How I Stopped the Jesus Recruiters From Coming to My Door
One sentence that will keep them away for years
Let me start by saying I have nothing against anyone who is Jehovah's Witness. I believe every person should be free to worship the God of their choice as they understand her. What I do take issue with though, is being proselytized by a stranger, especially one who shows up at my house unannounced to do so.
My husband and I currently live in a conservative small town in a deep red state. Since I am the editor of our weekly newspaper, just about everyone in this town knows who we are.
Our home is easy to spot as it is the only one in town where the American flag is displayed with a gay rainbow flag on one side, and Black Lives Matter flag on the other. My high visibility role in the community, combined with our front yard display does a pretty good job of keeping our doorstep Witness free.
Now I realize not every man in America has a black husband (although I personally recommend it) and may choose not to fly the gay rainbow and black lives matter flags at their front door. Well worry not guys, there is one sentence you can say that will keep your doorstep Witness free, guaranteed.
I don’t mean to be sexist here, but I cannot guarantee female readers of this post will achieve the same result if they try this approach.
Several years ago, I lived in a small, midwestern college town. Every Wednesday, without fail, the Jehovah's Witness men would show up at my doorstep. They always came calling between three and five in the afternoon. I was self-employed so I was often home at that time.
The two men who came to my townhouse week in and week out were young, probably in their early 20s. They were exceptionally polite, very well-versed, and perfectly groomed. They were also persistent as a bed bug and equally as welcome.
I tried several different approaches to getting them to leave, and not return. I tried the polite approach of inviting them in and matching them Bible verse for Bible verse. Tripping them up was easy; persuading them not to come back was not. They would just study that section of the Bible and return for another discussion.
After a couple of visits, I decided to try the sarcastic approach. When they told me only 144,000 would be saved, I responded, “Aren’t you afraid you could lose your place?” Apparently, they weren’t too worried about that because they kept coming back.
I tried the direct approach. “Do not come to my house again.” Evidently, they weren’t very good at following instructions because they continued to return.
Then I tried the rude approach. I took their literature, tore it up, and put it in one of the young men’s front shirt pockets. Then I shut the door in their face. The next Wednesday they didn’t come back.
I thought the rude approach finally got through to them, and honestly wasn’t expecting them to show up again when Wednesday rolled around two weeks later. That afternoon, when I returned home from the gym, I took a shower. As I got out of the shower, I heard a knock on the door.
I had plans to go out that evening with a couple of friends and I thought it must be one of them showing up a little early. I’m not exactly a modest person, so I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around my waist, and headed to the door.
When I opened the door, the latch caught the edge of the towel, it came untucked and dropped to the floor. There I stood in the doorway, wet and totally naked. Without missing a beat, I said “Make it quick this week guys, I’m fucking the neighbor's husband.”
Those two well-mannered, well-spoken, well-groomed young men just stood there in shock, unable to speak, unable to move. I took a step back, “What’s the matter guys, want to join us?”
Based on how quickly these two young men ran away from my front door, I could only surmise they did not.
I lived in that townhouse for two more years. The Jesus recruiters never returned.
