A Manager Wishes His Pop Star Client a Happy 27th Birthday
A famously fraught age for the young(ish) and famous
Hey, happy birthday, kid! Look, I know this is a big one, for you. 27 must seem pretty old, huh? Like now you’re really in your “late 20s.” Let me tell you when I was 27, I thought I was ancient! But you know what’s really awesome? Being 42. I’m 42. I love 42. 27 was a joke.
And on that note, sending that text suggesting that you record punk rock covers of nursery rhymes — was that a joke?
Here’s the thing, kid. You haven’t had your moment yet. I mean, you’ve had some moments, sure, you’ve got a lot of great songs, folks love you. But you haven’t exactly played “The Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock yet, have you? So let’s make it to 28. Heck, let’s make it to 50. How about 100? How about you write a song when you’re 100 years old about how it was to be a rock star back in the ‘20s? How awesome would that be?
You know what I’ve been thinking, a charity single. Seems like we haven’t had a big charity single in a while. Not sure what Geldof’s doing but he’s sure not organizing literally everyone in the industry like he used to do. You’ve got friends. Get them together and sing something about — what, I don’t know. Climate change? Climate change is pretty hot right now. Heh, pretty hot. I didn’t even intend that pun.
Or what else? What do kids care about? Student debt loan relief? Yeah, you could get Ariana Grande, Dua Lipa, and Doja Cat, and a bunch of other folks and have them sing a song about student debt loan relief and then give the proceeds to — okay, I’m not sure who you’d give them to. A scholarship? Maybe a scholarship song? I don’t know, just spitballing here. Get Lil Nas X on board. Get that one guy, whatshisface, you know the one. That could be your moment. You could be Geldof!
You like this rock star life? Do you know who still has this life? Peter Noone. Do you know who that is? Peter Noone? What if I said “Herman” to you? “Herman’s Hermits”? Yeah, that guy. Still touring. Still got ladies following him around. Sure, those ladies are the same ladies from the 1960s, but isn’t that nice? Lifelong fans. That’s what Peter Noone’s got.
That could be you, kid. You just gotta make it through this year. And yeah, the next year, and the year after that. But I tell you what, it gets easier. No, really, it does. Life is kinda rough right now because you’re still figuring stuff out, but it’s gonna get easier. Being in your 30s is swell, Being 42, like I said, is awesome. My dad is the coolest guy, I know and he’s 71.
Do you know how old Jerry Lee Lewis was when he died? Of course not. Of course, you don’t. You know why that is? That is because original rock star Jerry Lee “Great Balls of I’m Setting This Piano On Fire Metaphorically and Maybe Literally” Lewis is still alive. Still!
Anyway, yeah. Aspire to be like Jerry Lee, minus the cousin-marrying stuff. Or Jagger! He’s still hauling his 80-year-old wrinkled ass around!
Look, you don’t want to be part of some stupid club that you won’t even be around to enjoy.
So, kid. Here’s the plan. You don’t have to sober up totally, but you do have to maybe slow down just a little bit. Like, maybe fewer nights of getting drunk and/or stoned. Or maybe less drunk or stoned. You know what’s great? Meditation. Everybody’s all about meditation now. You could try that? I think there’s an app.
We’ve got that Kimmel taping later this week. What do you want to wear? I mean Fallon. Wait — was it Corden? Dammit, why do they all have the same name? Do any other rock star’s kids have design lines? Stella McCartney’s a little too on the nose, you know?
We’ll find you something edgy to wear. But not too edgy. For the moms and their daughters.
Anyway, happy birthday, kid. I’m glad I know you. I’m glad I get to manage you. Let’s go show the world that 27 is just one in a long string of years.
Then tomorrow we’ll start working on “Hickory Dickory Rock Around the Clock,” or whatever. Maybe see if Marshemello wants to produce.
Sound good?
