Funny Stories about my Life: Crabs

It was 1990, and I was 17 years old and still a virgin. I had been making out and grinding with various girls, but I was still a shy and nervous little boy regarding sex.

I had been itchy in my pubic area one autumn evening, so I decided to draw a bath. As I lay in the bathtub, I scratched my pubic area, and the dark spot moved. I looked closer and picked it up in shock. I stared at the pubic louse, and the little arms and legs moved just like a real crab.

Upon further inspection, I shuttered and found that I was heavily infested. I didn’t have just a few crabs. I had an entire colony in my thick coif of black pubic hair.

As a teenage virgin, I was utterly embarrassed and perplexed by this development. How did this happen? It was midnight on a weeknight, and I had to act. I walked a mile up to the 24-hour Kroger to look for treatment for my infestation.

I returned with “Rid,” a small tube of shampoo, and a fine-toothed comb that would pick the parasites out of the hair. I performed treatment after treatment until the early morning hours, sifting a seemingly infinite number of lice out of my pubic hair. It was downright disgusting.

This is in the early 90s, so there was no internet to consult, and I was too embarrassed to speak to anybody about the problem. As a naïve teenager, I didn’t consider washing all my clothes and sheets in hot water to kill the lice that were surely crawling all over my bedroom. Consequently, they kept coming back, and I’d repeat the Rid treatment process repeatedly.

Six months went by. I was still infested, although not nearly as bad as that first night. I was utterly frustrated and had to speak to somebody about this.

I have no idea why it never occurred to me just to shave off all my pubic hair and declare victory over these pesky lice. All I knew was that this was an embarrassing problem and had to be dealt with.

I confessed to my friend Amy what was going on. Amy was sexually active, and she was my friend whom I could trust. After I spilled the beans and described to her exactly what happened one summer evening, she quipped, “That’s easy to deal with. Just spray yourself down with Raid”. “Raid?” I asked. “That’s the bug spray we use around the house. I never thought of that.”

A week later, when staying at my father’s apartment, I did my standard deep pubic inspection and found more of those nasty little critters in my black bush. I was fed up.

I entered the kitchen, looked under the sink, and found a tall cylinder of “Raid maximum strength ant and roach killer.” I brought it into my room and took off my underwear. I sprayed myself down liberally and didn’t consider covering my pee hole or bunghole. I lay down in my bed and went to sleep.

I woke up two hours later, and I was ON FIRE! My entire torso felt like it was burning up. It was burning but not with heat but rather a heavy chemical burn. My dad was asleep, and I was so embarrassed that there was no way I would wake him up to have to explain what all had transpired.

I considered calling 911 but instead just drew a cold half bath. I then hovered over the bath to effectively dip my torso in the cold water to give me some relief from the burning sensation.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Over the course of the subsequent two weeks, I didn’t lose just one or even two layers of skin. Three layers of skin peeled off my man parts, my ass, and my upper legs.

The good news was that it worked. The pubic lice were gone for good. Thanks, Amy, for the solid advice.