If Christians Were Honest About Hell
This article is written in the spirit of the movie Liar, Liar and in the format of a dialog. The hilarious thing about Liar, Liar is not just that Jim Carrey’s character, Fletcher Reede, must tell the truth for 24 hours, but that he MUST answer any direct question.
So, here is a pretend dialog between a door-to-door Christian evangelist and one of his neighbors.
CE — Christian Evangelist
N — Neighbor
— — — — —
KNOCK, KNOCK
Pause. Shuffling. Door answered.
N — “Hello, can I help you?”
CE — “I live in the neighborhood and I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes”.
N — “Well, sure…I guess. I am between tasks”.
CE — Nervously…“I wanted to let you know that…God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life”.
N — Rolls eyes… “uhh, okay. Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?”
CE — brightening… “Oh no, I go to God is Great Baptist Church just down the street.”
N — pause… “Ok I’ll bite…what would you like to say.”
CE — “Well, it’s true, God does love you and he has a wonderful plan for your life.”
N — “Is God the all-powerful creator and sustainer of the universe?”
CE — “Yes”
N — mock relief. “Well so glad to know that God loves me, then. So I guess I am all set. Anything else”.
CE — thoughtful pause… “Well…it is not quite that simple…”
N — “Hmmm… Ok… In what sense?”
CE — “Well, you see, he has a wonderful plan for your life…but’s it’s just his plan. It hasn’t happened yet. In order to realize his plan for your life you have to repent of your sins and turn to him in faith. It is what we call the Good News”.
N — “Well, appreciate you coming by but I already have a wonderful life. Adoring wife and kids, job that I love. Friends that care about me.” Starts to close the door.
CE — “Wait… again…it’s not that simple. Please let me finish”
N — “… Ok”.
CE — “I am glad that you have a wonderful life. But it could be even more wonderful. And in any case, a terrible fate awaits those that don’t repent and turn to Christ in faith.”
N — long pause “… you mean hell?”
CE — “Yes. A place called Hell”.
N — “Umm… okay. So, what the hell is hell, then.”
CE — “I’m so glad you asked. Let me tell you. Have you ever been cooking or at the grill and you burned your hand?”
N — “Yes”
CE — “Well… hell isn’t like that. It’s more like being locked in a room in a burning building. Except it isn’t really like that. Because only parts of your flesh are being burned at a time. In hell, every square inch of your flesh is set on fire at the same time. The bible calls it a Lake of Fire”.
N — long pause — “wow… and you… actually believe that…?”
CE — “Oh yes. Hell is where God tortures you for not turning to Jesus…forever and ever. And he has a special magical power that he employs as chief torturer.”
N — … “really… what is that?”
CE — “Well, if you have ever read the story of how Moses came to serve God, it was because he saw a burning bush. But the fact that it was burning is not what was special about it. What was special about it is that it was burning but it was not consumed. In the process of burning, the bush didn’t ‘burn up’. That is God’s magical power that he employs. In hell your flesh is burned but it is never consumed. So he get’s to torture you forever-and-ever because your flesh is never consumed. The ‘virtue’ of being burned alive is that your flesh is eventually consumed and you die. But God isn’t limited by that. With God, you just burn and keep burning. Cool trick isn’t it?”
N — “I think that is an AWFUL trick… And this is the same God who loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life?”
CE — “Yep. Christians have a wonderful hymn they sing… Amazing Grace. And in that song we get to sing that When we’ve been there for 10,000 years we’ve no less days to sing his Praise. Same thing is true of hell, though. When you have been there having your flesh burned but not consumed for 10,000 years…well the party is just getting started.”
N — “… Wow… Just wow.”
CE — “Yep. Kinda complicated I know. But it is easily resolved. Just turn to Jesus in repentance and faith. Then you get to have a wonderful life AND a wonderful death. Streets of gold and mansions and all of that”.
N — “Ok, let me ask you some questions. This God, this Torturer in Chief. You use the words, Good, Loving, and Kind to describe him.”
CE — “Yes.”
N — “But those that are not Christians, they get plan B. They don’t get the God who is good, loving and kind. They get the god who is Torturer in Chief”
CE — “Yep, pretty much.”
N — “And there are 8 billion people in the world. Of those, let’s assume that 1/3rd of them are Christians, which leave approximately 5.5 billion people who, when they depart this earth will get to know Torturer in Chief rather than Good, Loving, and Kind.
CE — “Yep, pretty much. Might be slightly more complicated than that but that’s about it.”
N — “Well, let me ask you a theoretical question. Suppose you have a friend and he has 9 wives. And let’s say that for 3 of the wives he takes care of them, tends to their needs, loves them, cooks for them, takes them out for pleasant walks, buys them things. And he does that every day. But he also visits the other 6 wives every day. And he tortures them mercilessly. Ties them to burning cauldrons. Pours boiling water on them. Starves them. Beats them. Threatens them. Nearly drowns them. Makes their lives such a living hell that their greatest longing is for death. Would you say your friend is good, loving, and kind or a monstrous devil”?
CE — “I would say that he is a monstrous devil. But…he is a man. The rules are different for God. Because he is God. Once again you are over-simplifying.”
N — “For the record, I don’t think I am over-simplifying at all. I need to understand why behavior that would ALWAYS be described as a Monstrous Evil if done by a man, is somehow okay when applied to the creator and sustainer of all things?”
CE — “Well, it is because he is holy and just…”
N — interrupting… “Just? Really? So you think what you have described is ‘just. I suppose you think that jaywalkers and speeders should be tortured and put to death?”
CE — “Well, of course not.”
N — “But it is okay for God, because he is God, to torture people every day for ‘10,000 years and the party is just starting’. That wouldn’t be ‘just’ for even Hitler or Attila the Hun. And definitely not for my muslim neighbor who is the most thoughtful, self-less and kind person that I know. If you want me to ‘turn to God’ I am sorry, but I could not turn to a God like that.”
CE — “Well you don’t understand what it means for God to be Holy…”
N — interrupting…”no…you don’t understand what it means for God to be Good, Loving, and Kind and, at the same time, ascribe to him those kinds of atrocities. You can’t have it both ways. Once you eat the cupcake…the cupcake is gone. Well, this has been an interesting chat. Have a nice day.”
CE — “So, I guess you wouldn’t care to know the service times for God is Awesome Baptist Church.”
N — “Most definitely not. I kind of wish you had been a Jehovah’s Witnesses. They know better than to believe in something as stupid as Hell.”
