Good Cop, Bad Cop Parenting Styles
Authoritative VS Permissive, and Why You Really Need Both
The parenting styles Authoritative and Permissive should both be included in raising your kids. Don’t lean too hard in one direction, and too rigid or too lenient are not good either. Uninvolved can just… go away though.
Authoritative Parenting is, in my opinion, just parenting. This style involves parents attempting to control their kids’ behavior with rules. What makes it “authoritative” is that the parents are always right, the kid can reason with the parents but what mama says, goes. According to the ACT Program, which is a parenting program run by the American Psychological Association that is helping parents learn how to deal with the never ending tantrums, parents are caring but firm. Descriptions of what happens to children raised in this way are generally positive, they include words we all want to hear about our adult children: happy, energetic, and cooperative.
Authoritative Parenting is needed to guide our babies into the American Work Culture that we (unfortunately) all have to live by. It seems that bringing a kid into a world that functions with rules and regulations with something similar works.
Permissive Parenting, what I personally come from a background of, is failure to set and police the rules that would later contribute to a well rounded adult. This parenting style offers little monitoring of the child’s behaviors and allowance of inappropriate behavior for the age of the children. Studies show that children that are raised in a much more lax environment have low self control, can be aimless, aggressive, and have less achievements.
Now, as a child of this parenting style I’m supposed to rebel, right? So I think it’s extremely important here to note that, especially in America, we judge kids and adults “success” based on their performance in our American Work Culture. There are at least one-hundred reasons why I think that the system is a little rigged here. If an adult has ADHD that makes it hard for him to keep a 40 hour cubicle job, should we say neurodivergent people are failing? No. Our work culture does not support how they need to function. (And that also goes for our school systems but I’ll need to cover that in another piece of writing!)
Pieces of Permissive Parenting is needed in cases of children or parents with mental health disorders, or neurodivergence, or just because it’s Sunday and you’re exhausted. Take it from me, one of my kids has suspected Pathological Demand Avoidance and I no longer care if he wears sweats every day to school. You win some, you lose some.
This is controversial, but I often tell myself to consider that the best memories will be made for my kids when I am not parenting all the way.
Your 9 year old will never forget climbing a tree you told him not to because you were reading instead of watching. Your 16 year old will never forget the first time their friend let them drive a few months before receiving their license. As a mother, I lean heavily into an authoritarian role, but as another person I do want them to experience the world despite me.
Now, Uninvolved Parenting is the one where parents are uninterested, rejecting, and unavailable for their children. This is the parenting style that creates adults with low self esteem, and low confidence. Adults who had parents that were neglectful oftentimes fill the role with inappropriate replacements (think abusive boyfriends after neglectful fathers). I think that the only reason a person would be an uninvolved parent to extreme degrees is if they themselves were not parented correctly, and for that reason I really feel for both the parent and child in situations like this. I can’t imagine it’s healthy for anyone involved.
Ironically, I believe we can also blame the American Work Culture again here for a huge portion of uninvolved parents in the population. We’re simply working our parents too much, too often. We’re not supporting raising families with paid time off for both mothers and fathers, we’re not supporting healthy work-life balance with affordable childcare, and sadly in situations of uninvolved parenting all stressors are directed toward the child.
This parenting style can be thrown out the window. Neglectful parenting can stay in the past, and thankfully as a culture we have been progressing here in allowing people to be more involved (but maybe not being able to afford it, thanks again U.S.A.)
Think of the delivery room as an example, a father’s presence at the birth of their child was not allowed until the early 1960s! Medical texts used to claim that men increased risk for infection in the delivery room, what a crock of shit! Thank God we are letting men be dads, they deserve the emotional and rewarding experience of watching the birth of their baby. And I bet it makes a big difference with future emotional involvement of the child.
