I Don’t Judge You For Drinking, Don’t Judge Me Because I Don’t
About five years ago I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol. I was in my early thirties with two young children and drinking really did not fit into my life anymore.
Back in college, I was no different than any other guy. I drank until I dropped. Several crazy nights, embarrassing stories, and various forms of debauchery. After college, I moved to the city and as a young professional, the drinking continued.
Happy hours, “Thirsty Thursdays,” shutting down the bars on Friday and Saturday. I pretty much embodied the young 20s yuppie with all the privilege and flaws that entails.
The thing about that type of drinking is the atrocious hangovers the next morning. The head is buried in the toilet praying for death. How amazing the cool tile of the bathroom floor felt after a violent expulsion of tequila and the chewing of Tylenol-like Tic Tacs.
As I entered into my mid-20s I matured and began my true ascension into adulthood. I think most people realize there comes an age where it’s no longer cute to be the idiot at the party that can’t remember the shit he did the previous night.
My drinking became more controlled and I was no longer pounding alcohol while giving my liver the middle finger. Drinking became social. It wasn’t something I needed but I still looked forward to those few beers on Friday and Saturday after a long week.
I went on like this for several years, even after I got married. However, like so many other aspects of life, having kids changed all of this. I think people, especially men, try and have it all.
They are husbands and fathers but they still want to golf, hang out with the boys, play in their rec sports leagues, hit the gym, and drink. Of course, being a parent does not mean you have to sacrifice every part of yourself.
We all need our outlets and time to explore our own interests. However, you have to pick and choose. YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL. You chose to breed, and that choice has consequences. Back when you just had yourself to take care of you could drink whenever you wanted.
At 5 PM the rest of the day was yours to do with what you pleased. Once you enter parenthood 5 pm is halftime. There are still a lot of days left and little humans that need your full attention.
I spent the first couple of years of parenthood continuing to drink. Those two or three beers after a long work week just hit right. The problem is, and I don’t care who you are, even a few innocent drinks are going to affect you a bit. You aren’t going to sleep as well that night, you’re going to have that little tinge of a headache the next day, and maybe you’re a bit bloated or feeling hazy.
It’s okay to feel that way and after a long week, perhaps you did earn those drinks. The issue becomes, your kids don’t give a shit how you feel. They are going to wake up at the same time with the same needs and wants and your headache does not factor into their plans…..nor should it.
Taking all this into account, I made the decision to ax the drinking, at least until my children are older and a bit more self-sufficient. I don’t want to get preachy and talk about all the benefits. Do I feel better, look better, have more energy, save some money, and feel like I am not numbing myself with booze because it’s the social convention? Yes, I do feel that way. At the same time I completely respect the fact that most people, others parents included, choose to drink.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s something they enjoy, so why shouldn’t they? The problem is the silence and confusion that ensues when “Dad A” offers me a beer.
I politely decline and state that I don’t drink. There is typically a few seconds of silence while Dad A recovers. “Sure, man. No worries.” All the while I see the thoughts in his eyes:
- Jesus Christ is this guy a Mormon?
- Guess I am not having any fun tonight.
- Shit, maybe he’s a recovering alcoholic. I better be careful.
- Why can’t my son pick friends with cooler dads?
Around this time I typically try and explain myself to defuse the awkwardness:
- I used to drink.
- Gave it up when the kids were little.
- Just something that works for me.
- I am sure I will indulge again when they get older.
- Please enjoy yourself, no judgment on my end.
Most of the time this is enough to convince Dad A that I am somewhat normal, if a bit boring, and we can navigate away from the subject of alcohol. It’s just funny those of us who do not engage in this habit are the ones who feel we have to justify ourselves.
Drinking is just such a staple in our society that people automatically assume there is something wrong with you if you don’t. You either have a physical ailment or an addiction.
I am sure my liver has plenty of alcohol-related battle scars but right now it’s enjoying a well-earned reprieve.
