SATIRE
Annual Review With Satan in Hell Corporation
There is shit happening today even the Devil himself is confused
It’s that festive time of the year when we celebrate Thanksgiving with Satan and the Review Board. It’s always a pleasure for me to unpack the details of the Blaze of Glory Himself and see his reaction to what works, what doesn’t, and what needs to change with humanity. Meeting typically begins at 3 am.
[Speaking to Satan while the board looks on]: Sir, it seems like your suggestion for Netflix is working… and not quite so.
Satan: How so? Give me the latest dish on it.
Well, all those love stories are driving women mad. It raises expectations and projects unreal ideals about human interaction and romance. The Crown tanked in season five. Not even going to go there.
You’re saying this based on…?
The articles on Medium. Many people are unhappy with Life, and love is a factor. Unmet expectations, being together but not liking each other, breakups, and toxic relationships that are difficult to let go of. People seem to enjoy wallowing in misery. But, and this is a big but sir, most of them choose to stay in those shitty predicaments. They just write posts about not liking their partner and life. But that seems… to be encouraging and therapeutic for them.
Wait, what do you mean “seem to enjoy”?
Well sir, it’s like a leaky faucet. They can’t seem to stop. It’s difficult to find pieces of love that celebrate the daily struggles. Everyone seems to treat that as the disease, but not the toxicity. They’re all loving and living in the toxic swamp. They’re like The Swamp Thing from the comic book series. They can grow from the tiniest sprout of green radioactive fungus.
You mean to say, people are enjoying bad states of human connection even if it makes them feel lost and confused?
Indeed sir. They’re writing shit loads about it. On Medium, they can also make money from it. One person writes about their shitty miserable relationship and people clap and comment how they all connect and … seem to be in an equal shit hole themselves. I shudder at the world.
What a nasty place they’ve created and expect to raise happy children. I don’t think they know what happiness means. The silver lining there is they raise unhappy kids if they can tell the difference. In fact, many write about how hope, optimism, and happiness don’t exist so we might as well just fuck it and make misery the norm.
Okay, this is not quite what I would expect. It seems like misery has become a comforting pillow which isn’t the point. It used to cause cancer but now with advanced treatments, people are surviving.
Thriving sir. When they recover they’ll be writing shit loads about it inspiring others how it’s okay even with cancer because you will find a way. And because pain is the way of life, sir.
It’s no longer the pursuit of happiness. That movie with Will Smith made people realize it’s hard work to keep up with the good. It’s easier to cling to the bad. Like addictions. It’s not even about drugs like cocaine or meth anymore. Misery is the new drug.
That’s pretty fucked up. What about you? What do you think about these layers of pain?
Satan sir, I’m struggling with my period cramps. I’m addicted to painkillers and that’s as far as I can manage. I’m pathetic on their scale. Toxic relationships are at sage level. I’m a Brussel sprout. Besides, I’m serving you in Hell as punishment because I love Happiness. You thought this would be my damnation. But you forgot, I came from corporate. Had the training. In fact, you’re a lot nicer than a few of the bosses I had.
That’s the function of the board. I can’t know everything. What about Elon Musk? How is that working out?
Badly sir. He’s the shit disaster at the moment but people don’t care as much because they’ve migrated to Mastodon. You thought people were going to go ape shit losing Twitter. Nah sir, as I’ve said, modern folks seem to thrive on misery, pain, and loveless joy. They’re the saltiest creation on the planet.
But isn’t he batshit crazy?
He is, but so is everyone else. Sir, you’re not Twitter, I am. Well, was. I went to Mastodon too.
Trump?
Nah, people are going “Meh, whatever.” He needs new material to run for 2024.
Dave Chapelle?
Doing well. His anti-Semitic comments are not shocking because these days everyone is anti-Semitic with their comments. Everyone’s racist, homophobic … no one gives a fuck much because that’s become the norm.
Kanye West?
Still around. People just ignore him. His fans started crowdfunding for him to keep him relevant. His shoes skyrocketed online.
So you mean to say everyone on earth seems desensitized to chaos and confusion?
My honest answer? Yup. They’re loving it.
So people rather stay and eat toxicity?
They call it “Quiet quitting”. And, it seems folks are okay with it. Being in limbo doesn’t drive people up the wall as you’d hope. People used to be 70% water, sir. Now they’re 70% radiation. Makes Chernobyl mild, sir. I’d rather live there.
So climate change is already on the list … checked. Famine and flood crises… checked. Corruption … checked. We’ve faked WMD (weapons of mass destruction), the war on drugs, the war on cancer… Is there anything that drives them genuinely insane?
There is, sir. One clapper. Seems to piss people off on Medium a lot. It’s not the algorithm, sir. The one clap drives writers mad not knowing if it’s sarcasm, it means your writing sucks or you’re only worth one clap out of 50 claps. People have melted their brains feeling worthless about it because the writers base their entire self-worth on that one clap. It’s a unique phenomenon, sir. It’s classic gaslighting.
Very well. Moving forward, release more One Clappers. And bring me copies of The Swamp Thing.
Got it. Damn, we’re so efficient.
