A List of 10 Things That I’d Rather Publish Than Your Shitty Writing
Your poorly thought-out and crappily thrown-together story is very low on my list
Let me start off by saying that I have read a lot of articles over my time as an editor. I came across a story recently that was so poorly thought out and used such shitty logic that I wanted to reflect and laugh about it.
I am not saying that opinion pieces are all crap but there are certainly a lot of shitty opinions out there. At this point, I’m just going to think of all of the other things I’d rather be doing with my time than even wasting another minute on your crap.
1. A story with just pictures of paint drying
Yeah, I’m so blown away by your ignorance and stupidity that I’d rather spend my time watching paint dry instead of reading your story any longer. I’d also rather spare others from your shitty beliefs and faulty logic by showing them a more informational and less damaging post.
Who wouldn’t want to watch paint dry? It’s time-consuming but at least we don't lose brain cells doing it. Well, unless you’re actually in front of the wall huffing the paint. If that’s the case, please stop doing that. Thanks.
2. Any story accidentally written by a baby and somehow sent to a publication on their mom or dad’s computer.
A baby? Yep, a damn baby. That baby doesn’t even know words yet. She’s probably just typing random keystroke nonsense but it still makes more sense than anything you’ve ever written.
Again, I think people will lose a lot less sleep and brain cells from reading this than from reading whatever you have to offer. And there is a very small chance that this baby is actually a genius baby so maybe she writes the next masterpiece.
3. An AI-generated listicle about how to earn money.
Yep, even AI is worth more than your bullshit. Please miss me with yours but give me a brilliantly dry and very technical story that you can clearly tell was written by a computer.
And talking about something that I would likely never normally want to read. We all know that these stories are usually shill-y and full of shit but they keep publishing them anyway. Still better.
4. A word-for-word copy of Shakespeare.
Yep, you’re reading that correctly, typing monkey. Plagiarized Shakespeare would even be better than that shitty article you just wrote. And no, you’re not likely to hit gold typing random words and getting a word-for-word copy by accident.
Plagiarism is never okay and is frowned upon but I’d rather take my chances publishing that than your bullshit. The funnier part is that Shakespeare has also been suspected of plagiarizing earlier work himself and I’d still publish plagiarism of plagiarism than your authentic crap.
5. A Cliff’s Notes for the book “Everybody Poops”
Well, your story has gotten me so angry that I keep saying the word shit and crap and bullshit, we were destined to get to this one at some point on this list. “Everybody Poops” is a masterpiece compared to what you’ve offered.
Do you know what’s even worse but still better than what you’re putting out there that I’d publish before I’d ever publish yours? A Cliff’s Notes for that book. Yeah, that’s right, not even the actual book but someone summarizing and explaining that book in even simpler terms.
6. Dating advice from an actual incel.
This one kind of fits your own style. I might actually read your dating advice before I read about anything that you have to say about race relations. Oh, are you mad that I’m calling you an actual incel? Well, when’s the last time you’ve actually had a date or gotten laid? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Incel, it’s okay. Those of us who can actually date and have sex will find your dating advice hilarious, at the very least. So at least you’ll still get the attention you were looking for.
7. Step-by-step instructions on how to build a 3,000 sq ft house that is 100 min long.
Yeah, I’d rather carefully read through a story so impossibly long that this one story takes up so much time out of my day that it’s already late and I’m ready to go to bed from just editing one story.
It’d be even better if that story had thousands and thousands of unchecked errors that I have to go through and edit as I go so it takes even longer to complete and then go back through one more time just to make sure I got it all. Did the sun just rise yet again? Perfect, I’d still rather watch another sunrise doing this than read your garbage shit.
8. A story in a language that I can’t understand so I can’t fully translate it before I publish it.
This one isn’t that hard but it’s a little harder than you’d think. I have studied six languages in my life. If a story is in any of these six languages, then it’s no problem but if it’s a story in a language I don’t understand, I’d normally hesitate to publish that story.
That is unless I had a gun to my head and was told to make a decision on which one to publish: your bullshit or that story in a different language not knowing what it says. Yep, I’ve chosen life, and to publish a story in a language that I don’t fully understand. There could also be stuff in that text that is trashing me personally but at least it’s not in English, where we can all understand what’s happening.
9. A script for the sequel to “Titanic”.
Yeah, spoiler alert. If you haven’t seen the first one, the boat sinks. How do you even follow that up? There is no viable sequel for that storyline. I guess if someone is daring enough to try, they’d get a considerate and honest look at their script.
Even if it’s complete garbage, unfeasible, and bullshit, I’ll still publish it over your crap any day. This isn’t like my first idea of putting the sequel of “Passion of the Christ” here as the joke but that’s already been done in real life and as a joke previously on Family Guy.
10. Inoffensive material from a controversial or hated figure
I wouldn’t accept your offensive and dumb opinion but I might consider publishing a dictator’s writing under certain circumstances.
What if Vladimir Putin wants to write a gardening story? Yeah, I’d probably prefer that over your shit. Or how about Kim Jong Un submitting a story about fashion? Why would I deny the man his true passion?
He’s not hurting anyone with that type of ideology. If only they’d focus on that instead of oppressing their people, that’d be great, but still, that’s all better than what you have to offer.
All right, well, I think I’ve sufficiently and humorously vented and listed all of the things I’d rather publish and read than another minute of your hateful, damaging, and poorly written opinion and ideology. Again, if your butt hurts right now. Go to your safe space, snowflake. Sit in your corner of Truth Social, and get your hate message out to all 17 of your followers.
