A Woman Who Has A Bad Husband Is Better Than A Widow
Discussing 9 anti-feminist proverbs from my culture
A Woman Who Has A Bad Husband Is Better Than A Widow. Igbo Proverb.
I love proverbs. I use them in everyday speech wherever possible. As an African writer who is very connected to her roots as an Igbo woman, using proverbs has many times, elevated my essays.
To understand how cherished proverbs are, listen to how one of my favourite African writers, also of Igbo extraction, the late Chinua Achebe, explained it:
Proverbs are the palm oil with which words are eaten
If you do not get the significance of the words, know this — palm oil is an integral and highly essential ingredient to many West African dishes. It’s like the West or Europe uses their sunflower or olive oil.
Now that you have enough coat hangers for the coats I will be giving you to hang onto in this piece, let me sink that in with this:
A proverb in Igbo land is like scriptural verses of any Holy Text. Our people of old should have preserved their culture or words through text as some civilizations did. Our culture was carried through primarily through words. So proverbs are as important to us as any Holy Text as they have preserved the Igbos’ ways, wisdom, journey, beliefs, hopes, dreams, and future through generations.
For me, proverbs are precious and I am grateful that my parents, relatives, and siblings fall back on proverbs often, to get our points across especially when a matter is weighty.
Recently, I have been researching self-conceit in men and how I think many cultures in Africa are steeped in belief systems that nurture it.
Don’t you find it curious that from Africa to Europe, to the West, and far-flung places around the world, there is a similarity in the manner abused women talk about the narcissistic men they dated and or, married?
Similar complaints?:
- Breadcrumbing of affection given to women
- Targeted love-bombing of women and then the neglect of said women
- Doing the barest minimum in the household chores where they inhabit
- Conscious and unconscious misogyny.
You can add yours but, these all sound familiar in your region?
The question began to plague me: was it in the water — this destructive vanity? After all, it is the same water everywhere. If it wasn’t in the water, maybe it was in the air. We breathe in the same oxygen after all. Or maybe the answers are more sinister than we imagined…
Over generations, we have told and retold the same stories:
- Stories of how men by their brawn destroyed nation after nation.
- Stories of how they raped women as spoils of the battle
- Stories of how these warrior men, carted away the children of various nations as slaves
So, for much of our lives, we have heard all about the brave men of old. It is in texts, in fairytales, in songs…in proverbs.
Yes, an argument can be made that Proverbs aren’t widely used, even in Africa today as in the past but, the same argument can be made for many Religious Texts too, yet, their influence persists — trickling down through generations. And thus lies the (trickle) power of Proverbs.
So, here, to help me buttress my points, are 9 proverbs from my culture, including the title Proverb which whether in words or spirit, continues to influence my people today. (In Bracket is the author’s commentary):
- Any lineage that wants to go into extinction will give birth to only females (Because only male children pass down the powerful ancestral name that must endure forever. Remember the powerful surname — Zagoza? No? Me neither)
- Any man who has females as siblings has nobody (Those aren’t softball scrotums. They are pricks. That vagina is nothingness)
- A woman does not occupy her father’s compound (Because in Igbo land, women do not inherit houses. They are only good for taking care of their aging and dying parents while their brothers inherit everything else)
- When a woman stops answering Whose daughter is this, she will start answering Whose wife is this (Because a woman is born for marriage. Nothing in between)
- Husband is the prestige of a woman (Pretty self-explanatory. Isn’t it? Have no husband? Shame on YOU!)
- A woman who has a bad husband is better than a widow (Self-explanatory. What are a few slaps on the head, frequent black eyes, and loss of self-esteem when you answer married woman?)
- When a woman applies lipstick and eye shadow, she becomes satisfied with life (Pretty self-explanatory. Ambition is lost on any woman. What is it even for? To what end? Who’s she trying to impress without her Mac foundation?)
- One who uses a woman as a pillow has no pillow under his bed ( Which respectable, dignified, mature man relies on a woman?)
- A bad child answers his or her mother’s name (You already know that it is a woman’s job to birth and raise those children alone. If they turn out fine, of course, they are their father’s children. If they do not, well, they are their mother’s sorrow. Pretty straightforward isn’t it?)
Finally, I leave you with 3 questions:
- Do you think that any culture that portrays women in the light of the proverbs above, will have any quantifiable respect for the other half of humanity?
- Combing through the men you have related with, is there a proverb or 2 or 3, listed above, that captures how they treat the women in their lives?
- Through the Proverbs or Religious Texts in your culture, do you think some narcissistic traits (self-conceit, destructive vanity), may have some root in cultural nurturing?
Thank you so much for reading this piece. I am excited to hear about any proverbs, sayings, or even stories in your culture that closely mirror mine.
