Defining the Meaning of Life: Meditation, Kindness, and Impermanence
Leo’s Story
Leo Dong was born in 2001 and grew up very comfortably in Sugar Land, Texas. He lived with both of his parents in this Houston suburb, where they both worked in the oil and gas industry.
Despite his fortunate life circumstances and pleasant childhood, the thread of Leo’s life was shaped by building relationships and the instability that surrounded those efforts. His insecurity regarding friendships, which stemmed from moving schools twice while growing up, has played a large role in shaping his current values.
Early elementary school was an idyllic period of life for Leo. One of his earliest memories he recalls from this time was when he met his best friend, Jonathan, in kindergarten. The two sat on the carpet against the wall of the classroom and began talking — they were a united duo from then on. Together, they comprised the center of their elementary school friend group.
“During recess, we had this game where we would each start at opposite ends of monkey bars then swing towards each other and grapple with the other person using our legs and try to pull them off the bars. I remember playing that a lot as a kid and it was really fun. One day in second grade when we were playing, Jonathan wrapped his legs around me and pulled me off, but he didn’t let me go. I swung down and landed on my arm and broke it. This isn’t at all a bad memory — just a part of the very happy period of my life.”
In third grade, Leo’s family moved for the first time, thwarting the easy, happy childhood he knew. At Leo’s new elementary school, he struggled with feeling like he belonged. He lacked close friends and didn’t feel secure in the friendships he did have since he didn’t know his peers as long as they knew each other.
“I kinda felt like an outsider, and I think that gave me a deep-seated insecurity about friendships. To this day I feel the need to almost prove myself… I just feel a really deep need to feel secure in my relationships.”
Middle school was unfortunately no different. Despite his persistent efforts, Leo never felt like he was fitting in. He never seemed to wear the right clothes, always a step off or a step behind with how he felt he needed to dress to be ‘cool.’ The friendships he had during this time were purely surface-level ones; they only interacted with each other at school.
“I remember at lunch, I was always sitting on the edge of the lunch table, and I think that feeling of not exactly belonging really stuck with me. I felt lonely during that period of time. I didn’t have anyone I could confide in or be vulnerable with.”
Right before high school, Leo’s family moved to Houston. Given the previous years of difficulty finding good friends — and the fact that his struggles began after the first move in third grade — Leo anticipated that high school would be no different.
However, luck was on his side this time, and Leo’s social situation improved immensely. It was as though people actually wanted to be his friend for the first time since his early elementary school period. Leo felt like the kids here in the city were a lot less insular. People were immediately very friendly and welcoming, instilling in Leo a sense of assuredness.
“All through late elementary and middle school I never hung out with people outside of school. That’s a long time to see people your age only in school — 5 ½ years. So the thing that happened in high school that made me really happy was when the guy who turned out to be my best friend (and only person I still keep in touch with from high school) invited me to his birthday party. And the people at this party ended up being my good friends. I felt a deep sense of wellness and belonging from being able to be there with people outside of school who I liked and who liked me in an unqualified way. I think that was when I realized I didn’t need to be as insecure about belonging and making friends and having community.”
Although Leo’s insecurity about relationships lessened, these feelings of self-doubt transformed into a general kind of anxiety during high school. He found comfort in meditation, realizing that the activity soothes the anxiety he still copes with today and improves his overall mental health. After high school, Leo took a gap year before heading off to UCLA. Right before the pandemic hit he went to a meditation retreat, where he discovered the philosophy he still has about life.
Leo’s Meaning of Life
“At this meditation retreat, you would sit in these little individual meditation cells which are about the size of a closet. And you’re supposed to sit there and non-judgmentally observe your sensations. I remember one session when feelings of anxiety arose in me. It was day six, and it was a silent meditation retreat, so I was going insane. I continued to sit still, feeling the physical anxiety in my body, and simply allowed it to be. I didn’t wish or will it to go away like I usually do. I just let it sit there and I didn’t have any particular thoughts or feelings about it. And eventually, the anxiety passed. I could feel it physically leave my body. I became aware that the sensation had come and gone — it was impermanent.
Practicing this more and more over time, experiencing the concept of impermanence, allows me to recognize that all sensations are impermanent. I think people are driven by sensation — we want to feel good and not feel bad. We’re driven by this craving and aversion. But craving and aversion are the source of all unhappiness. You are unhappy because you either want something you don’t have or something is happening that you don’t want to happen.
When I normally feel anxiety, I feel an aversion to it, and want it to go away — I am unhappy. I think about what I should do to counteract it. If I’m nervous about an upcoming essay, for example, I think, I should start this paper to stop feeling anxious. Through meditation you can come to realize that these negative feelings will go away on their own. I don’t need to be unhappy and look for something to change when this happens. I can just allow it to be, and it will go away by itself.
I realized, sitting on the ground in my cell on day six of that retreat, that craving and aversion are just like physical sensations. I realized that my aversion to feeling anxious was just a sensation that came and went by just letting the anxiety be. So when you can recognize that all physical sensations are impermanent and experience their impermanence through meditation, you can achieve true happiness that is unimpeded.
I thought about how if I as a meditator can overcome this human condition of suffering, of being subject to the sensations of craving and aversion, then I can recognize that although the external world might not align with the way I want it to be, I can not let it make me unhappy any longer. So if someone cuts me off while driving, for example, I can not be unhappy about it.
The more I practice this sort of meditation, the more I experience and believe in impermanence. The happier I become because I’m more satisfied with how things are at the moment. The question I’m left with is, how do I live? The only answer seems to be kindness. I know people are suffering — everyone suffers. There just seems to be something good about being kind that can’t be further abstracted for one’s own benefit. If you’re happy and you know that others are unhappy, you should just try your best to make others’ lives easier. You realize, I’m at peace, so how can I help others who I know are suffering? How can I be kind and reduce suffering in the world?”
