8 Reasons Why Good Women Struggle To Win Easy
The Trauma of being a good woman’s daughter
Trauma comes in many forms and has many faces. Mine came in the form of ‘goodness’. I was the daughter of a ‘good’ woman. My mother is in her late 60s now and has been a good woman for as many years.
She believes that the world is a selfish place. She also believes ‘good women’ will save the World and says proudly “I don’t understand selfish people. I think of others’ comfort over my own. I believe in being a good person.”
As children, we think of our parents as infinite beings that do no wrong. When one of the infinite beings, my mother, deemed my needs and feelings secondary to everyone else are the messages I got was that they didn’t matter. I felt there was something inherently wrong with me so I should be placed last of all. What was worse, she was molding me to be a good person as well.
Good women forget that they are setting themselves up to be taken advantage of. They become givers, not for the right reasons but because they suffer from anxiety disorders, have an irrational fear of missing out, have a compulsive need to be liked, simply feel inadequate, or like in my mother’s case a combination of all these.
Let us examine the word ‘good’ used especially in the context of women. It is such a loaded word. And a binary word.
Why do ‘good women’ have a tough time?
Good girls are nice. Good girls don’t stay out late at night. They listen to mum and dad and grow up to be good women who do as the family member, the boss, and the company said. Good girls are satisfied with where they are and don’t break rules. Good is about morals that are based on cultural and arbitrary rules.
So here are 8 reasons why good women don’t win easy:
Good women=nice women
Good women are so afraid of being “bad” that they wear a good straight jacket all the time. By being ‘nice’ to everybody they place others’ interests above their own. In the bargain, they are unable to make their opinions heard or their views count. Others find it difficult to take them seriously as winners/leaders because they come across as ‘easy to sway’.
Rejecting ‘NO’
Good women are scared to say ‘NO’. Their reluctance to disagree or establish their preferences stems from their need to be liked, their fear of missing out, fear of having to choose, or sometimes lack of knowledge that they CAN say No. But to keep sight of one’s goals & get the right opportunities, it is often necessary to say ‘NO’ often and with confidence.
Fearful of ‘bad’
When good women are too ‘good’, they fear ‘bad’. Because they see ‘bad’ everywhere they are in a way controlled by it. It follows that they find it difficult to trust or be trusted in turn.
Identity confusion
Binary words like ‘good’ or ’bad’ lead to identity confusion. We buy into the lie that we have to be ‘good’ people, but we don’t know what it takes to be good. This results in ‘good’ women walking on eggshells most times.
Good/bad from the viewpoint of an outsider judge, become a recipe for indecisiveness. Good women get pulled in different directions by contrary viewpoints of what being ‘good’ entails.
Good women who do ‘bad’ things
When women are overtly ‘good’ without knowing why they are not convinced it’s the right thing. This becomes especially true if (and this is bound to happen) they see those around them boasting about how they took the ‘bad’ route to success. This might lead them to follow suit. These women are the good people who sometimes end up doing ‘bad’ things.
We can’t be rule breakers
Also, when women are overtly ‘good’ without being convinced it’s the thing, they may tread the good path, but resentfully. They may feel deep down that they are doomed to fail with the limited choices they have as compared to ‘bad people. They become inflexible because they don’t know the difference between breaking internal codes (which stem from ethical principles) & bending rules that have been imposed on them by systems & institutions.
Perfection can be a vice
Good women may believe that to be good they have to be perfect. But their perfection can end up becoming a handicap that may not serve them.
The ‘little girl’ image
What comes to your mind when I ask you to bring up the image of a ‘good woman’? The image I think of is not of a grown capable woman but the image of a little girl. This little girl uses her goodness as a shield to deal with the world. This may unknowingly be the image good women project of themselves.
What is the alternative to being part of the ‘good women’ tribe?
Being a ‘good’ person is clearly not enough. So the question you as a good woman need to ask yourself is this- what should I wear in place of my ‘goodness’ cloak that ensures my needs are met without causing harm or hurt to others? The answer is Ethics & Integrity.
When you make your locus of control internal, based on ethical principles, rather than external, based on an arbitrary definition of ‘good’ the magic starts to happen.
As a society, we need to revisit the superhero qualities of Ethics and Integrity and see how they can serve us. My podcast Ethical Badass Tales: Ethical Badass Tales (buzzsprout.com) follows the theme of “Why Good women don’t win easy?”. Every few episodes we take up success in friendships, success in sports, success in the corporate space, success in entrepreneurship, and even success in relationships. I talk about how you can break the barriers of being ‘good’ and become Ethical Badasses who shine.
