Aliens Don’t Like Human Beings

Ever wondered WHY there are so few UFO sightings on planet Earth?

Photo by Bruce Warrington on Unsplash

If you were an alien, would YOU want your average Earthling to know you were here? Would you check in with, say, Donald Trump, before going to meet with actual world leaders? Wouldn’t you rather just lock your UFO doors, roll up the windows, and keep the kids on the DL playing videos with their headphones on, preoccupied? Maybe hit them over the head with some Cherry Coke spiked with Benadryl?

“Hey, Mom, I thought you said we were going to see Earth?”

“Yeah, but you fell asleep, ArcNu, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

Not something your average UFO alien would be proud of any more than your average Wall Street Stock Broker would be proud of living in Compton.

“Yeah, I’m down. My west coast heezee is in Compton.”

“Dood, for real?”

“Yeah, Me and the missus decided we wanted to be closer to the beach, so we tossed a coin between Oxnard, Crenshaw and Compton, and it was Compton 3 out of 4 flips.”

“Well, it’s good you used Science to make your choice.”

“You know it. College Boy and down-town.”

“I guess we’ll see you this Summer when we’re out in Brentwood, then?”

“With my bling up in my grill.”


“Vanilla Ice got nothin’ on me.”

Would you really want to be an alien running into somebody like that making the high six figures, much less letting your kids see it? That’s a turd in a clip-on tie right there.

Clearly, if Ancient Alien Theorists are sure that aliens had anything at all to do with us being here, they bred us all to be slaves and left, frustrated, once they realized that the disqualified apes had more on the ball than these Wall Street types. Fucking experiment failure, Jack.

Jack, who?

Jack Shit, mother-fuckahs. That’s who Ancient Alien Theorists know. It shows in all their work on the History Channel. Ancient Alien Theorists say, dot-dot-dot. Dot. Dick. They don’t say shit, man.

Anyone with a high school — scratch that. That was back when I graduated from high school. These little fuckers graduating from high school now have about as much on the ball as my 8th-grade classmates.

But let’s say the last 30 years of diminishing educational standards didn’t happen for a moment.

A high school graduate with one or two Science classes under their belt would KNOW that Ancient Alien Theorists not only can’t comb their hair, but they are personal friends with Jack Shit. That’s who they know. Ever notice how Erich Van Daniken doesn’t appear on the same screen at the same time as these Ancient Alien Theorists?

He wants nothing to do with these shit-asses. I’m sure the History Channel has to pay him double just to use a film clip of him back in the ’70s when he was doing his, “Chariots of the Gods?” tour, talking about how the Central Americans were riding in these spaceships that were cut in stone and all blinged out.

I got a question for you, now. If the Mayans were riding in these fancy spaceships back in the day, where the fuck did low-riders come from? Did too much Spanish blood get mixed into their gene pool? Why ruin a perfectly driveable Impala just to make it bounce up and down and leave some banger’s guts all over the 405? Was this evolution or was this another one of Mother Nature’s, “Whoopsy daisies?”

So, yeah, your average alien wants fuck-nothing to do with human beings.



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Richard Volaar

Richard Volaar

I've won a couple of minor awards, my second being a speech I wrote for the VFW about why I care about America. It won and I made 25 bucks. Now I'm in IT.