Committing to Potential

Too often, we rely on our ability to envision who a person could potentially become, rather than accepting them for who they are.

Dating based on potential is a definite path to finding yourself remaining in a situation longer than you should, as you hold onto the belief that this individual could eventually become the embodiment of what you’ve been searching for.

We tend to overlook the red flags, conjure excuses for their actions, and concentrate solely on the future, neglecting our current reality.

When you date someone based on their potential, you overlook the person they are presently displaying and instead focus on the person you envision them becoming.

You devise methods and justifications to guide them towards recognizing the qualities you perceive, believing that they should aspire to attain these qualities for themselves — particularly if they’re choosing to be with you.

I am here to tell you that this approach will never succeed unless they perceive the same level of potential within themselves as you do.

You cannot compel someone to acknowledge the attributes you see in them, and you cannot coerce them into transforming into a person they are not.

You must determine whether the person you are currently with fulfills your present needs, not just if they have the potential to meet them.

Ask yourself, do they genuinely meet your needs (it's okay if they don't)?

If not, it’s crucial to ponder on what holds importance for you, which aspects you might be willing to overlook in this person, and what is absolutely indispensable to guarantee the growth of the relationship.

Individuals have the ability to portray themselves in a specific manner, but sustaining that facade can be challenging if it doesn’t align with their true nature.

You need to be able to recognize this.

Why do we date potential

It’s easy.

It’s simple to indulge in fantasies about life and the potential of a relationship, as it often appears more gratifying and promising than focusing on your current situation (especially if you’re feeling unhappy or dissatisfied).

When we meet someone, there are a few key things that can persuade us that this is worth investing our time in.

As the relationship progresses and you get to know your partner on a more personal level, you begin to notice shortcomings in the relationship.

You find yourself asking your partner to do certain things or behave in ways that are unfamiliar to them.

As we invest time in a person and situation, the fear of admitting that we might have wasted our time can be unsettling.

This fear sometimes leads us to remain in a situation, hoping that it will eventually change.

But it rarely does.

We often date ideals. We date perceptions.

We date with a self-centered approach, hoping to transform someone who may not even desire change.

We chase after potential because moving on is challenging, and starting anew can be an intimidating endeavor.

It seems easier to try to “fix” or “guide” the person we’re with to become the version we desire, rather than accepting them for who they truly are.

It is never time wasted

We need to shift the narrative that if something doesn’t work out, it is time wasted.

Time is never truly wasted. Every experience and opportunity serves as an avenue for learning, growth, and change.

We all hope that each situation we enter will be the final one.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always unfold in such a straightforward manner.

The saying “some people come for a season, some people come for a reason” holds the ultimate truth.

Certain individuals come into our lives temporarily, acting as catalysts for change in our behavior and choices.

They become the driving force that expands the boundaries we set when seeking love and establishes non-negotiable aspects in our quest for a partner.

Some individuals arrive simply to remind us that personal growth remains ongoing. Others enter to test whether the progress we’ve achieved internally is reflected in our actions and decisions.

We must train our minds to perceive the possibilities within experiences, rather than assessing them negatively just because they don’t align with our expectations or desires.

Time is consistently on our side. It’s essential to harness it and place trust in its influence.

Dating potential

A few years ago I met someone who checked the majority of my boxes. I was enamored with the potential of what we could become to each other, and I became somewhat blinded by that idea.

As our relationship deepened, I found myself consistently requesting things that I knew were essential for me, but he was incapable of providing.

One glaring aspect was his lack of ambition.

This posed a significant challenge for me since I constantly seek goals and something to strive toward. I had financial aspirations, personal goals, and life objectives, while he seemed to be just coasting along.

I recognized his potential and talent.

I felt his dreams.

Eventually, I came to the realization that regardless of how much I pushed or how much effort I invested, I couldn’t propel him to reach what I believed was his full potential.

He remained entrenched in being himself.

I clung to the relationship, convinced that he would undergo a transformation, that one day he would wake up and aspire to become the person I envisioned.

Yet, that transformation never happened. He persisted in being exactly who he was — a person lacking ambition.

This wasn’t just a temporary situation; it was deeply ingrained in his character.

At his core, he lacked the drive to achieve.

I recognized that having ambition was something crucial I required in a partner. Even though I wanted to be a source of motivation, I also needed someone who could motivate me.

In the end, I chose to leave.

I left because I placed a higher value on who a person truly is rather than molding them into what I wished them to be.

Move On

In my blog “Situation-ships and Beyond”, I discussed the significance of moving on and the challenges we encounter in doing so. Take a look at these two excerpts below:

“We often recognize potential — the capacity for transformation and advancement. We understand that perhaps they lack awareness, and by demonstrating a better approach, we hope to facilitate understanding.”

“The start of anything to be considered begins with questions; this is pivotal. We start to feel like what we are experiencing isn’t lining up with our expectations, wants, or needs.”

One elucidates the reasons we sometimes struggle to move on, while the other exposes the starting point of the process. It’s crucial to have a clear grasp of your wants and needs and adhere to them.

Perhaps you aspire to be with a man who opens car doors, engages in thoughtful gestures like bringing you flowers, arranges dates, and holds strong religious beliefs.

Then, you encounter someone who dismisses the significance of flowers, hasn’t delved into the Bible or its teachings, and doesn’t think that dating remains necessary after a year of being in a relationship.

Instead of walking away, you focus on other aspects you like about them, hoping that by continually expressing your fondness for flowers, they might eventually purchase them.

You even gift them a Bible, anticipating that they might eventually read it.

If you take charge of all the planning for your dates, he would eventually have no alternative but to take the initiative and start organizing them himself.

However, he consistently fails to do so, and yet you remain, holding onto the hope that someday, just someday, he will change.

When someone reveals their true nature to you, it’s imperative to believe them.

When they openly share their identity with you, please, believe them.

I understand that moving on is challenging.

That’s precisely why it’s vital to adhere to your wants and needs. Recognizing who you are and what you require is crucial, and maintaining those standards is equally important.

Stand firm on your non-negotiables.

Don’t compromise for potential.

Keep your willingness to compromise reserved for actions and intentions.

Stop Settling

Allow people to be authentic and reveal their true selves to you.

Walk away for that very reason (sorry not sorry).

Many of us have reached a point in our lives where we can no longer focus on people’s potential, as we are all firmly rooted in our own identity.

It’s perfectly fine if someone’s values don’t align with yours. Recognize that not everyone is meant for you.

Be purposeful in seeking out those who meet the standards you’ve set for yourself.

Surround yourself with individuals who positively contribute to your energy and bring greatness into your life.

Resist the urge to settle — put an end to it.

Never compromise on your desires. What you’re seeking is out there, and the pursuit was never intended to be effortless.

Anything worth achieving is inherently challenging, and so is the journey. Amidst it all, maintain gratitude for the process and navigate it step by step — one day at a time.

I encourage you to remain true to yourself and your potential.

Cease dating for a hypothetical future and focus on the present.

Date intentionally.

Choose those who are intentional about you — in every single moment.

- Shei