America on the Ropes 3
What really happened in Helsinki?
Reports from the US-Russia summit in Helsinki in 2018 were heavily redacted. Recent leaks have exposed what was going on behind the scenes at the infamous Trump-Putin meeting.
CIA daily briefing — 16 July 2018.
A President’s Prosthetic Chest.
President Donald J. Trump completed the transaction of a new prosthetic chest in Helsinki today.
Mr. Trump has always admired the chest of Vladimir Putin and has been known to comment to aides:
“It’s fantastic, that chest, a wonderful chest, very barrel-like. We like barrels, OK folks. Barrels of cash, barrels of oil, and chests that look like barrels. It’s a great chest.”
We believe Mr. Trump had first alerted Mr. Putin to his admiration for his chest at the Ms. Universe pageant in Moscow in 2013.
According to our sources, Mr. Trump had gestured towards some women parading around on the stage there and commented:
“There are some great chests on show here Vlad, but I’ve seen you on horseback with a shirt off and I gotta tell you, that’s the chest I want.”
Mr. Putin responded that he was very busy with a backlog of devious machinations, but he would make a wax mould of his chest at the first opportunity:
“You can use the mould to create a prosthetic chest that will look just like mine.”
The completed mould, five years in the making, was finally handed over to Mr. Trump during his two-hour meeting with Putin on Monday and, from what we can ascertain, this transaction seemed to be the sole purpose of their meeting.
We are concerned that the mould may be bugged. More senior officers may recall the time Leonid Brezhnev gave Richard Nixon a bionic arm. President Nixon was exulted and truly believed that a third arm would set him apart from his predecessors and secure his place in history. Nobody noticed that the hand was holding a recording device for three months.
Mr. Trump is expected to sport his new chest in two weeks when he travels to the Philippines to snort cocaine and rampage around stark bollock naked with Rodrigo Duterte.
