Life Hack: Tapping Your Double Intelligence
A friend recently asked me to speak at his father’s memorial service. I was deeply honored but a tad thrown off because I’d never met his father.
“Yes, of course,” I replied.
A couple days later I sat with my friend and his wife in their kitchen trying to learn about his dad. “He could be prickly,” they explained, and went on to describe numerous stories of his prickly, sometimes off-putting, nature.
Uh oh. What do I say about a guy — at the close of his life — whom I’ve never met and who seemed widely regarded as “difficult?” Sugar-coating to friends and family was a non-starter, but I had no direct experience to frame positive.
Then I suggested to my friend that his dad sounded like someone who tended to share whatever was on his mind; unfiltered and without much regard for how those words might land.
“Yes, exactly!”
Hmmm. “Tell me about a time when your dad quieted his mind and assumed a different posture, acting or speaking in ways that demonstrated genuine attentiveness toward others.”
My friend just stared at me as though I kicked open a door to a closet he’d almost forgotten about. “Well…” he slowly began, and then started unpacking a number of sweet memories of an entirely different sort. I nodded knowingly and asked if he thought during those times his father was leading with his heart instead of his head.
He mulled that concept for a moment as I watched him forming a different image of his father; one of warmth and goodness. “Yes; I think that’s true,” he replied softly as the idea settled. “He was leading with his heart.”
Dr. James Doty is a Stanford neuroscientist that makes a bioscience case for two human intelligence systems we all have: the mind and the heart. While we all know people that “think with their hearts,” he explains a surprising physiology: the heart actually transmits more data to the brain than the other way around.
Sounds odd, but consider how strong positive or negative feelings can simply take control of your thoughts. Then consider the many times you’ve tried to modulate those feelings by just trying to think differently.
How’d that go?
One of my favorite non-fiction books is Doty’s deeply reflective, Into the Magic Shop. It’s a dive into his extraordinary personal journey of how a random visit to a magic shop ignites his unlikely trajectory toward celebrated neurosurgeon— all elegantly interlaced with compelling science. His work, including Stanford’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research (CCARE) that he founded, has inspired me to be much more intentional with my two intelligences.
When I finally addressed those gathered at the memorial service, I explained the basics of these dual intelligences and shared about a time I single-handedly unraveled a treasured friendship when I allowed my head to subordinate my heart, suggesting we are all capable of similar missteps.
I then assured everyone that, conversely, all of us (including the recently departed), show up with grace, compassion and humility — when we allow our hearts to lead.
But my friend did the best work. He eulogized his father beautifully, recounting many warm stories of his father “leading from his heart” (his words).
I’m convinced that tapping into our best self requires two things: First, we actually need both “intelligences” dancing together. Second, our hearts need to lead the dance. If we leave our mind to the task, there will always be some painful stepping on toes, trips and ugly falls. Dr. Doty offers a vivid portrait in his story of ascent.
Pause for a moment and recognize your two intelligences: your heart and your mind. See them for what they are and appreciate them both. Then consider who you are when you let your head lead? Your heart? Which version of you do you and others appreciate more? Which typically leads? What can you do to improve your elegance on the dancefloor of life?
Thanks for reading, reflecting and sharing.
