditionalism meant Beth had a strict upbringing. And with so much of her focus on succeeding academically, she didn’t have much of a social life outside of school. Fortunately, her hard work throughout high school paid off, and Beth achieved her dream of attending UCLA.
“It was like your typical Catholic school girl who didn’t do anything growing up and once she gets an ounce of freedom, it’s like no restraints. My first quarter I didn’t do the best I could at all, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was a necessary thing for me, and I think UCLA is the best place for that — there’s so much diversity and so many groups to fit into.”
Overwhelmed with the possible academic routes one can take at college, Beth entered her freshman year with a spelled-out plan. She was going to graduate in three years, major in business economics, and start her professional life early. But a little after a year, she found herself constantly stressed out and mentally consumed by her classes, ultimately leading her to change her course of action entirely.
“It was like a full 360 — you never know what’s gonna happen in college. I changed my major to public affairs (the complete opposite of bus econ), but I’m so happy about the change. At first it was scary because it feels like you failed at something, but I realized college is full of new direction. My grades improved because I was doing something I was actually loving and growing in.”
Beth’s Meaning of Life
“I think we all have expectations of what we want in life. Different goals, dreams, aspirations. My dream after college was to get a good salary, live by myself, and work in the film industry. In my mind, it was like, ‘I made it this far, this shouldn’t be hard for me. There are so many film opportunities.’ That was a slap in the face. You think the universe owes you something. When I was in college, ready to graduate, that was my expectation. I thought the hardest part of my life was done, that I was going on to live my dreams.
Over summer I was applying for jobs, sending out applications left and right, but I got nothing. That was when reality hit me. My dad came to me with a temp position one day and said I had to do something. I didn’t want to do it, but what else was I gonna do?
It was not what I expected from life at all; it was so humbling. What gives you the right to expect something from the universe? You’re in a decent job, in a comfortable environment, it’s pretty easy work, you have a nice boss. I knew I had to accept the good things. Yet you only focus on the bad things.
It was like a big white wall with a tiny black dot on it. I only focused on that. My mom, dad, and brother said to focus on the good — they wanted me to focus on the white, but I could only see the black dot. Trying to force myself to think optimistically was very hard. With this job, my whole morning to night I just felt super sad.
On Saturdays my family and I have family dinners; my parents call their brothers and sisters in India. One night, my uncles and aunts were all on FaceTime from India, and my mom and dad were fighting about doing dishes. My mom hates when people mess with her kitchen; she wants to cook, clean, etc. She was doing dishes as we were eating, and my dad was trying to hold her back and she said she’d eat later. Everyone was watching and laughing. It was just a funny image, seeing my mom trying to wash dishes and my dad behind her literally holding her back. We were all laughing about it and it felt like time froze.
In that moment, it was like the black dot got smaller. It was less noticeable. My negative thoughts and expectations from the universe didn’t matter anymore. Laughing so hard in this moment was like, ‘Wow, it’s all gone.’ The black dot blended in with the white, and I got a clear picture of what I had in life. The black dot was now just part of it. I didn’t even notice it. It was a moment of clarity, and I could take a deep breath. Laughing was the way I realized it. It was a very out of body experience.
Laughing always makes me feel better, no matter how embarrassing a situation is or how sad I get. I love laughing with people and even with myself. When I’m sad I laugh even louder, but it helps so much because those moments feel like the light at the end of the tunnel, like everything will pass. The meaning of life for me is laughing with friends, through pain, sadness, everything. I want that to be a constant in my life.”
