SATIRE — SORT OF

Finally, Some Good News!

Donny has seen the light. Sure, it meant a trip to Rome, but newly imbued with the pope’s spirit of compassion and generosity, Donny plans major changes on his return.

Donny is in the crowd somewhere, but his red tie is difficult to spot (Le Monde, MARKUS SCHREIBER / AP)

If this doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, you have a cold, cold heart. Donny, who could be riding his golf cart under the Florida sunshine, is instead in Italy for the funeral of Pope Francis. Why? Is it because he, too, wants a Popemobile, now that Tesla is on the skids? Of course not, that’s cynical and mean-spirited.

Unfortunately, it’s exactly the sort of question you’d expect from the lamestream media, who are also spreading the rumour that Donny is there to make a deal with the cardinals; although he once wanted to be king, he would now prefer the pope job.

It’s all fake news. The truth is, Donny is in Rome to pick up the vibes emanating from the Holy City and the spirit of Pope Francis. These will enter Donny’s soul and make him good and kind and filled with compassion for all. And, yes, of course, he has a soul, a very good soul, he said so himself.

Intrepid sleuth that I am, I have already discovered a few of the many ways in which the new and improved Donny intends to follow the examples…