God Tweets
In an event long time Washington observers called “unprecedented,” the sky above the Capitol building erupted this morning in huge flaming letters spelling out “Carbon Tax! Thus Sayeth Your Lord!” and the Capitol building itself suddenly sank ten feet into the Earth. No damage was reported.
There was no immediate response from President Biden, but White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told gathered journalists that the White House was carefully monitoring the situation. A highly-placed intelligence official told XNN that there had been no “chatter,” the intelligence community’s term for observed coordination activities by foreign actors. The official revealed that the military has been moved to DefCon 2, “Purple with a Slight Reddish Tint,” and that our nuclear missile sites were awaiting targeting information on the source of the letters.
House Speaker Jim Jordan said he’d seen nothing and this seemed like a big fuss over nothing, while Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer did not immediately respond to XNN. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he would have a statement shortly, but noted it was outrageous and blasphemous for environmental activists to pretend they were God.
Traveling to an Iowa campaign event, former President Donald Trump said “this is what happens when desperate, racist prosecutors attack the best President the United States ever had.” He went on to say that “if the Lord wants a Carbon Tax, I’ll consider it, but I think it’s a lousy idea. Americans are tired of every little move they make being taxed by the Democrat Party, and why carbon and not other elements? If I were in the White House, I’d have God on the phone right now and I’m the best negotiator this country has ever had. God believes in me, so I’d bet we’d have a perfect call.”
While intelligence officials say they are still gathering information, the highly-placed official said the flaming display did not appear to be of human origin, adding “no military of which I’m aware would have the ability to transport our Capitol building ten feet downwards into the Earth without causing structural damage, and no structural damage is evident in the Capital, at least so far.”
In Vatican City, Pope Francis was reportedly in prayer. Bart Barber, President of America’s Southern Baptist Convention, said the display was the work of a false God, “a homosexual, atheistic God who wants to destroy the wealth families have accumulated over years, by hard work, a bit of slavery, prayerful lives, and the missionary position.” He said: “if this is the work of the Lord, then I’m a raging queer hypocritical atheist.”
Actor and activist Sean Penn went on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter (and the platform which apparently will be called “X, the platform formerly known as Twitter” until the end times, which don’t seem all that far away this morning), to say, God or not, a carbon tax was necessary, but his post was immediately tagged as “controversial and potentially offensive.”
On the same site, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene posted that carbon was a left-wing hoax, and Americans should not be fooled by some fireworks. “Tell me,” she X’d, “have you ever seen carbon yourself? Pay tax on invisible stuff — I don’t think so!”
A carbon tax, XNN’s experts say, is a tax on the amount of carbon dioxide emissions associated with the use of something, for example the burning of gasoline in an automobile or truck engine. Many have claimed to XNN that human-caused carbon dioxide emissions are a cause of the phenomenon called global warming, while others state that the science is still not 100% certain.
In an XNN poll conducted in December 2022, the responses to the question “Are human activities causing global warming?” were: 45% “yes”; 30% “no”; 12% “MAGA!”; 7% “Benghazi!”; 6% “Hunter Biden.” Asked if they were following global warming closely, somewhat, or not at all, 45% said they were watching closely, while 45% responded they were watching somewhat, and 10% repeated “MAGA!”
XNN is closely following this story and will be devoting all of tonight’s “Special Report, with host Taylor Swift,” to these events. Be sure to join us!
