Am I Cruel For Slow Texting? I Respectfully Disagree.
The guilt of not responding earlier sits with me but does that make me inconsiderate?
Why didn’t I text back, yet?
Yes, I saw your message.
Sorry not sorry
“I’ve seen you were online two hours ago on Instagram. Why couldn’t you text me back on WhatsApp?” was a constant tantrum and a topic that my ex-partner loved to fight over.
A few days ago, I came across a reel on Instagram where a woman says “Don’t worry. I hope you find someone who doesn’t keep you waiting for a reply.”
I felt attacked and started questioning my ways of slow texting and responding back. It pushed me back to the days when most of my energy and time went into explaining to my partner that it had nothing to do with how much I loved him or the fact that I was ignoring him.
Although a constant tiff between us did make me feel distanced at times, it had nothing to do with this habit of mine.
It wasn’t just him. I’ve had friends complaining about the same. Some understood and made way with this side of my personality and replied with “Take your time. I know you now. You texting asap would be weirder.” Some called me out saying, “You’re always unreachable.”
I used to try my best to make up for them but over time I have given up. I couldn’t bring myself to explain to them why I needed this time — hours and sometimes even months.
This has always been my cherished “me time”. Time that I’m not willing to share with anyone. If I am online and not actively replying, it only signifies I’m in my state of tranquility, at peace.
At times, I deliberately avoid my phone for hours to steer clear of the endless cycle of doom-scrolling which causes me to respond slowly.
In my defence
I use guilt and shame to convince myself that I am obligated to respond to others when they see fit.
Being online doesn’t automatically mean that I am liable to text back right at that moment. Some would beg to differ and say “What else she be doing online?”
Umm. Have a good time in solitude.
I firmly stand by my choice to take time for myself, yet I find myself apologizing and falling silent when the complaints begin to pour in.
It frequently begins with, “Apologies for the late reply” (I am not), “Sorry, it skipped my mind” (It didn’t. I just didn’t have the emotional capacity), and “Sorry, I forgot” (I didn’t).
I hate myself when I do this.
I’ve lost count of the number of connections I have lost because I was not at their disposal.
It has been years since I have judged myself for this and yet I don’t seem to budge. Doesn’t that hint that I’m at ease with taking things slow?
Don’t get me wrong. I have people close to me who have accepted my trait of keeping the messages at wait or responding in my own time (unless it isn’t urgent).
They have accepted this side of me because they know that everyone deserves their time and not everyone is emotionally capable of being in the chaotic environment of social media and responding simultaneously.
Bothersome Social Media
I don’t blame any of them. It’s the urgency culture that has stemmed from social media itself.
The endless scrolling past social media.
My guilt and awkwardness have stemmed from the basic design of how social media works.
These platforms keep the users (points finger at myself) hinged to the phone and keep us engaged for long periods of time.
Take, for example, WhatsApp. This app has a double tick feature which automatically turns blue once a person has read the message.
Instagram and WhatsApp both come with the feature of “last seen” which can lead others to question your activity or intention to respond promptly.
Gmail has got an itch too. If an email sits in my inbox for far too long, it says “Reply?”
Seriously, Google?
If I wanted to, I would’ve and if it was urgent, it wouldn’t be sitting in my inbox.
These Apps have set expectations that no one was ready for. I certainly wasn’t.
I often wonder what granted the engineers the privilege to claim ownership of our time. My time?
Billionaires counting money off our time.
It doesn’t take long before I am reminded that the creators of these platforms thrive on urgency and a sense of entitlement. They profit from our prolonged online presence and those pesky engineers are rewarded.
Boon or Bane?
Ever since I started to think clearly, I have become accustomed to a smartphone. It’s not only the millennials, the boomers too become used to it.
Like it or not, in the contemporary landscape, our daily routines have been intrinsically linked with our smartphones.
Smartphones are the first thing we reach for in the morning and the last thing we check before going to bed. Spending a few hours without it might be concerning for some, including me.
Although it’s undeniable that the advantages of smartphones and social media are aplenty, they have also introduced a level of complexity and dependency.
Smartphones help us to reach each other as instantly as possible which is a good thing but no one ever thought how it would be responsible to set an expectation that many weren’t ready to commit to.
While many might argue and say, “Sonika, you are so boring! Social media was designed to socialize. What are you even saying? Are you for real? You are literally removing Social from Social Media.”
My answer would be, “I chose Social Media. Social Media didn’t choose me.”
Lastly
You might identify with my ex-partner’s viewpoint who prioritized “Good morning” messages the first thing in the morning as an essential morning ritual or you might be on my side where you might take your time, scroll through the social media, and text a “Good Morning ” message in your own time.
Regardless of which side you are on, the crucial point here is not who initiates the morning message. What truly holds significance are the underlying emotions and sentiments.
Either way, I urge you to let yourself loose for once, hold space, and not be guilty of owning your time.
This is for those who let the messages and emails sit for days and later feel guilty. For those who stare at the screen and spend their time with their phones that are within their reach and yet don’t have time to respond.
I see you.
And above all, just to be clear, This isn’t an apology.
What are your thoughts on responding in your own time? Have you faced something similar? Tell me. I’m all ears.
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