Chronic Illness – A Moment in the Life
(This mini-essay was written in the moment, and I thought it best to leave it largely unedited. It is as raw and real and gross as the day it happened, and accurately reflects a moment in the life of someone with chronic illness. Thanks for reading.)
I’m s(h)itting, blowing up a toilet in a public bathroom again. I’m at an event celebrating a loved one – she’s surrounded by a group of friends, recently graduated, and happier than I’ve seen her in years.
I’m shooting liquid out my butthole.
Sometimes I feel like diarrhea at a party is an apt analogy for my life – everyone is moving forward, knowing what they want to do and where they want to go. They’re laughing, eating, and talking with wild abandon.
Meanwhile, I’m unsure when this toilet hell will set me free. I didn’t eat anything because of my upset stomach and I won’t risk it after this. I don’t even know what caused it – it could have been anything from today’s breakfast to latent anxiety.
Other people don’t have to excuse themselves mid-sentence to shit. Other people don’t pregame with Excedrin because the cafe lights and ambient noise will end up in a migraine without it. Other people don’t despise their bodies for not working AND for continually gaining weight without permission. Other people belong without question.
Then, as the spew slows and I feel fewer internal churnings, I remind myself: other people do.
Statistically, I’m not the only one with a chronic illness here. One of every ten people has one, and there are way more than ten people here (but only two bathrooms, so thank goodness not everyone is exploding with diarrhea at the same time).
Other people doubt themselves, don’t look in the mirror, and question every action. Other people are worried about talking to strangers, exhausted from staying up late, or have something else going on. I just don’t know it.
And when I clean up and head out of this bathroom, they won’t know that I just spent the last 15 minutes sweating and crying. This day isn’t about me, and I’ll be okay.
They say, “Be kind – everyone is fighting an invisible battle.” I just hope, for all the other everyone’s sake, that it’s not explosive diarrhea.
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